UP THERE. | ジグク [DISCONTINUED]

five :: watch over me.

五 | watch over me.
_______________

june 25th, 2020

mornings were never really jimin's thing.

they never were my thing either, until he came about. i, everyday, challenged myself to wake up earlier than him to have the privilege of pulling him from his slumber, to watch his hair cover his lidded eyes and hear the playful whines leaving his lips as i kissed him awake.

but ever since he decided to... leave, i found myself oversleeping more often and waking up empty. cold. lacking the feeling of his arms laced around my torso, of his fluffy hair tickling my chest.

everything around me equally disappeared with him. our duo, busan revival, was – of course – disbanded, and only after a few people recognized me on the streets, it was all over, before i could properly understand everything. others refrained from talking to me when recognizing me, only sparing a glance at my prosthesis before walking away. i hated it. i hated all of it.

sometimes, i let myself wander on twitter and take a look at my inactive account. only to torture myself, to look for someone to blame. ranging from yoongi, to hoseok, to an unknown engineer, sometimes even to jimin, but always ending with myself.

the debate always concluded with jeon jeongguk as the culprit.

if i hadn't succumbed to him so easily, he would be well and here today. maybe not mentally well, but still very much present.

maybe what i chose was for the best. maybe he was right. it was the best for him.

no. it can't be right. if only i had sacrificed myself for him. if only i hadn't made up my mind so easily!

but wouldn't it be worse if he was alive?

if he was alive, hurting every day?

if i was the one who left instead of him, would he be as broken as me?

...

agh, i can't make up my mind! i don't know what's right or wrong anymore! so what if he wouldn't be okay?! so what if he wouldn't have anyone to hold?! he would still be here! he would have the privilege of life! in this world! he would be here, here with m—

...

...just who would he be here with..?

...

...why was i so naive?

his leave was all my fault. i couldn't possibly convince myself otherwise. as i glanced at one of the endless photographs of our once happy selves hanging over the mahogany bed frame, i sighed, letting my free hand roam up to hold his ring that hung from a necklace, the beautiful ring that once prettily enlaced his finger.

maybe i hadn't done anything to deserve him, as he was but a punishment bestowed upon me from god.

maybe his sole purpose was to make me the happiest man alive, only to leave me so... abruptly.

i closed my eyes, letting the camera roll visualize itself in my head. i scrolled through, picking one of the dustiest memories in the list.

july 5th, 2017. on our way to our honeymoon in london.