I Will Love You 'Til...

Love

A/n

I had this little idea with an interesting subject and I wanted to turn it into a story so here is my one-shot about love and not only!

P.S: sorry for the mistake I might have made x) please don't hesitate to tell me if you see any!

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Every day was the same, every day I would do the same thing. The only thing who change was the way my heart would faltered each time i saw him, it would only get stronger every time.

Jonas and his smile, Jonas and his chocolate brown eyes, Jonas and his laugh, Jonas and his humor, Jonas and his body, Jonas, Jonas, Jonas.
I could go on and on with this list, even if I might run short on ideas, the next day I will find something else to say about the gorgeous Jonas.

He's not the handsome boy every girl will fall for, he's pretty basic, the "famous not famous type", he's known but not famous and yet he caught my eye, he wasn't "basic" for me. He was everything, and no one else could see him the way I saw him, not even himself.

If only he knew how much I adored him. But unfortunately for me, we only talked a bit and it was always during class. So I often asked myself, "why him? You barely know him, plus you never actually had a real talk with him." It's true, I had no reason to fall for him.

My friend, who happened to know a girl had a crush on him, only responded with a "but we never talked, how could she fall for me? We don't really know each other." If only guys could understand how much we'd crave to talk to the person we love but we're too scared of messing up. Our hearts are filled with too much perhaps. The insecurity is eating us alive, we feel like if we take the first step our monster made of collapsing self-confidence and insecurity will rip our legs, depriving us of the courage or the will to take a second step. The monster tells us we are safer this way, we can never get hurt that way. And we believe him, crawling back in his arms, getting false comfort in his arm, bleeding until we die because we decided to do nothing and not move.

But like we say, "Love is blind". It truly was. Love was giving you hope, if it was false hope are not, it was your decision to make... your mistake to make...

I guess you could say I made my "mistake" by believing it. I wanted so fucking bad the thing people called Love I didn't noticed I was getting sick from it. I was just coughing at first, though it was just some allergies. But weirdly, I only cough when he was around. One day, I was coughing so hard an actual petal came out, at first I though I was hallucinating. How could I had petals in my lungs? Did I swallowed a whole flower while I was sleeping? I didn't know and it was worrying me...

Each time Jonas would walk in a room I was in, I would cough. When he looked my way, I would cough one petal, when he smiled I would cough two, when he laugh I would cough three and on and on until I was coughing entire flowers. When I knew I was going to cough, I tried to go away from prying eyes. I would go to the bathroom so I could empty the content of my lungs in the toilet.

The flowers were a beautiful white but I noticed too late they were lethal to me. They were gorgeous but they were killing me slowing, like my love for Jonas.

The flowers were stained by the blood I was coughing at the same time. The roots of the plant were scrapping my lungs, it was suffocating me at the same time. Everytime I would look his way and feel my heart flutter, the roots would flutter too at the feeling of my unrequited love and expand in my too small lungs, depriving me of the oxygen I truly can't live without, unlike Jonas...

I couldn't do anything about it. The roots will continue to grow as long as my love for Jonas will remain.

I later heard it could actually be removed but the price was high. Not in term of money but the result was. If you removed it, you could never love again the person you're in love right now and in my case, it was Jonas. They say few people do the surgery and it's understandable, how could you possibly think of living a life without being able to love the person you love right now? If I had to choose between removing the roots to live but being unable to love Jonas or not removing the roots and still being able to love Jonas even if I die before confessing my love for him, I prefer to die in the comfort of my false hope people call Love.

I told myself that maybe Jonas loves girls like me? Maybe I was his style? But the more I heard him talk to his friends, the more desperate I became. He said "I would never date a black girl or an Arabic girl" and it destroyed my heart, turning it into dust beyond repair. I wasn't an Arabic girl nor a black girl. No, I wasn't arabic, black or white. No, i was black and white, I was both at the same time. He wasn't targetting me when he said that but it still hurt me like it was in insult. It hurt even more when I knew he wasn't the only one saying this kind of things. Some guys those days prefer white girls because it's "more their taste", saying it ever so lightly as if it wasn't a discrimination to all the people of color who dreamt of Love too.

What does it meant for me? That the next time I fall for a guy who happen to be white I should think; "Ah, maybe he's into white girl only..."? I've always loved my skin color, it's a conviction and today wasn't the day I will start hating it. But I can assure you, knowing that this conviction is not as unshakable as you thought it was hurts. Even just doubting that conviction hurted me at my core. "How could I?" I though, "How dare I?"

This time I didn't have to wait for my monster made of degrading self-confidence and insecurity to chop off my leg to join him. I welcomed him with opened arms. Only this time, it wasn't the monster I expected, it was a bigger one, a way more dangerous one; it was made of crippling sadness, rotting self-hatred and boundless emptiness. The more dangerous the monster was, the more comforting it was.

He could have killed me, but instead he helped me by ripping one by one the roots stuck in my suffocating lungs. The monster was killing my love for Jonas but it was killing the flowers at the same time.

Time did the trick and now every time I looked at Jonas, I couldn't feel my heart falter like before, I couldn't feel the so much needed warmth expand into my whole being. It was a calm sea, nothing to disturb the quietness. My love wasn't killing me anymore. I had moved on because I knew one day I would meet a boy who would see beyond the colors, beyond the appearance and beyond the walls of our heart. When that day arrive, I know I will take my first step and my second and my third and on and on without tumbling one time, without getting chopped off by my insecurities.

And at that moment...

We will finally see heart to heart...

"Whatever causes night in our souls, may leave stars."

-By Victor Hugo