Freya

5_Tears &Goodbyes

" One more thing.... there's school involved" my mom says. The juice I have been drinking comes flying out of my mouth, choking me in the process. " Sorry.. sorry...we meant to tell you sooner" mom says while rubbing my back. " Soon? How soon?...let's see, when I'm dropped off at an unknown building with kids running around" this people surely want to create a joke out of my life. " I'm sorry but I don't know anything about school...I've never been in a classroom before besides why can't you keep homeschooling me? It's way better than human interaction with a bunch of hormonal teenagers. I have been doing so well in all my subjects... Gracie and Mr Marius will tell you that I've been an excellent learner" I try to convince them because no way in hell am I going to be stuck in a four walled building for who knows how long.  "Honey....  school is not that bad, you might even make friends your age. You need to look like a normal teenager as much as you can and going to school is part of every normal teenager's life. You've always always wanted to be normal Quilandra and this is your chance.... well until it's safe to come back home" dad says clearly unaffected by my outburst.... more like slightly annoyed. " Dad I can't go to school ... this is crazy... people are going to laugh at me if they come to know that I've never  been to one" and it's as if I can see them doing just that. No way....I'm letting myself become a laughing stock...no way.

" Mom...dad... please... anything but school... please" I make a puppy face that usually works on my dad. " Not today honey" dad says as if reading my thoughts. " It's final...you start school next week Monday and no more complaining. Now can we please enjoy this delicious lunch...it's your last day here...you leave tonight" and just like that, I lose my appetite. " I still have one more day here what happened to that?" I glare at my parents who think they can just do things without telling me. " Well we thought it would be best if  you left earlier...to you know..... adjust" mom says. " Well it would be great if someone  around here keeps me informed about what is going on in my life because even I don't know. This is my life and I deserve to be told what happens in it but no... everyone is just on a 'let's just shove it in her face journey '  can't you see I'm scared...I'm frustrated...what if I never see you again? What if whoever it is finds me? You keep on making all these decisions not even once thinking about how I feel" and somehow I wonder if this is more about protecting themselves than me ...not having to deal with me incase something happens again. " It was great having lunch with you...I'm going to pack. Who knows, I might have to leave sooner than expected again and I would really hate to leave unprepared" I throw the napkin on the table, my appetite fading away faster with every passing second.

" Quilandra...honey...."mom tries calling but I'm already sprinting off to my room, slamming the door behind me. Why does it have to be me? Why is everything just going wrong? What have I done? With all my thoughts a jumbled mess, I decide to pack a few of my favourite things: photographs of my parents, one of my brother and I , some of my favourite paintings, my sketchbooks, a novel about artwork, my artist bracelets that Gracie got for me and my leather brush case. As much as I want to pack my whole life into my bag, I know I can't. I'll have to leave everything else behind and start over. I hear my door open and close but I barely even acknowledge Gracie who just walked in. " I'm sure you knew that I'd have to leave today" I quietly say pointing at my already packed bags. "I'm sorry.....I didn't know how to tell you" she says. " Like how you didn't know that I'll be going to school as well" I shout....is my life a joke? "It was not my place to tell you Quilandra....but I agree with your parents" of course.
" And why wouldn't you? Clearly my opinions and feelings don't matter in this house....they never have so why should they matter now?" I zip up the bag I was packing, my heart feeling so heavy at the emotional weight on my shoulders. To think that eighteen years of my life have been so easily packed into three bags makes me feel pathetic. An undeniable wave of sadness shoots through my heart, making me ache from the impact. For how long do I have to bear all this pain? Will I be able to pull through? " I want to be alone for a while please" I tell Gracie. " Of course...I'll let you know when it's time to leave. I'm always here for you Quilandra.... always" she softly says before leaving me alone surrounded by a world I have to say I almost knew. A world that has always been my comfort, my suffocation...the place where I was always alone, surrounded by both beautiful dreams and heartbreaking nightmares. I take in every detail of what was once upon a time my bedroom. I absorb the vanilla and lavender scent that has always lingered in the air, I take in the dark grey and white colours that surround every corner of my room. I feel every surface, every material from the queen sized bed to my dressing table... imprinting it all  into my memory. Feeling suffocated, I head to the bathroom in hopes that a cold shower would numb my pain and freeze my heart even for a few minutes.