undedited
written after a guy told me he still loves his ex after i told him i don't ever want to get over him.
My heart was breaking and i still thought of all the soft words to get you out of your sadness.
you'll be super busy, i said, you won't think about it as much as you do now. you'll wake up one day and your heart will be fine, will be no longer breaking for her.
but i want her back, you said. i'll try to get her back.
and i said: i hope you get back together.
and my heart was breaking, soul aching. i stepped on the softest parts of me and encouraged you to go for it. said: i hope it'll happen. said: i hope you'll be happy.
I betrayed my own heart. built a cemetry in my chest. buried the banshee wails of my heart so deep i felt them vibrate in my sinews for days after.
i'm halfway dead now.
we only have one soul mate and for me, it's her, you said. three hours ago i broke myself in half like a glow stick, bled into our conversation like ink. how did you get to wash your hands from the blood i spalshed on you while cutting me open in the same breath?
I don't know if you've ever been shot but this is how it feels: confessing your love at 10 a.m. sober like the sun.
I don't know if you've ever been shot and it was your job to reload their gun for them but this is how it feels: confessing your love at 10 a.m. sober like the sun. then having them say, hours later, that they didn't feel like talking to you. that they dreamed of their ex. that they don't imagine themselves with anyone but someone who isn't you.
which part of my confession invited you to confess your love for someone else in the same space where i said, indirectly, that you might as well be my soulmate?
and i hate you for so many things but i still love you for so many others. and i love you so, so that even between me and myself, i can't bring the meanest parts of me to hold hands and wish for it to never happen, for her to be already three knees deep in love with anyone who isn't you.
i guess i'm too soft. too kind. too me. you said so yourself. i'm too soft. still, soft is not even the best way to describe me.
i'm an ocean, but people only see the rivers i pour into, think i'm too mean, too distant.
this is how you described me.
i can never bleach it out of memory.
i can never forget the clarity with which you saw me, how easy it was for you to put me into words. you saw me like no one ever did and perhaps no one ever will and that's what scares me.
i'll never find someone who'll look at me the way you did.
i hate you for so many things, but i still love you for so many others.
