Write it Down

#1 Alexandra Rae Grander

Write it down.

This is what you're told to do. But your thinking, if I write it down, and someone sees, then it's like giving someone all my secrets against my will.

So why would you do that? Hmm? Someone, please answer cause this is what you think all the time. So many words, so many thoughts swirling through your head, not knowing what to do with them.

Your name is Alexandra. You're fifteen, and you've been through so much... but don't worry you'll get through it...Somehow.

Now go on! Or you'll be late for school, or y-

"Alexandra! Get your butt down here!" too late... you run downstairs. Quickly. You grab your bag and start speed walking while you put your shoes on. (You aren't allowed to run in the house, so that's the best you could do.) When you get downstairs, your mom is standing there. Arms crossed. Foot tapping. She's wearing a tight black skirt that's mid-thigh. She's wearing a fitted white blouse, with dangling earrings, and thin sharp heels. And then there's you...black (slightly ripped) jeans with a tucked-in t-shirt, tennis shoes, and a hoodie.

You give a small smile, "Good Morning Mom," you say politely, but your smile fades as she says nothing. Her face, however, is screaming disapproval.

"Okay...Well, bye mom, uh see you later I guess." you look at her, and instantly regret it because she has a cold look. You don't understand how someone could change this much from one accident. A horrible one, but still only one. You think everyone has gone through it at least one in their life. That is everyone has lost someone they loved. Just some younger than others...

You walk out the door, when you reach the bottom of the steps you throw your hood up, put in your earbuds, and continue walking. You have 'bout half-mile to walk to school. Most people would complain, but you like walking to school every morning. You get time to think, clear your head, and just a time to be peaceful, get time to yourself. Although you realize, you have a lot more time to yourself then you think.

It's your second year of high school. 10th grade. You're nervous. You don't want it to be anything like last year. It's not that school was that bad... but everything else? That was horrible. You feel the same as you did last year. You don't really act differently. You have your friends, your music, a house, and the stuff you need. Well other than parents. You miss him. You're mad at that stupid car. The one that took him away from you. And basically your mom as well. She's still here but yet not. She changed so much, too much. You may as well be living with a stranger; and...they won't let you in.

Right now, you're sitting in a chair, back row, to the left of the classroom. Your friend Addie is sitting in the next row over. She's paying attention. You try. But your mind keeps wandering...

"Miss Grander," you look up to the teacher looking expectantly at you.

You wince at the name. Your dad's name. Your name. Used-to-be mom's name. "Yes, sir?" 

"Could you answer the question," he didn't wait long enough for you to answer, "Miss Grander, pay attention please." So much he knows you thought. You were paying attention right before he said your name, you had actually heard what he had said...but it didn't matter cause he doesn't know that. And like you're going to be able to tell him. You roll your eyes, and try to act like your paying attention more.

You're sitting with one foot on your knee slightly scrunched down in your chair. Your stuff in front of you. Your hood isn't allowed to be on your head, but it is covering your neck and part of your cheeks. That's probably why he thinks you're not listening.

You pull your hand out of its sleeve and pick up your pencil. You start to sketch. What you're drawing, you don't even know, but it's gonna be... just... well, I guess you'll see; won't you?

The bell has rung. You put your pencil away and close your notebook. You haven't really looked at it yet. You grab your stuff to put in your locker. Time for lunch.

~Lunch~

You decide to eat outside. You aren't very hungry, but your friends insist that you eat something. Especially cause you didn't eat anything this morning.

"Alex, you have to eat something," Addie is right. But you just aren't hungry. You keep thinking about your mom. About your dad. About everything that happened.

"I know Addie, but like I'm just thinking, a bit too much," she gave you a *Fine, but you're still doing it* look.

"Write it down Alex, you're really good at writing, but you refuse to put the stuff you're thinking down on paper." She shakes her head slightly, not understanding your reasons. No one knows why you refuse to write it down. Not really.

"Addie's right Alex, Eat your food!" this was one of your other friends, Mia. She goes to walk over to you, you quickly grab your sandwich and put a bite into your mouth.

"Okay, okay, I'm eating!" you know that Mia won't leave you alone unless you start eating. She's insistent like that. Not a bad trait honestly.

Outside it's sunny, but a thin cloud is covering the sun, well partially. You still feel blinded. 

"Hey Alex, what's the notebook?" Your friend Benjamin asked.

"Wha-" you look next to your food. "Oh- uh I was drawing something earlier." you had honestly forgotten about it. When he realizes that you aren't going to show him, he quickly stands up, reaches over, and grabs the notebook. Before you realize what happened he was looking at the picture. His jaw dropped, eyes wide. You go to grab the notebook to look, you don't actually know what it looks like. He thought that you wanted to take it so no one could look at it. If you're being honest that was partially true. Whatever the drawing was, it had to be personal you thought. Ben was quick so you weren't able to grab the notebook instead you ended up grabbing his arm, you didn't take that as a fail. Instead, you pull his arm towards you to try to get a better try at grabbing it. You were able to get the notebook in your hand, but getting it out of Ben's hand was the challenge now.

"Come on Ben!" you say to him. "I. Just. Want. To see it!" he rolls his eyes, he doesn't think that you haven't seen it, but just making something up so you can have the notebook. Now though you don't care who sees it, well, that's not true. Your mom wouldn't like it. She doesn't think art is important, special, a true form of emotion. - Not that she seems to be good with emotion.

Ben shot his arm up in the air, so basically twice your height. He's really tall so now there's no way of getting it. I mean seriously, does anyone have to be that tall?! You laugh inside your head. Ben always gets teased by us on how tall he is, but then he throws back on how "short" we are. You reach

"Ugh, fine!" your not actually annoyed, because you're confused and curious. Why wouldn't he give it to you? What is it? What did you draw? It couldn't have been that great. Or - wait what if it's really bad, that's why he doesn't want to show me. Your brain goes into slight panic mode. No, he really liked it Alex. You could tell on his face, he was in awe. But now you have to figure out why.

Without you knowing, Ben had shown Mia and Addie your drawing. They as well had wide eyes, and jaws dropped. Oh gosh, you think to yourself. Them too? There's no way the drawing was good enough to put people in awe of it. Now that you know for sure that it was bad and that they actually liked it, you really want to see it. Not just because you haven't before, but you want to see if it would be something your dad would've liked. He loved art. Just like you. He always understood why you liked sketching instead of writing. He would always understand what you meant by certain drawings, he would recognize how you would draw it, and why. God, you miss him so much. Now, no one understands you. You feel alone. You love your friends, and you know they're always there for you, but... it's not the same. You know they do their best, but they won't be able to understand everything. Not like how Dad did. At least they try you think to yourself. Your mom stopped trying with you. She barely ever shows that she cares about you. You could disappear from the face of the earth, and from what it seems; she wouldn't show any sign of caring. You can feel the sun and the slight breeze on your face, it reminds you of so many things, so many days, so many memories. You're snapped out of your thinking when, both Mia and Addie use your full name, 

"Alexandra Rae Grander!"