After They're Gone

The Beginning

It was weird the day I found out. I woke up that morning around 6am for absolutely no reason. It was 7am, when they came knocking on my door. When they knock on your door, there are two men a higher ranking commanding officer and usually a minister. I had yogurt in my hand.

It's kind of funny grief. I can't remember what they said to me, but I can remember that I was eating Red Velvet Yogurt. I can remember that the scrunchie in my hair was leopard print and I was concerned that they could tell I wasn't wearing a bra under my sweatshirt. But the exact words they said or the brief counselling that happened after is all just blur. I smiled as I showed them out. I told them to have a good day. They must have thought I was nuts or that I didn't care.

I turned on Netflix and Risky Business popped up as suggested options. It came to the most famous scene of the movie. I turned to the dog and said "You remember the time Mateo- " That's when it hit. That's the moment I realized my husband was dead. That's when I realized that even though Mateo's deployment ended in a month, he wouldn't be coming home alive. 

Admittedly, I did not cope in the healthiest of ways. I locked myself in the house and went on a three day bender. In a moment of sobriety, I walked out of the house in sweatpants with unkempt hair to go to the grocery store. I walked down the junk food aisle grabbing every spray cheese they had in stock. 

As I unloaded my cart to check out, I saw the other military spouses whispering and clearly judging my appearance. Those assholes never liked me anyway. Mateo was almost six years older than me and a Captain. Apparently, that's somehow scandalous. I don't really understand the importance of rank or why these women made their whole lives about being a military spouse. I had two degrees and a career. That was something to look down upon? I thought I was impressive. In retrospect, maybe it was the ego they hated. 

I turned around and saw Adriana Cooper; the foreman of the rumor mill. Now, a captain's wife is supposed to hold herself with a certain level of decorum, but that didn't matter anymore, so I said, "My husband just got blown up, cunt." That left her speechless. 

On the third day of my bender, there was a knock on the door. It was Staff Sergeant Luke Stafford. I of course greeted him politely, "The fuck, you want." For some context here Staff Sergeant Stafford and I used to hook up before I met Mateo. He lied to me a lot and kept the fact he was married from me. I went a little crazy; it was a whole thing. 

"Can I come in?" 

"I'd prefer, if you didn't,"

"I heard about Mateo."

"I imagine you would."

"I also heard about what happened at the grocery store."

"I imagined the housing development heard about it by now."

"I know you hate the C word - "

"I've grown to like it." 

"So I know something is wrong." 

"Do I really have to say what's wrong?"

"Please, Mandy, let me in." 

"Why not? Everyone is already talking about me -  might as well give them a reason to believe I've rekindled my affair." I stepped aside and let him in.

We walked into the kitchen and I plopped down at the table. Luke went into the kitchen to make some coffee; presumably to get me sober.

"So you've seen me and I am clearly not OK. Why are you here?"

"Well, I heard about this support group."

"I'm not going to AA."

"It's not AA. It's for military widows. Colonial Carson's wife told me about it."

"I hate her."

"Which is why I'm here instead of her."

"I hate you too."

"But you hate me less."

"That's fair."

"So you'll go?"

"Of course, I'll go. I've been on a three day bender. That's not healthy. Clearly, I need to talk to someone."

"That was easier than I thought it was going to be. Here's the info."

Luke handed me a piece of paper with George Washington Middle School written on it. He tipped his hat, which aggravated me for some reason, and left.

Now, our story can begin. When I say "our" story, I mean "our" story. This isn't just about me and my experience this is about Gladys, Peggy, Mel, Johnny, and me. I'm just the messenger telling the story of what happens after they're gone.