Limbo?

The meaning.

First things first, this ain't some glorified cry for help or a need or want for people to come at my every beck and call. This is just something that's been in my mind and want to express in some way, okay? got it? good, lets continue.

I'm describing this feeling as limbo as I see it as a mix of that and purgatory, where I'm neither angry or sad, at least not consistently anyway; sometimes I'm perfectly fine and living life as normal as a weirdo like me can live it but then sometimes such as now when I'm writing this I have nothing to do but reminisce on all the things my past brought to the table and the more I think about the more I realise how fucked up it was and hell, still is to this very day; however it goes without saying that some of the pain I've brought on myself I'll admit that much, but the other times they were just unexpected or just went a little to far with the payback. I won't go into detail about every single experience I've went through because lets face it that doesn't sound like a good time does it, instead I'll just say that my track record with women, mainly in the relationship department is less than desirable, the main pattern of these bad boys was that they started out well enough and then a few months in they all come crashing down, my record is seven months, twice which is kinda impressive don't you agree?

Anyway, another fun trick about this limbo thing I got going on is how painfully easy it is to hide, the term mask is used a lot in these situations and this is most certainly one of them no doubt about it but it's just like any old time I've had to dawn the smiling mask of pure lie and deceit but the kicker to this time around is that sometimes I don't need the mask, I feel fine but some small insignificant thing later and I'm right back down the rabbit hole of hell, and I'm there for a pretty long while depending on how many memories come back and how long they stay; these things range from bad things from the past, things I regret or wish I could've done differently or just shitty stuff in general, past, present or future.

One final thing this little pain in my ass has got going for itself is how it always comes back, whether it's something I see or hear it crawls it's way back in and I sure as hell don't help myself but then again, it brings me back to the point of this limbo I feel, most of the time I just sit there and think about things or maybe I just relax somewhere with music and try not to think, but I'm not angry, I'm not sad nor am I happy; this is why I call it limbo/purgatory, because it's not good by any means yet sometimes it's not entirely bad, it's just kinda, there.