Wrapping My Arms Around Hate

Part 1; Her Name Is Jenna, His Name Is Jasker.

You see.. I'm just someone who can't be loved. When I was 12, I started middle school. Middle school years were the worst. I got pushed around, bullied, teased and called names. Of course it was scary. Well, I couldn't stand up for myself worth shit. So it just continued, my anxiety and depression got worse. Then when I had enough.. I flipped on a prep. But it wasn't me. It was Jasker. Who is he?.. He is a boy. He is about 5'9 and has rugged dark hair and dark brown intimidating eyes. He is around 17 and loves to fuck with me. Oh did I mention, he is in my head. Only I can hear him. Only I can feel him. Only I suffer because of him.. Think its tough being judged? Try having an abusive boyfriend figure Inside you teasing and calling names. Having semi control over your body. And hurting you and other people.

_________

I woke up at 5pm.  "Hey bitch wake the fuck up. Lazy ass worthless cunt." I heard him say. "Just leave me alone Jasker. I'm not in the mood." I replied tiredly. I heard his dark mocking chuckle. "Listen, you don't tell me what to do. I can end your life in a moment. Remember?" I did remember. The day he forced a razor blade to my throat to show 'who boss was'. He did scare me. A lot. "You better fucking be scared." I felt his evil grin across his face as I sat up slowly.

Now you see, Jasker isn't the most loving. He is the reason I have so many problems.

I stood up. It was winter so it was dark already. I walked downstairs to see my stepmother at the sink. "I made dinner, girlie. But you were asleep so I didn't bother to wake you. If you would like there are things in the fridge." She said with a smile, Our bills had been due for months and we weren't the most fortunate with our finances. Daddy had been fired months ago cause he apparently had been stealing from his job. He wasn't, his friend was. Wow, some friend. My stepmother works at a cafe as a waitress. She makes far below minimum wedge. So I guess I'll tell you now. I have a job. I have no choice. I work along side a seamstress who makes beautiful dresses and has a heart of gold.

I was hungry, so i got in the fridge and stared at the bulb. It flickered weakly. "Mom the light in the fridge needs changed." I yelled not so loudly at her across the kitchen. "I know hun." She replied "when I get the change to get some I'll change it." I didn't answer. My eyes stared into the light. Picturing as though it was the sun. The world would freeze over without the sun. It would go cold and everything would die off as ice would cover even the last lifeless carcass of a human laying on the ground. As my mind sifted these thoughts around and my senses dulled, the fridge door slammed shut. "god fucking dammit we aren't trying to heat up the fridge, dumbass." My older brother yelled. I stood there, my eyes wide as my senses returned. Yet I still womdered, what would it be like if the world froze over.. Would it hurt.. To.. Freeze to death? Suddenly I heard his laugh again. "Haha no. But I'm pretty sure people freeze when they see you. Ask them?" Jasker laughed and wallowed in his pitful remark. I just ignored him, wondering plainly what death felt like. And that continued clear until I went back to sleep that night.