Of T:Times And

taegyu.

Look, its Taehyunnie! Hyunnie, say hi to the camera!”, chided Beomgyu, which earned a groan from the younger.

“Hyung, go away, you’re annoying me. I need to work on this project and here you are, sticking to me like your life depends on it. Go annoy Soobin hyung or something”, Taehyun retorted, successfully shooing away the elder. Don’t get him wrong, he really loves Beomgyu but today he’s not feeling just too affectionate with the elder. He hopes his hyung understood him or else convincing Beomgyu to not be sulking throughout the whole day is a mountain of work and honestly, Taehyun has a lot of work to do rather than sit and coax his hyung to stop doing the signature long face he does whenever he’s rejected by him.

Or maybe it’s the fact that he has always been in love with Beomgyu? It’s just that, Beomgyu has been quite a bit overly affectionate towards the younger, and Taehyun couldn’t help feel the blush rise on his high cheeks whenever he’s called Hyunnie, a signature name only Beomgyu calls him by. Or maybe by the fact that his heart starts to beat rapidly whenever he smells the woody, musky smell of the body wash the elder uses, when Beomgyu literally jumps on him to sleep together giving the excuse that he can’t sleep alone.

(Real smooth hyung, Taehyun thinks. He loved to sleep alone so much when they were first introduced to be in the debut group that he once kicked off Kai when the younger was trying to sneak into the bed of the elder one.)

Shaking away those thoughts, Taehyun decided to focus on his project. The teacher will chew his head off if he doesn’t meet the deadline. It’s hard for him sometimes, both being an idol and the best student of the class to whom people look up to. Beomgyu hyung will be okay, I’ll make up to him in time.

Or so he thought.

-

Beomgyu doesn’t know how it starts. Maybe it’s the hundredth YouTube video he saw with a heading that perfectly describes his misery: Beomgyu and Taehyun bantering with each other; a compilation. Through most of the video, its him irritating Taehyun to the extent that he gets shooed away, or maybe it’s the fact that he gets to see him being pushed away out of the camera, he thinks he’s too tired for all this shit. But whatever the reason, Beomgyu starts not to care anymore.

        -

There’s supposed to be a really annoying hyung clinging all up over him now, but there isn’t, and Taehyun feels alone. Too alone. It’s not that he was deprived of affection and attention because Soobin has patted his head probably twenty times today and Yeonjun has wrapped his arms around his neck to an extent he couldn’t breathe (Yeonjun has a weird way of showing love and Taehyun doesn’t complain). Even Kai has clung to him like a koala for two hours demanding to copy Taehyun’s homework which he eventually gave away. Don’t get him wrong, it’s just that Kai can get drastically cute when he demands something. The air around him feels cold and empty and its weird so, armed with the T: Time camera, (because he can’t seek Beomgyu without an actual reason), Taehyun starts off to find Beomgyu.

He finds Beomgyu sitting at the end of the waiting room with a churro in his hand, absentmindedly chewing on it and staring off to space. It’s odd, Taehyun thought; Beomgyu is usually hollering and running around the entire waiting room with Yeonjun on his back hot in his heels if not clinging to Taehyun.

“Wow, look its Beomie”, Taehyun teases for the camera and Beomgyu smiles for the camera but its nit his million-dollar smile which makes Taehyun fall head over heels his hyung again.

“Wow, you brat”, Beomgyu laughs and pushes the camera off his face. “I’m your hyung, you know”.

It’s their usual everyday banter but Beomgyu isn’t jumping up Taehyun to ruffle his hair and shout in his ears until he turns deaf. Beomgyu just sits there, smiling weirdly saying the usual to their fans, and Taehyun, unsettled, leaves to find another member to film.


      -

Once Beomgyu had climbed into their shared van, Taehyun pushes ahead of Kai to sit beside Beomgyu. Usually Taehyun doesn’t sit next to Beomgyu because he’s always sweaty and irritable after performances and doesn’t want to deal with Beomgyu’s childlike antics, but today Beomgyu has been weirdly quiet and Taehyun wants to know the reason (he thinks that maybe because their fans weren’t able to attend their first fan live and they literally had to perform in an empty concert hall). He’s a little sad that whatever Beomgyu’s thinking, he isn’t sharing it with Taehyun.

And Beomgyu would usually gush out that Taehyun loves him enough to sit beside him and fall into his lap but today, he’s just quietly staring outside the window.

This behaviour of Beomgyu caught Soobin’s attention, and he nudged Taehyun from the side and nodded his head towards Beomgyu’s direction. Taehyun taps on his shoulder.

“Beomgyu hyung?”, Beomgyu stares at Taehyun, clearly shocked that Taehyun called him “hyung” and not his usual Beomie.

“What?”

“Are you okay? You seem distracted”, the members start staring at Beomgyu now.

Beomgyu blinks and answers. “I’m just a little tired, that’s all”.

The rest of the members ease and starts getting engaged in their own conversation. They’ve all had these days when they want to be left alone but no matter how much Beomgyu had wanted to be alone before, he’s never shut out Taehyun like this. But now Beomgyu’s shutting him out and Taehyun feels like something is breaking inside.

When they reach their shared dorm, Yeonjun tells Beomgyu that he should go take a shower first and Beomgyu approved, humming while skipping towards the bathroom and giving Yeonjun a warm smile. Apparently, it’s a good enough show for Yeonjun who is been called over by Soobin for a twitter selca. It’s not good enough for Taehyun because he knows somethings up. Beomgyu never hums.

Beomgyu always sings.


  -

That night, when Beomgyu climbs into his bunk bed for sleeping, Taehyun crawls in after him and buries his nose in Beomgyu’s neck. He smells like the woody musky body wash and Taehyun feels his heart beating faster.

“What are you doing?”, Beomgyu’s voice is tired and Taehyun just wants to give him some comfort, so he scoots closer.

“You okay hyung? You seem kinda sad”.

Beomgyu snickers and rolls away from Taehyun, the latter stunned, because Beomgyu has never rejected snuggles from Taehyun of all people. He’s a sucker for snuggles, everyone in the band knows that.

“I’m fine. Go hang out with Hyuka or something, I’m tired. I wanna sleep”.

Taehyun blinks, clearly shocked. Maybe he should talk to Hyuka about this. He swings off the bed, sighing.

He walks to the door but halts. Turning back, he calls out “Hyung”, Beomgyu’s sheet rustle but he doesn’t answer. “You know you can talk to me about anything right? Like I, do you?”

There’s no answer and Taehyun leaves the room, hollow. Beomgyu must’ve been a little bit too tired to fall asleep just like that.

  -

“Beomgyu hyung is acting weird”, Taehyun announces, once he enters the room where Hueningkai was getting ready to slip off to bed. Hueningkai stares at him for a minute, brows furrowed. “He’s so quiet now and he doesn’t- you know- with me”.

“Like what?” Hueningkai asks and Taehyun groans out in frustration.

“You know! Like- “he grabs Hyuka’s arm and shoves himself in his space. “Like you and Soobin hyung”.

“Yah! Me and Soobin hyung are nothing like that”, Hyuka bites back, blushing furiously.

“Oh, shut up, don’t act like we don’t notice anything. Soobin hyung went great lengths to declare that you’re his gum in front of national television. Who are you kidding?”, Taehyun teases a bit more, earning a smack from Hueningkai.

“Can we talk about your misery for a bit?”, Hueningkai muses.

Taehyun glares at him frustratedly. “So, he’s not doing it anymore. Don’t you think it’s weird?”

Hueningkai shrugs. “It’s good for you, isn’t it? Since you didn’t seem like you wanted him to touch you anyways”.

Taehyun grumbles. “No!”, he says defensively, frantically putting his hands up in the air, “It just- It wasn’t like I hated it or something- “, Hyuka gives him a pointed look which clearly speaks explain, and it riles up Taehyun more. “It’s just- well it has never stopped him before, so why now?”, Taehyun speaks furiously and Hueningkai only stares back at him in bewilderment as if he doesn’t seem to understand what actually is going on.

“Maybe you should talk to Beomgyu hyung?”, Soobin says as Taehyun relates the same problem to the leader. Taehyun swears to himself saying none of the members are helpful and if he was elder, he might’ve smacked the shit out of every one of them.


   -

But that night, Taehyun again slips into Beomgyu’s bed, and rests his head against the crook of Beomgyu’s neck. The elder doesn’t respond.

“Hyung, did something happen back at home?”, Taehyun asks slowly.

Beomgyu snorts. “Of course, not”. He doesn’t explain anymore and makes Taehyun even unsure of how to deal Beomgyu who’s never been like this before.

“Did something happen?”, Taehyun tries again and this time Beomgyu laughs, a clear sound which made Taehyun happy but hollow inside. It’s a bitter sound, which made Taehyun hurt.

“Maybe”, Beomgyu says. “maybe somethings actually happened. Maybe it’s been happening for a long time and you only cared to notice now, Taehyunnie”. The nickname Taehyun loved so much sounded like plain mockery.

Taehyun feels stung. He knows he isn’t the most sensitive to others feelings but hey, he’s trying, isn’t he? “Hyung…...”, his voice trails off, unsure what to say next.

Beomgyu backs away from him. “Don’t pretend like you care, Hyun. Just go”.

Taehyun recoils. “Hyung, I do care. Why do you think I keep on asking you if something’s wrong?” And maybe Taehyun’s a little angry because he wants to solve the matter and Beomgyu’s just being stubborn with him.

“No, you don’t.” Beomgyu says, “If you did, you would’ve found out by now since you’re Taehyun, but the fact is you just don’t. and if you don’t figure out now, you can never figure it out”.

There’s silence and after that Taehyun feels lost, unsure of what to do or what to say. Bitter feelings rise up to his chest but he swallows it down, he doesn’t want to make Beomgyu feel worse than before.

Beomgyu sighs and sits up too. The bunk bed is too cramped for two grown men and their shoulders brush each other. Taehyun can practically see the side profile of Beomgyu and he’s visibly tired.

“I’m tired Taehyun”, Beomgyu says and his voice is no longer bitter. It’s sad and Taehyun doesn’t know which one is worse. “There’s fans and practice and I know I have to be Beomgyu again, the bubbly happy loud personality fans love”.

Beomgyu doesn’t look at Taehyun and continues,” And I know what you want. You want me to be back to normal, bouncing around. Loud and trying to hug you, kiss you but failing and I will”, it sounds more like Beomgyu is convincing himself to stop. “I will. For now,”, Beomgyu looks up at Taehyun and says “let me be a little bit tired?”

Taehyun, knowing that the atmosphere of the room has become heavier, breaks his eye contact with Beomgyu and climbs up to his bunk.

He’s so selfish, he thinks. He has been selfish with every affection Beomgyu tried to show, his hugs, his kisses and never really thought how Beomgyu felt.

He starts sniffling, trying to hold back the sobs that threaten to come out of his mouth. His mind was shouting at him, to go to Beomgyu, yank him up from his sleep and shout at him, ask him how does it feel to love someone even if you know you can never get that person? How does it feel to shut out the love of your life?

I’m suffering here too Beomgyu hyung, can’t you see? Why can’t you see?


  -

The next day, Beomgyu doesn’t even try to hide how is he from the other members. He’s visibly listless in the car, in the waiting room, anywhere where there’s no camera. On camera, he’s bubbly enough but as if someone has built a dam on his emotions, he’s stiff.

Taehyun is looking over where Yeonjun is trying to cheer up Beomgyu but of no avail. Beomgyu flashes small smiles to his members saying he’s alright, he’s just a bit tired but he’s still on standby.

Yeonjun only stops bothering Beomgyu when he’s called over for his makeup and Taehyun sides up to him. “Shouldn’t we leave Beomgyu hyung alone?”, he asks Yeonjun.

“Don’t you know? And I thought you were the closest to him. Beomgyu loathes being alone whenever he’s tired or grumpy”. At Taehyun’s confused look, he pokes his finger to his stomach earning a glare from the younger, “Do you even know him? If there’s anything he craves its affection”.

You only cared to notice now, Taehyunnie.

Taehyun looks back at Beomgyu, who’s trying to catch some sleep.

He’ll try again tonight.


    -


“Don’t you have your own bed?” Beomgyu sighs when Taehyun stands there but moves over when Taehyun starts to lift the covers.

“Hyung”.

Beomgyu sighs for the nth time. “I really don’t want to have a conversation now”.

“I don’t want to talk; I just want you to confide in me”. When Beomgyu doesn’t answer, he starts fiddling with some loose strands off the pillow. He’s not good at confrontation, but its Beomgyu and Taehyun wants to fix this.

“Huh, that’s new”, Beomgyu looks at Taehyun straight and their faces are inches apart. He shuffles so that his face is up towards the ceiling and retorts, “For once you want me to talk”.

What the hell? “What do you mean?”, Taehyun frowns.

“For once you want me to talk instead of pushing me away”.

“That’s just a joke, hyung. Fanservice. I want to do something funny for the fans, that’s all”.

“That’s it, isn’t it? That’s what I am, a joke”. Tremors can be heard in Beomgyu’s voice, and he continues, “I am a joke to you”.

“Hyung, that’s – “

“I’m not as strong as you think I am Taehyunnie. I get offended and I get hurt but none of it is supposed to make sense because it’s just a joke, I’m just a joke”, Beomgyu’s voice is shaking now.

Taehyun feels guilty. Extremely guilty.

“Go away”, Beomgyu says, turning away from Taehyun. “Just go away”.


    -

When Taehyun first slides into the practice room he’ll spend most of his career, he shudders. He’s too nervous, they told him he’s too good, he can sing and rap and dance and they were happy he had chosen them over the 20 companies so there’s no need to worry. But Taehyun isn’t really at puberty, he’s small and scrawny and he’s painfully shy and awkward and isn’t really sure what to do as the second youngest.

“Hi”, he mumbles and his fellow trainees stare at him with curiosity.

“Welcome! I’m Beomgyu!” A boy with a full black outfit approaches him, and he can’t help but stare. He’s perfect, the outfit really suits him making him shine out from the throng of trainees in the room. He’s also wearing a Supreme headband which makes him the hottest trainee in the room. Taehyun shakes off those thoughts, frowning and taking the hand which has been given to him.

“Taehyun”, he says shyly, “Nice to meet you too”.

Beomgyu slings an arm around Taehyun, nearly trapping him in a headlock and says “Let’s be friends, yeah?”

Who can say no to this gorgeous kid? Taehyun nods his head meekly and off Beomgyu goes, introducing him to every trainee in the room.


-

Taehyun doesn’t remember when his feelings towards Beomgyu changed from one of best friends to of one that brings butterflies in his stomach and blushes up to his cheek. Beomgyu comes and slings his arm around Taehyun and blood rushes to his face.

It will be nice to kiss Beomgyu, Taehyun thinks, looking at those perfectly plump kissable lips.

When he finally comes back to reality, Taehyun ducks out of Beomgyu’s grip and looks at Beomgyu. Beomgyu is visibly hurt, and Taehyun flashes a forced smile to him in return. “Let’s practice one more time, yeah?”, he asks Yeonjun, trying to ignore the erratic beating of his heart and the hurt look on his Hyung’s face.


-


“Do you know why Beomgyu hyung is being weird?”, Taehyun asks Soobin. It’s their break and Beomgyu is in the bathroom.

Soobin looks at him. “Yes, I do know what’s going on with Beomgyu. But he doesn’t want me to interfere in this”, Soobin says. “He wants to fix it himself”.

Taehyun feels an irritation rise up his belly, as Beomgyu trusted Soobin enough to tell him, not Taehyun.

“Why do you care? Don’t you hate him?” Soobin asks.

“What the hell hyung, I don’t. Why are all of you asking me the same question?”

Soobin shrugs. “I don’t know kiddo. Ignoring him when he calls for you, pushing him away when he hugs you, I can make a whole list”.

If only you knew hyung.

“That’s on camera”, Taehyun defends, “I’m just- “joking.

Taehyun falls silent as Soobin looks at him. “Look, Hyunnie, you’re still growing”, Soobin says, running his fingers through Taehyun’s hair. “You’re unsure of what you want but that doesn’t mean you’ll push him away, isn’t it?”, Soobin’s voice is soothing and Taehyun knows what Soobin is talking about.

“Hyung, can I confess something?” Taehyun looked up from between his eyelashes, staring at Soobin.

“Of course, Hyunnie, you know I’m always there for you guys”, Soobin smiled, warm.

“I think, I like Beomgyu hyung? Not that kind of like, I like like him, y’know? Ah, how can I explain this to you….” Taehyun trails off, frustrated.

“You’re in love with Beomgyu.” Soobin deadpanned, matter of factly.

“What!? Hyung, don’t say this so casually, what if someone hears you? I’ll be doomed!”, Taehyun was whisper shouting when Soobin looked dead in the eye.

“We all know Hyun. Hell, Hyuka knows too. Don’t you think you’re a little too obvious? You always blush and become a stuttering mess whenever Beomgyu is near you. The Taehyun I know is extremely smart and cool but only loses himself whenever his Beomie hyung is near him”, Soobin trails off, in a sing song voice, “And judging by how you’re so hung up over this, I think you probably know what you want”, Soobin ended seriously.

What Taehyun wants?

The friendly arm across his shoulder that Taehyun wishes was more than friendly, the lips that mouthed his name so easily that Taehyun wanted to kiss ever since he set his eyes on them, more kid than teenager. The boy that Taehyun had hurt, and hurt, and hurt, because he didn’t have the courage to reach out for what he wanted.

Taehyun understands. I love you hyung, and I’m coming to get you.

“Thanks, Soobin hyung. And oh, by the way, I know about you and Hyuka. Nice going out there.” Taehyun flashes a cheeky grin and runs out before Soobin can catch him.

“Yah, Kang Taehyun! You think you can get away so easily? Wait till we three gang up on you and start teasing you….”, Soobin’s voice trailed off and Taehyun shuddered. Teasing Soobin hyung was a bad idea. Now three of them are going to gang up on him? That’s not fucking fair! Taehyun brushes his thoughts away and goes into their shared bedroom.


   -

That night, Taehyun doesn’t let Beomgyu sleep in his own bed. He yanks up Beomgyu to his bunk, the topmost bunk of the shared bedding. Beomgyu doesn’t put up much of a fight, he just lets Taehyun manhandle him.

“you don’t have to be so nice”, Beomgyu mumbles from Taehyun’s neck where the elder is pressed. “I told you I’ll go back to normal soon”.

“But that won’t fix things, right? I want to make it up to you hyung”, Taehyun says and Beomgyu is silent.

“I love you hyung”, Taehyun says into the neck of Beomgyu. “I love you a lot”.

“Don’t lie, Taehyun.” Beomgyu says tiredly, “Aren’t I the one whom you hate the most in the group?” Beomgyu laughs, “Funny how that is when everyone knows you’re my favourite”.

“You’re my favourite too”, Taehyun says. “Always have been. Ever since you approached me in the practice room all the years ago”.

Beomgyu laughs, recalling the incident. “Only because you were cute and scrawny and didn’t know where the hell you had landed to”.

Taehyun breathes. “That…. was me. Only I wasn’t really sure of what I wanted back then”.

“You’re young Taehyunnie, you can achieve whatever you want”.

“Even if what I want is you?”

There’s a minute of silence and the Beomgyu starts shaking. Voice breaking, he snaps back, “Taehyun, don’t”.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t do this. You clearly don’t mean it, it’s another joke of you, you always say things and you don’t mean them and then I always have to…...”, Beomgyu breaks off, sniffling.

“Beomie hyung”.

“Hyunnie”, Beomgyu says desperately, “You tell me I’m cute and then say I’m not your type, you carry me during music shows and then push me away when I try to hug you, I can’t do this Hyunnie, I’m not strong enough to- “

Beomgyu’s voice is shaking harder than his body and Taehyun feels guilt and bitterness rise up his throat. It’s because of him his Beomie hyung is like this today.

“Beomie hyung”, Taehyun says softly, pressing a kiss on his forehead. This time, Beomgyu doesn’t push him away. “Do you know how much I love you? I’ve been wanting to kiss you since I’ve laid my eyes on you”.

Beomgyu whimpers and Taehyun leans down to kiss Beomgyu full on the lips. The sound Beomgyu makes sends tingles down Taehyun’s spine, and when he pulls away, Beomgyu is flushed beet red, and blinking at him.

“This all feels like a dream”.

Taehyun laughs and curls his fingers with Beomgyu’s, “One you’ll never have to wake up from, Beomie hyung”.

“I love you too, my Taehyunnie.”