Falling Asleep At The Wheel

Mini Story

I'm still kicking myself for falling asleep at the wheel, even if it was only briefly. I can hear my sister's voice in my head. She's always talking, whether or not anyone is listening, "It happens to the best of us..." yaddah yaddah yaddah. I laid there curled up in a ball of tears and snot as she tried to reassure me that this wasn't my last chance, I'd have the opportunity to love again, but deep down I knew that already. Unfortunately, awareness is rarely synonymous with acceptance, at least when it comes to me. I'm a hard ass, on purpose. I love love, which is why I tend to hate people. It often works out like that for empaths, but most of us are too guilt ridden to admit it out loud. To be fueled by a resource as limited as love, what a shame. It usually means walking around with my spirit's tank on E, and I am sick of that. Being this way makes it really hard to trust. I can't take anyone seriously, not even my own mother if I'm honest. People have motives, and most are impure, self-serving, or down right malicious. I learned that the easy way as a kid. I say easy because I learned someone else's lesson. I was an observant and obedient kid that way. I never needed to be told the same thing twice. I'd watch from the safety of my front-yard as the neighborhood kids got betrayed by their best friends, and sometimes even their own sisters for nothing more than the attention of some raggedy nappy-headed boy. I'd watch in amazement as they all fell into the same idiotic trap over and over again. And the boys would pretend to be innocent, beneficiaries of circumstance and low self-esteem. They swore it wasn't their fault, but I watched them plot on sisters, and revel at the sight of them fighting and pulling out each other's hair in the street. I realized then that love was not a constant, and that it meant something different to everybody. People throw the words around like they're weightless. That's what I thought Nathan was doing. I took him as seriously as I had taken every guy I encountered throughout my life. The way I see it, every man is a joke after one thing, but being honest about that fact is like their kryptonite. That's the most irritating part. Why not simply be honest? Despite the annoyance, I tolerate them, because I find them fascinating. I find people fascinating in general. Nathan is one of the most intriguing people I've ever met. I knew from our first conversation that I had the potential to fall for him, hard. So naturally, I committed myself to entertaining him, but maintaining emotional distance. Every time I found myself becoming overly consumed with thoughts of him, I'd reach out to one of my other beauxs to tame the inner-flame. I even withheld sex, out of fear that I'd be a goner. We'd been doing whatever we were doing for 3 months, and no sex. He didn't even make me feel guilty about it, which made it harder to hold out. So, how did I screw up something so great, you ask? My ego. I really wanted to see him one day after work, and he wasn't responding. An hour passed, and then 2, and 3. Before I knew it, it had been 6 hours and I hadn't heard from him. That was unusual to say the least. So what did I do? I called Jason of course. He answered on the 2nd ring. Thirsty much...I called him over and to my surprise he looked much better than I remembered. MUCH better. And he showed up with Thai food in hand, my favorite. Shrimp Pad Thai, no peanuts, extra lime, and a Thai iced tea with crushed ice. I wasn't but 2 bites into my food when I heard a knock at my door 🥴. I tried to ignore it, but Jason was looking upside my head like he couldn't wait to see what worms were about to come out of this can. I got up and did my best to look unbothered, but on the inside I was giving my stomach a pep talk, trying to convince it to keep holding on to my food. I looked through the peephole and saw none other than Nathan's fine self. I knew it was over for me. I couldn't even think of a lie that made sense. I took a deep breath, opened the door, slid out, and closed the door behind me. I ignored the confusion on his face and the strawberry Haagen Dazs ice cream in his hand. "Can I help you?" I asked, with my arms folded across my chest. "Geesh, like that?" He replied. "Yup," I wasn't budging. "I'm sorry I missed your call and text. I thought I told you I was driving my sister back to campus today." He certainly did tell me that, and I certainly forgot. I didn't even know what to say next, but I didn't have to. It sounded like Jason knocked over everything in my crib. Nathan looked at the door and then down at me. I looked into his eyes, silently pleading for him to ignore what he'd just heard. He didn't. He handed me the pint of ice cream, nodded at me, and walked away. I was speechless. I knew I couldn't be mad at anyone but myself, but I was still going to cuss Jason out.