carrying the suffering to show kindness

𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓹𝓸𝓮𝓽𝓲𝓬 𝓹𝓪𝓲𝓷

let me know what you think this is about

I don't know how long I can take this, my stomach is churning, I can't stop sweating, I feel dizzy ,it's hard to breathe at times and the tight pain in my chest is unbearable again. 

I keep on choking up,I can't sleep at night and this is only the begging of the show I'm a failure at performing just wasting my time out for the circus to leave town and for everything to go back to normal.my name was written down on the shows casting list, I never signed myself up, but someone else did. 

 I'm still being chased and stalked, this wild beast that I want to call a starved bear. its once the hulking body that engraved my head due to the fear of how it could tower over me, it's the best in the showcase, the way its monstrous form tries to blend doing what normal people would do .

I've grown so much physically and mentally but it's still not enough ,I practise every day ,I do everything I must ,i've learned the hushed mouth as to keep my stage acting sharp. the starved bear is still taller and is staring me down.

I stared it in the eye almost a year ago and I was filled to the brim with so many emotions, fear, anger ,empathy ,sadness ,anxiety ,pain and strangely love for something that I had dreamt about for so long, to meet it,to live up to its expectations.

 I use to see a teddy bear, but its not, it's a wild animal that has waited patiently for my guard to go down giving it the perfect time to rip out my organs, brandish my flesh and poison my mind. All the while holding that grimace smile. I hate knowing that every second that im alive im being hunted down, followed, tracked .its disgusting and violating that every moment when you think your safe that its lurking and waiting.

 You can't feel alone because you are being watched every moment. You can't tell the difference between a teddy bear and a 7ft beast that could happily strike a blow taking any chances of survival away. It's a circus freak, it knows how to pretend to be something else, its vile and a monster made by other monsters. I don't want to become the next circus act; I want to be free and not to be subjectify to such a role.

 I won't dance the bears dance because I will fall from the tight rope, I can't move any further on the line, so while everyone is watching me, with their smiles I made ,I will let myself go and let them see me fall, falling with their cheers tucking me to sleep. 

Who's the joke now.....

thank you so much for reading,this is the first chapter,i will also be adding drawings which follow the same pattern of the warnings.