Through Pain

Through Pain

PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. That's all Jamie could think as she sat alone in her room sobbing. The tumor inside her shoulder making it nearly impossible to sleep. 'I can't keep doing this.' She cried to herself softly, she hadn't slept in four nights and lacked energy to even call out for her mother. There was no point anyways, painkillers wouldn't ease the pain and she had already seen doctors twice that week who could give no answers, all Jamie's mother could do is watch her in agony and long to take her place. So, for that reason, Jamie stayed silent and let the night drag on.

Although Jamie could not sleep that did not mean she could not dream, her thoughts often consumed her and tonight she did not have the power to stop them. In flooded countless feelings all at once, eating away at Jamie. Pain. That was the strongest. But this time it was stronger, it was worse, it did not even begin to compare to the pain of her tumor. This pain was different, unexplainable. It was not a physical pain, not like a broken arm or a papercut, but it was no less real. Jamie's only way to describe it was to feel broken.

To an outsider looking in Jamie was fine. She was smart and did well in all her classes, she was polite and greeted people with a smile, it seemed like Jamie should have plenty of things to be happy about. But for Jamie things didn't seem the same. For Jamie things always seemed to have sadness looming above them. When she would hang out with her friends, she always felt unwanted and simple comments and teasing began to feel more hurtful, and because of that she started drifting further away, and when no one seemed to notice, Jamie cut ties altogether.

Life had become boring without the constant chaos of a large group of friends, the only person Jamie talked to anymore was Audrey. Jamie and Audrey had been best friends for years, Audrey was quiet and kept to herself, but she was a good friend to have around. Audrey had always stuck by Jamie and chosen Jamie over the group, and for that Jamie was secretly very grateful. But even with Audrey life was boring, they would go to the store during their lunch hour, some days with very few words spoken between them, they would get their food and return to the school and most days eat in silence. Jamie would watch her old friends laughing and yelling in excitement and long to be sitting there with them.

Jamie had always been passionate about school; it was something she was good at. But this year there was something different, something wrong. Jamie felt as if she had lost the passion she had once held for her education. She had always had a plan for her future, she had wanted to go to university and do something important with her time, but this year it felt as if she could not care any less about failing a class or dropping out altogether. Because of this Jamie had begun to put less effort into her work, and she struggled to pay attention in her classes. At the end of first semester Jamie seen changes in her grades, but no one else seemed to notice, so life went on.

School work was not the only thing Jamie felt less invested in. Jamie was a kind and caring person; she would put effort into helping people and volunteer her time whenever given the chance. But this year had changed too. The things Jamie wanted to do seemed less valid, joining an art club or sports team seemed pointless. Even watching her favourite shows began to feel like a chore for Jamie. Everything she had once loved doing began to feel exhausting.

Not only did Jamie feel different, her appearance changed as well. She no longer had the motivation to put together nice outfits in the morning, instead she resorted to baggy hoodies and sweatpants. She couldn't be bothered to put on makeup most days, and her style began to reflect how she felt inside. Tired. Both physically and psychologically, she was tired. When Jamie did sleep it was restless and unsatisfying, leaving her no less exhausted.

Most nights Jamie didn't bother sleeping at all. She would lay there thinking about how she got to this point, how she let herself sink so deep into this ocean of feeling blue. What were the bricks that had been tied to her feet, and how much further could she sink before hitting the ocean floor? Jamie didn't want to feel sad, tired, or broken. She never wanted this pain. But she wasn't sure where to begin picking up the pieces of herself.

To Jamie it felt like freedom from this pain was impossible. She would tell herself "Maybe this is normal." but Jamie was smart enough to know she shouldn't feel like this all the time. This growing pain inside her needed to end. It had been slowly festering and gaining power over her and she couldn't keep feeling this way. Jamie's thoughts were too much for her to handle alone. Jamie began looking for ways to get through this pain. But Jamie's brain was clouded by her thoughts.

Her brain offered her no rational solutions to her pain. Laying there in her bed everything felt hopeless. And Jamie couldn't stop her cloudy thoughts from swarming like bees. All her reasons for feeling this way were right there in front of her. Heartbreak, insecurity, fear, loss, misfortune, the list went on. She had been hurt repeatedly and because of this Jamie couldn't see herself as deserving. "I need help." Jamie said to herself, drifting out of consciousness, too exhausted from thinking to put off sleep any longer.

A week went by, Jamie didn't go to school. The tumor in her shoulder made it difficult for her to rest but she was so exhausted from her thoughts running wild that she stayed in bed most of the week. She tried not to think too much, Jamie knew her thoughts would be her downfall if she let them get the upper hand. Jamie was tired of letting everything control her. She was more than ready for things to change.

The next week Jamie decided she was able to attend school. At lunch, her and Audrey went to the store like usual, they bought their lunches and headed back to school.

"Audrey, I think I'm depressed." Jamie said abruptly. There was a moment of silence.

"I could tell something was different with you Jamie" Aubrey replied, slowing her pace to walk closer to Jamie. "How long have you been feeling like this?"

"Awhile."

"Do you know why?" Aubrey questioned gently.

"I'm not sure. Everything just feels like too much. I think it's all just been adding up and I didn't want to deal with it." Jamie was right, she had let herself feel this way for too long.

"You should talk to someone. A councillor or a therapist, they could probably help you."

"Yeah I was actually thinking about that." replied Jamie. "I'm tired of feeling like this all the time, something needs to change."

"Yeah. I'm glad you told me though, and you can let me know if I can help at all. I'm always here to listen to you Jamie." Audrey hugged Jamie tightly. And with that they returned to the school like normal.

Jamie was glad she had talked to Audrey; she had been understanding. That was encouraging to Jamie. If everyone could be that understanding, then maybe things didn't have to feel hopeless. Maybe she could find a way through this pain.

That night Jamie's thoughts were calmer. And for the first time in months she didn't lay awake battling them. Instead she drifted into a much-needed peaceful sleep. Even her dreams were peaceful. It finally felt like she could breathe. Jamie realised that if just talking to Audrey had this much of an impact, then she wasn't unfixable. She would talk to her mother and father. Then, she could begin picking up her pieces, and slowly but surely things could get better. Things could be good again, and Jamie would be okay. Because there is always a way through pain.