It was very hard to argue with myself early in the morning. Part of me was sure last night was a dream. I opened my window to glimpse the beauty of dawn slowly fading to give way for the uprising sunlight.
I didn’t want to be too early at work, but i couldn’t stay in the house anymore. It was impossible, being in this house, not to realize that I was hurting. It always made me uncomfortable and it’s choking.
I cleaned up the broken glasses on the floor. Yes, last night was a dream. A dream of being inside an empty airless room. A room of lies and betrayal. A room of heartaches and deaths.
As i picked up its broken pieces, I unknowingly cut my flesh. A burning pain in my pointing finger was debating with my flying thoughts. The pain from the wound surprisingly catched my attention but not enough to drive me away from the thought that last night was a dream.
As the blood slowly runs out from my wound, i felt like drowning in the ocean full of monster in the middle of blood moon. My heart was slowly running out of life. Sooner or later nobody will hear even a single beat. Even me. My heart bled so bad just like how my wound stings with pain.
Part of me was struggling to run away from reality and just embrace the lies carefully wrapped and hidden in every truths. Part of me wants to shout that last night was a dream. A dream that will stop haunting me when i opened my eyes, but, another part of me was whispering that it’s not.
Seven years ago today, you saved me from drowning in a river of despair and bitterness. You showed me how to smile and appreciate beauty beyond imperfections. You lifted me up from crawling in the ashes of agony. For the first time in my life, seven years ago today, i felt my existence because of you.
The sunlight was proudly kissing every creatures in the Earth when i finished cleaning the floor—erasing every memories left by last night that i thought and continually thinking was a dream.
Seven years ago today, I knew: one tiny gesture, one remark and I might tip over the edge and fell for you. I like you too much to risk that—I would regret a confession of that sort so—I was forced to held my heart very tight.
For the first twenty five years of my life, I’ve learnt to act and wear different mask in front of different people. I sometimes caught you grinning everytime I played along to show me that you know me well. You said nothing, to me or to anyone else—I admired that. I’ve kept so many secrets to myself for so long, and I’ve learnt—unshakeable discretion is the rarest of gifts.
I remembered hearing your endless confessions three years ago today of how much you cared for me. Your word shocked me. Every tone of your voice made me uneasy—my world stops rotating.
I kept my face turned away from you, resting my gaze on your shoulders—thinking what would be the best way to escape the awkwardness. I’d never heard you speak with that degree of emotion.
I may have made a sound of protest but you started to move towards me. And then, the astonishing thing happened. You kissed me on the cheek like an accomplice, and then on the lips like a lover. Blood rushed up into my cheeks. It was a deep shocking kiss that we both shuddered.
I felt the blood rushed up to my head. I felt dizzy and murderous. Not possible, I said to myself; not possible. I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn’t lose consciousness and responded to your kiss.
Two years ago today, I fell deeply inlove with you and denied it in your face. A year ago today, there was never an us but we acted as friends and we treat each other more special than that.
Nine months ago today, I was very busy with my work striving to get a promotion. We’ve communicated quite often.
Eight months ago today, you’ve told me to meet you but I failed to come for I was under medication of my Asthmatic Bronchitis. I felt better now. I felt strong but after last night, today I’m dying.
Six monts ago today, I’ve realized I missed you so bad and I regretted one hundred times how much I’ve denied my feelings toward you.
Yesterday, I’ve made a decision. A decision to reveal how much I dreamt of ending up in your arms for the rest of my life. Of how much I dreamt of me and you watching the sun sets with our hands filling the gaps between our fingers. Contented and happy caressing each other’s white hairs.
I love you so much. It has always been you. I always wanted you to be my ending for you are my beginning.
But........
Last night, just last night.
You called me and said you’re getting married. You were so happy. I’ve never heard you speak with that degree of emotion. You said you’re so inlove and you finally got it right.
I wonder. I was just wondering if you know how much pain is killing me today. I wonder how to tell you... to tell you to take me..
by all means..
take me instead..
let it be me instead..
please..
take me back to those years ago when i have your heart....
