View from the window

A warning for: alcohol and general sadness

Oh well, Ján says to himself, it's all over now 

Everything is quiet in this house, the sunlight is streaming in through the window blinds, the dishes are in the sink left untouched, the empty bottles are strewn about on the table and if they aren't empty they are waiting to be

Ján sets one down, one down, another one to go

It's all over, he groans, it's all over and thank god

Yes, she must be laughing now, somewhere very far away, laughing at how pathetic this all is, they got married and thought it was for forever, that after everything that had happened nothing else could happen, but that was just a naive dream now, none of it mattered

Ján hasn't left the house in days, he probably won't for a while since he has decided he's no good right now he mopes around and doesn't go to work

The phone rings but Ján knows who is calling so he doesn't answer, it must be Stefan again who's been calling non stop for three days, Stefan is persistent but Ján doesn't want to talk because he doesn't think he could talk to anyone, not when everything is bad like this 

When things are bad and everything seems like it's too much, a peculiar sound will erupt from the back of his throat something in between the cry of an animal and a half hearted sob, and when that happens he will take one of the half empty bottles and empty it 

She's better off without him and it's painful because he knows it 

Sometimes Ján gets angry, sometimes he feels like breaking things, that way everything can be even and balanced and the house can be as broken and worthless as himself, except he goes too far and then everything is a mess and its not better, it's worse than before

The anger subsides, then it's regret as he realizes that everything he is destroying is everything they built, everything that was supposed to be beautiful and last forever, but now here he was destroying it 

It's weak, it's pathetic, it's over

Ján, and he reminds himself, that's not who you are

One day he'll have enough courage to get up, to go to work and face the world and answer Stefan's calls, and think about something else but her, but not now.