Learning Love In A Broken World

Hogwarts

Breathing, that's all he needed to focus on, breathing. In, out, in, out, breathe Draco. He braced himself with a hand against a cold stone wall of Malfoy manor. Grounding, that's what he had learned it was called. 

Waking up at odd hours of the night was normal for him nowadays, that is if he even went to sleep. Nightmares woke him up too often for any sleep he got to be meaningful. Tonight had been particularly bad, Voldemort, Potter, death, his mom, Blaise, Pansy, all of it wrapped up into one. The more he thought the more he spiraled. 

He had gotten out of bed to take a walk. He kept thinking and thinking and he had worked himself up into a panic attack. He sat on the step he was standing on and curled up with his head between his knees. He was practically all alone in this damned stone mansion. Other than his mom who spent her time in the library or in one of the 100's of hidden rooms digging out junk to sell or to give to the ministry. She was trying to rid the manor of as much unnecessary dark magic as possible but she kept a lot of stuff just hoping to be able to cleanse them. Draco frankly avoided his mom, the house was big enough. It wasn't that he didn't want to see his mom, he loved his mom but she made him nervous now. He had ruined her life just as he had ruined his own. He had betrayed Voldemort which while keeping them both alive had ended them under house arrest in Malfoy manor, all thanks to saint Potter standing up for him. 

His father had gotten the kiss after Potter refused to testify for the man, and rightfully so. Now Draco was stuck in isolation for three years until he was put on probation then he was on probation for five then he only had decade check ups, that is if he received no violations. He frankly would have rather received the kiss. The isolation was killing him slowly, the silence, the memories, all of it. He had barely slept at all and it was destroying his body. He had lost a lot of weight, he had dark circles and he looked like he was half in the grave. 

He stayed on that step until morning which to his surprise was a lot closer than he realized. When the grey light started to break through the huge windows at the landing of the staircase Draco stood and walked to one of the four dining rooms of the manor. He found the most unused one he could and got one of the three house elves left to bring him a small breakfast of toast and an orange. He got a piece of the toast down before he felt over full, almost to the point of throwing up full. He wasn't sure if the lack of sleep was causing his appetite to plummet or what but he was never hungry anymore. As he sat staring at the leftover food a Hogwarts owl flew in through the window and dropped off a letter. Confused, he opened it and began to read.  

Mr. Draco Malfoy, 
We are inviting you back to Hogwarts to finish your last year of Hogwarts and get your NEWT qualifications. I have checked with your case worker and she has cleared all this with the ministry. You are welcome onto Hogwarts grounds and Hogsmeade with a ministry approved buddy.  Please send back your answer as soon as possible for the rest of the information. 

                    Sincerely, 
Professor McGonagall

He quietly set down the paper and contemplated if he wanted to go back and be tortured. That was of course what he thought of  first while school had been an escape from his father it had not been an escape from pain. He knew everyone in that school would hate him more than ever now that the war was over. He wanted to go back and get his education so he had even the slightest chance of getting a job though and that was what caused the hours of deliberation seated in the dinning hall. He weighed the consequences of going back one final time before sending a house elf to grab his pen and parchment. He wrote out a simple reply confirming he will be attending Hogwarts for his 8th year. He strapped the letter to the owl and sent it off. 

It was less than two days later when the reply came.

   Mr. Draco Malfoy,
We have decided after much consideration that the returning 7th years will have their own dorm and common room in one of the new towers. You will need all of the books from your seventh year and robes and of course your wand.  (Your new wand will be waiting at Hogwarts, the Ministry okayed it.)

                      Sincerely,
                  Professor McGonagall

Draco set the letter down and went upstairs to check that he still had all his Hogwarts stuff. When he tried on his robes he realized with slight horror that they were about 6 inches too short. "Shit."
He realized with even more horror he would have to find his mom and get ministry permission to go to Diagon alley to get his new robes. He paced around his room trying to find a solution. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, Why did you have to grow Draco?" he asked himself. He had grown quite a bit since his 6th year, He hadn't bothered to wear his robes in 7th he was rarely in class and when he was the teachers couldn't have cared less.

He shuffled around the house looking for his mom. That simple act had tired him immensely so after not being able to find her he sat in the main library and waited. He knew his mom would bustle through here at some point.

 He waited and waited and next thing he knew his mom was gently poking him awake. "Draco?" She shook him a little harder, "Draco."

"Oh good, mom I have a question." He said sitting up still disoriented.

"Yes Dray?" she asked from her position crouched next to the chair he had been asleep on for who knows how long.

"I got invited back to Hogwarts to retake my 7th year,"

"Oh Draco, that's great!" His mom said standing to her full height (which wasn't much) and clasping her hands.

"I wasn't finished, I said would go but there is a slight problem my robes don't fit anymore. They're like 6 inches too short."

"Oh, I see the issue." His mom replied less excited than before. "Well I will owl the Ministry, I'm sure with it being for Hogwarts they won't mind." With that Narcissa Malfoy walked away and Draco walked the opposite direction towards his room. He wasn't quite sure why the interaction with his mom had taken so much out of him but he was mentally drained.

He shuffled through the motions of changing into pj's and getting into his unmade bed. He didn't know if he would actually get any sleep but he still tried every night. He curled up under the sheets he hadn't had changed since the war in pjs that he wasn't sure were actually pajamas and tried to sleep.