Blue

11

It's been a few months. I've managed to make him laugh a couple times, so he's improving. He still sleeps a lot and he eats some.

"Honey, I think it's about time to go through his room. Yeah?" I ask quietly.

"Why?" He looks at me.

"Well, it's sitting in a layer of dust. I have a friend who could use some of the toys."

"Those are Blue's toys." He pouts.

"Can we at least go through his room? We can keep some of you want." I offer. "But none of it's being used. And Blue always said that he always wants people to play with his toys." I cup his face.

"I guess you're right..."

He follows me to the bedroom. I watch Jisung go over to his bed and hug the pillow, struggling not to cry again.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

He shrugs. "This feels wrong."

"I know. But that's okay. We need to clear this space, okay?" I hold his face.

"For what?"

"I was hoping, since I've just been thinking for a while, maybe we could start over. I remember the day we first brought Blue home, and you were so happy. It can be like that again."

"We can't replace Blue! Who the hell do you think you are trying to use children like that?!"

"Honey, listen-"

"No! You listen! I won't have another kid if you're gonna say it like that!"

"Jisung, I don't wanna replace Blue! I just want there to be noise besides our fighting. I wanna be with you and it's hard when we argue all the time. I just want you to be happy." I feel my eyes sting as tears form. "If you don't want another kid yet, it's fine, but can you please understand what I mean the first time before assuming I'm picking a fight."

"Me? You pin all the fights on me?"

"See? That's what I mean! You always assume that I'm trying to blame you for everything. Just shut up and let me love you." I tackle him and pin him down on the floor.

He whines, pouting. I kiss his lips and hug him with the pillow. He rests his head on my chest.

"I'm sorry if my words come out the wrong way." I mumble.

"I'm sorry for getting so offended lately. I'm just still upset."

"Yeah... I'm upset too, but it feels too quiet and empty in the house."

"Yeah. Okay, idea. We don't get another kid yet. But we can get a pet. Like a dog."

"Uh-huh." I nod.

"That's just my whole idea." He shrugs.

"Oh, okay. I think that would be better. But we still have to clean the room out." I kiss his forehead.
-
"No, we can't let anyone have that." Jisung snatches the stuffed dinosaur from me.

"Why not?"

"It's... I like it." He looks down.

"Do you really like it or do you just not wanna let it go?" I ask.

"I don't wanna throw him away..." He hugs the toy.

"We're not throwing any of this away." I hold his face in my hands.

"Not the toys."

"Honey, Blue isn't being thrown away either. He's out there." I point out the window.

We look outside to see the small tree that had been planted in his ashes a few days ago. It's a cute little Blue Chinese Wisteria tree and it's only about as tall as a car.

"I guess." He slowly hands me the dinosaur so I can put it in a box.