JOURNEY || JinKook ☑️

THIRTY THREE - APOLOGIES

How can he hurt me like that? I sometimes think that men are the same. They are dick heads who love playing with people's feelings.

I told myself that I never drink alcohol again. But tonight is different. I want to forget the pain even if it's only temporary. I am stupid when it comes to love. I always fail to recognize if the man is giving me real love or just fooling around. Maybe because love is my weakness? Or perhaps, I am desperately looking for someone to love me that I often take a small gesture as a form of love?

Just this afternoon, I told Jimin that I like his brother-in-law. I even praised him being a loving father and being domesticated. I wasn't able to fall asleep last night thinking about the kiss. And today, he did something that woke me up. And it's painful.

I take another shot of soju. I look at my side as my cellphone keeps on vibrating. Jimin has been trying to reach out and I'm guessing that Jungkook contacted him and told him lies. Lies. Why do we need to live in lies?

I draw my breath and release it before I answer the call. Jimin will not stop. I'm sure he's worried too. "Hey." I tried to appear that I am not yet tipsy. I'm glad Yoongi is out and about, I'm all alone in our apartment.

Jimin curses as soon as he heard me spoke. "How many calls did you intentionally ignore?"

"Can I have some moment on my own, Jimin?" I answered him with another question. He's asking me as if I am obliged to answer all the calls and I have no right to be on my own.

I heard his sigh from the other line. Perhaps, he realized that I am annoyed. "Okay, sorry. I'm just worried. Where are you?"

"Somewhere out and I won't tell you." I'm sure that Jungkook asked him to ask me and I have no plans of telling him that I'm just inside my apartment. "Listen, Jimin. I know Jungkook asked you to call me and please tell him that I'm not angry whatsoever. Tell him to just go away from me. Leave me alone. I don't want to see him. Can you tell him that?"

I heard another deep sigh from the other line. Jimin knew me well. He knows when I'm annoyed, when I'm angry and when I'm furious and wanted to kill. "Jin, can you please listen to me as well?"

"I'm listening."

"Look, I know you're disappointed. Jungkook has been paying women or men because he has needs too. Seven years, it's impossible not to have a little, you know. Anyway, I know it's wrong--"

"I'm glad you know he's wrong."

He sighs again, "--but Taehyung already scolded him for bringing that woman in his home. I guarantee you that he never does that. That was the first time. It's always in a hotel. I don't know what came in his mind and he did that."

"And what did he promise you for you to say that to me?"

"Nothing. It's because I know him well." Jimin is so quick to answer. I don't know if I should believe him.

"Please stop. I don't care what his reasons were. I do not care who he fucks or how many he fucks a day or where he fucks them but I hope he did not do that when he knew that Soobin was there. And stop defending him when you knew that he's wrong." I started to raise my voice and I cannot help it especially when I'm angry.

"I'm not defending him. I am disappointed too. But I hope you will at least listen to him and-"

Call me rude but I dropped the call. I turned my phone off so Jimin's call will not get through. I don't want to talk to Jungkook and I hope I made it clear by dropping the call.

The phone went quiet but the doorbell went ringing. I smiled, I'll have someone to accompany me to drink the night away. I'm glad Yoongi came home early.

The doorbell rings once more. Yoongi is always like that. He doesn't have lots of patience. So I run to open the door.

"Yoong--"

I squeal when Jungkook lifts me up and pins me against the wall. He presses his lips against mine. Hard. So hard my breath got trapped in my chest. His kisses are rough, rough and hard. He keeps on sucking my lips, upper and lower. I thought it's going to burst open.

I tried to punch his chest but my hand was trapped between our body. He erased the distance between us. My feet on a tiptoe. My eyes wide opened as I stared at his face. His eyes closed as if he's feeling the sensation as it intensifies.

The next thing I feel is his fingers unbuttoning my top, his fingers fumbling, leaving gaps as if his hands are eager to touch my skin. His fingers stroking the curves of my body.

I tried to push him but he pushed me back to the wall. His lips still exploring my lips, his teeth dragging my lower lip causing me to gasp and entirely lose my breath.

I cried. My cries muffled by his lips. And that's when he decided to break away from that intense and deep kiss, our chest both heaves as we both catch our breath.

I thought my lips are bleeding. It is so numb like it double its size. We are both panting, I have no more strength to push him away. I want this moment to pass quickly. I don't know what to feel.

I heard him sobbing too. I just realized that our foreheads are pressed against each other.

"Leave me alone." My voice came out thick, emotionally choked. I said that but my body is doing nothing to make him feel that I want him out.

"Jin." He whispered. "Please listen to me."

"What lies are you going to say?"

"I know there's no excuse for what I did. I'm wrong. What I did was wrong, insensitive, disgusting and shameless. I'm sorry. I know sorry is not enough but I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I did not just fucked up as a father because I also fucked up as a person. I am completely fucked up. My whole being is fucked up and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I drowned myself in grief that I don't know how to be sensitive and reasonable. I failed to recognize that I like you because I thought that feeling is only for Ken. I can't accept that fact because I am afraid. I am afraid to fall in love and get hurt. I am afraid to be left behind again.

I'm sorry about what you saw. I'm sorry if I need to do that. I'm sorry if I'm a man. I'm sorry if I have my needs too. But nothing happened between us. That pack of condoms is unused. I thought having someone in bed will make me realize that I don't like you. But my mind was all about you that I have to send her home and paid her for nothing.

Jin, I'm sorry if I'm a coward. I'm sorry if I failed you. But please, believe me, I did not play with your feelings. I kissed you because I like you. I'm sorry. Please, forgive me. I'm really really sorry."