Sides of Me

Secret Me

     People see me as this cool, confident person that wears leather jackets, gets good grades, has a job, and is always falling head over heels for girls and being the de facto "guy" in the relationship...

     That's good and all but... I don't talk a lot cause when I was younger people always saw that as me using my emotions to get attention or as me wanting something. So... over time I stopped mentioning things I wanted... I stopped mentioning my birthday. I just wouldn't tell people. I wouldn't tell people what I wanted. I became... well... a guy. I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't ask for help. I wouldn't talk about my emotions. I would not ask for anything. Holidays became nothing to me. I would do anything and everything for anyone and everyone else but nothing for myself. Who needs make-up and jewelry. I'm a guy, I don't need that stuff. It wouldn't look good on me anyways...

But... I'm starting to realize... I'm a girl...

I WANT to look nice.

I WANT to be complimented.

I WANT people to notice me and praise me.

I WANT people to be proud of me.

I WANT to be... to be asked out...

I want someone to go to the lengths to ask me out in a silly romantic way for a school dance...

     But I guess that isn't going to happen. Especially now that the last dance for the school year is probably going to be cancelled... not like anyone was going to ask me in the first place...

     I... want to learn how to do make-up even if I won't wear it often... I want to be hugged and teased and wanted. I want someone to kiss me out of nowhere. I want someone to know that I am incredibly shy. I want people to ask me questions and bug me nonstop for answers even if I am embarrassed. I want people to see me as something other than the big, burly, confident person I can be. I am also a girl. I am also incredibly shy, body-conscious, insecure, and more. Inside me is a tom boy that never learned how to be a girl but wants the experience... wants someone to ask them out on a date even if it is in a weird, cheesy, romantic way; heck who am I kidding ESPECIALLY if it is in a weird, cheesy, romantic way. She wants to learn how to do make-up. She wants to silently cuddle with someone hugging her. She wants to be shy. She wants to be quiet sometimes and just listen to someone talk. She wants someone to make a big deal of her birthday without her having to ask... or heck... even a birthday cake and some friends would be nice... or just... something... she wants cuddles by the fire for Christmas... a Thanksgiving dinner with her family... quality family time period...

     She wants to feel like someone cares about her enough to do this stuff... cause she doesn't know for sure if anyone does... she knows she has friends... AMAZING friends... awesome friends... great friends... but she also has a family that she feels doesn't care... words are great but the phrase goes, "actions speak louder than words" not, "words are enough"

     She wants the same thing she sees her friends doing... their parents throwing them parties, having traditions, friends spoiling them for their birthdays, being asked out, being silly together, and more. Not to say she isn't content with what she has, but is it so wrong to miss those things she never got to experience. Is it so wrong with having this anxious, undying feeling of missing out... that something is missing... is it so wrong to... to want to be a girl for once instead of this person that had to grow up too fast.