Anxiously pacing in the bathroom, waiting for the clock to strike six for my first date with Audrey; the reason why I’m so anxious about this date isn't because I lack the necessary skills for dating (actually I consider myself a level 10 pro dater) but the fact of what happens DURING a date! Which happened to every girl I’ve dated during my entire year in high school.
Some of the girls I dated ended having a broken leg, bruises, lost an eye…. ok, she didn’t exactly lost an eye, but she ended blind for the whole date that when I brought her home her dad chased me all the way downtown for that matter.
I shuddered remembering that, and shook that thought off. I took one last look at myself and admired the sharp black tuxedo I bought the other day.
“Clark Weston, you are one sexy devil” I said to myself
Then out of sheer boredom I did a few poses in the mirror which I knew those cover magazine boys would be so jealous if I happen to join modeling industry.
Man, all those beautiful ladies I could watch and ------
The door suddenly flew open which shook me out of my daydreaming; a figure stood outside the doorway and took a few steps inside while staring intently at me.
He took one good look at me before dropping his shorts to the ground and plop himself against the toilet seat and let out a whipping, head turning fart followed by the distinct “bloop” in the water.
“Do you mind?!” I shouted at him
“Oh not at all, I’ll be out in just a few minutes after I’m done doing my business. Just continue applying some make-up, maybe then the girls would stop running away at your ugly face.”
Readers, this is my obnoxious older brother, Soren Weston. The most popular person in our small community here in South Arcadia, standing an impressing height of 6’2”; he won the Mr. and Mrs. South Arcadia a few years back with his pleasing personality (or so they thought he had) and his charming smile that melted the judges right away.
“GET OUT” I demanded
“Seriously dude? I’m in the middle of making a deal with nature and you’re asking me to get out? I can’t believe how inconsiderate you are.” He said to me smugly
My anger is rising. Hmm maybe if I do a falcon kick to his temple and strike at the b---
“Relax Clark, violence is not the answer… especially if the guy’s taking a dump, let it go” my conscience soothes me.
Usually, I’d make a smart-ass comment but I certainly wasn’t in the mood to do so and I’ve got a date to attend.
Instead I grumbled and walk out of the bathroom, but before I managed to reach downstairs I heard him yell “Claaaaark! Where the hell’s the tissue?”
I small smile spread across my face; little does he know we just ran out toilet paper. “Good luck wiping your ass with something” my mind says.
“We just ran out Ren!” I shouted back
“Can you buy me?” he pleads with me.
“Hell no, I gotta scoot bro. Can’t keep my date waiting!” I said while chuckling at myself, clearly enjoying my brother’s agony.
“Come on man! Bro’s before hoes.”
“See ya later bro”
“Claaark, Nooooo don’t g---“I shut the door leaving him to his utter doom of no paper.
Aaah don’t you just love karma sometimes?
I climbed in my blood red camaro and I immediately sang along the song of First Date by Blink-182
15 minutes later I pulled on her driveway and stared at Audrey’s house.
It’s not exactly ugly nor can I say it’s pretty either, the house seems pretty bland for someone who owns the biggest casino in the entire North and South Arcadia; actually I feel impressed by how simple their life seemed like.
Knocking on their front door, I was greeted by Audrey’s mom, Mrs. Hepburn.
“Good Evening Mrs. Hepburn, I’m here to pick-up Audrey for our date” I say with my trademark smile, unlike Soren’s charming smile which seems to get him laid for more than I count, mine is a little bit more childish and innocent which kinda makes me the golden boy for mothers everywhere.
“Of course Mr. Weston, Audrey will be out in few minutes.” She smiled at me warmly
After a short chat with Mrs. Hepburn (who seemed to keep blushing at everything I say), Audrey appeared looking sexy as hell with her blue dress. Hmm I wonder what she looks like without any… No Clark, bad Clark! Must not let junior get excited.
“Hey you ready?” I smiled lightly
“Sure do” she replied
So I lead her to my car and open the side door to it, showing her that “chivalry isn’t dead”, ha! If dad could see me now, the old man would be proud.
Just as I was about to close the door, something crashed nearby and it caught me by surprise. Making me slam the door so hard I heard a “thud” and a big crack on the mirror, my mouth went wide open for concern for her.
“OH MY GOD! Baby, are you all right? Don’t worry sweetie, you’ll be ok!” I held her close as I tried soothing her pain. I closed my eyes because I couldn’t bear imagining how much it costs to fix her banged-up window (hey, I got my priorities)
When I opened the door to inspect the damage, I immediately received a burning sensation in my cheek and a lady whose fore head seems to be bleeding so badly… wait, oh… crap, I forgot about her.
“Oh.. hey.. Um Audrey” I stammer while I silently curse at myself for having a short memory span.
“YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE, CLARK WESTON!” she shrieked at the top of her lungs and continued to yell inappropriate words at me while marching straight back to her home and slamming the front door shut.
There goes my first and last date with her.
An hour later I came back home seeing my brother drinking some beer and watching TV, I walked silently to avoid having a conversation with him so I tried tip toeing…
“How was the date lil’ bro?” he asks without even bothering to look away from the TV screen.
“Crap” I said silently, “Where’d you get some toilet paper?” I tried changing the subject.
He shrugged, “I wiped it using my hands… no biggie, desperate times calls for desperate measure”
“You’re a disgusting pig, you know that right?” I said, disgusted at my own brother
“Yeah and you’re gay, anyways, I’m asking you again… How’d it go?” he said softly
“Terrible as always” I sighed and walked up to my room and laid in bed without even bothering to change, staring at the ceiling.
Oh… I forgot to mention that the ladies who had been on accidents? They all started with A’s too.
I guess the Curse of the A’s hasn’t left me yet.
And I slowly drift off to sleep, wishing everything that had happen had been one big nightmare.
