Happiness Is My Depression

Fear slithered down the back of my spine like a thirstful python. The voices continue to plague my mind while the wind wafts through the unlocked windows, letting the dull moonshine seep through the wild dancing curtains. As heavy grey clouds release their confetti of water. Somehow, I find calmness in the music they make. Drip Drip Drip. Slowly, I feel the urge to push off the covers and pull my cold body out of my warm bed. As I walk towards the open window his footsteps echoed in my head; I can feel them beneath me... slowly as they trudge. Goosebumps fly across my skin. I froze. Whenever he shows up, I feel belittled. His presence alone towers over me. I just want to cower away in a corner whenever I know he's there. He sings in my ear telling me that my problems aren't as great as another's.

But what if there's two people drowning in an ocean but there's someone else who's 20 feet deeper... Don't we they still need saving? Don't I still need to be saved from this sea of expectations?

He's possessive and irrational. He doesn't like me speaking or talking to anyone I'm not already comfortable with. He might have been the reason as to why I didn't speak to you that day, that morning or ever. He has more authority of my actions then I do myself. Isn't that tragically beautiful?

His stride is only getting louder in this ear-piercing silence. Every night it's like he loves knocking on the door to my brain. He keeps me up all night, just because it amuses him. And his favourite game was me. Rain continues to batter the ground like a round of bullets. .

This only meant that He was here. This only meant he was here all along. I've tried to fight back before but it always ends in dejection. I can never fight this black shadow eating away at my lost happiness. A sudden sense of déjà vu brushed over me, as the monsters of my memories danced around me, reminding me of all the times he used this authority against me. He loves holding the cord to my broken past, playing back the time when my ex told me that I was worthless and no one else would ever love me. Because of him, I still think I'm worthless and no one will ever love me. Because of him... I question my own existence.

But I have to face him one day, don't I? I don't want to feed on this emotion any longer. I just want to be me. I just want to be able to get through a day not thinking about Him. I want to be listened to; I want to get out of this dark endless pit. Simultaneously, a gust of wind allows a ray of moon light nearly blinding me. A small ray of hope appearing in my darkest time.

I feel his hot breath breathing down the nape of my neck. My back was turned away from him. But I somehow had to muster the courage to face him. No one else is dealing with my demons so it has to be me. I move my heavy eyes slowly, like it was an effort, to see whether if he was still there. I gulp, fearing of how close he may be. Fearing how powerful he was this time. He does hold the power to crumble me in the worst ways. Maybe defeating him could be the beginning of my meaning to live.

Tears prick my brown eyes as I clench my fist with all the might I can gather. Steadily, I start to turn around. My breath quickens. Pain throbbed violently in my head. My tears imitate the rain as it only gets louder. The sound deafens my ears making me clutch them in agony. My soundful weeps fill the room because as of now I'm turned towards him.

Everything stops.

I open my eyes filled with these unceasing tears, only to find him grinning showcasing pearl like teeth. He giggles like a child in a sweet shop. He laughs clutching his stomach of how humorous this is to him. My brows furrow in confusion, making him squeal more with laughter, filling the room with it. His happiness is my depression.

His howls of laughter rings in my ears. I hate it. "Stop" I whisper. But he doesn't hear me. So he continues to roar.

"Leave me alone." This time I whisper loud enough for him to hear. Abruptly his laugh dies down and he raises an eyebrow in surprise. I'm testing his anger.

The pressure of everything that built upside me was like a ticking bomb and it just needed to explode. Much like my emotions my words spill "GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!" My shouting was nothing but violence in the air. I grab my hair out of frustration as I plead.

This is all my fault. "GO AWAY." I let the voices fill the silence with burning flames of self-hate. "LEAVE ME ALONE." Now I'm getting burned. "Someone help me..." I'm getting what I deserve. Every breath I take, every scream I made in protest towards him is coming unnoticed, contained by the walls of my own head. "Please."

A numbed agony pains my entire body as it sighs of exhaustion. His long, slender fingers wrap themselves around my innocent throat, burying his nails of shade into my skin, silencing my soft screams.

He snarls pushing me up against the window that portals the end of my time. His grip was tight I've forgotten how strong he is alone. Amidst of this, I can hear the small sound of a crack running across the cold glass. Then like a knot, suddenly undone of the tension, fragments fly outwards. The darkness reached out for me; the weight of my body gave up on me as I fall back. I shut my eyes tight as a million of tiny knives fall onto my naked skin

I look down and saw a deep dark void, wrapping its arms around me like a comfort blanket. I gaze at the midnight blue sky with a small smile growing on my face. I close my eyes finally as I know this next breath might be my last. But at least I'm peaceful. At least I won't be missed.

As I fade into this nothingness, I'm captivated by the moon and its light fade. This was my escape route and He allowed me to have it.

What's his name you ask? He goes by the name Depression and I can't get away from him.