The hurt have the wisest advice, and brightest smile.

If Only

Laugh. Smile. Give advice. Go to the back. Cry. Don't let anyone see you. Don't ruin your reputation. Suddenly, she was 'her' again. She went out with her friends and put on a happy act, she acted goofy and smiled. When one of her friends were upset, they ran to her. Not knowing her struggles. If only her mask didn't exist. She wouldn't begin to crack. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

"Are you okay?" One of her friends asked. Looking at her. Liar. Liar. Liar. Why bother.

"I'm fine!" She said happily, her painfully fake cheeky smile returned. When was the last time she had genuinely smiled of happiness? She didn't know. She had become a great actress.

Soon, the school day ended. She returned home, still acting goofy until it was time for bed. Once she assured everyone was asleep, she silently wept. She put in her earbuds and listened to BTS for hours on end. Her one release, music. BTS had helped her through a lot. When she thought she had nothing left, she found solace in their music.

What was making this damsel so distraught, you may ask? Depression. Yes, she was only 12, but that didn't make her feelings any less real. She couldn't love herself, she tried but all she saw were flaws. All her friends were shallow. She had tried opening up to her friends, but that left her being called selfish, while they rant to her more about their problems, refusing to acknowledge hers. So she smiled. She faked and gave more advice.

What about her parents? She opened up to them as well, they believed her. For a while. After about 3 months of therapy and her not fully recovering, they claimed she was doing it for attention. So, she stopped. She was back to her fake goofball persona.

Then, she discovered writing songs. She loved it. But, her friends didn't.

"What's this" One of her friends asks with a scoff.

"A song I wrote! I really like it" She had said, with a hint of actual happiness for a moment. It was a song about mental health.

"Its trash." They ripped it in front of her eyes. She just smiled.

"Oh. Okay." She said, mildly dull tone of voice. At that moment she had enough. After school she fled off of school grounds, blocking every call she got. She was about to throw herself into traffic when she heard her text tone. J-hope screaming "LOVE YOURSELF!" She broke down. Tears everywhere, that's when the police found her. She was taken off into the hospital. She wept, then fell asleep.

She was 13 now, she got a boyfriend some months ago. She experienced her first love. She hid herself. Her REAL self. She was afraid. That if he saw the real her he would be scared away. But, he soon realized, she was rarely ever truly sincere with him. But not as of she was cheating, as if she wants truly happy when she said she was. That scared him away. During this time, she listened to 'The Truth Untold' on repeat. The lyrics so painfully relatable to her first heartbreak.

She was back in therapy per court order. She lied. She said she was fine. She said she wasn't depressed anymore. Thinking if she lied about it long enough it would go away. Spoiler alert, it didn't. She lay in bed listening to 'Zero O' Clock', mumbling the lyrics so close to her heart. She loved that song. It reminded her that even if she was down and out for the count today, tomorrow was a new day.

On days where she felt she would never be pretty, or times where she wouldn't eat for days to shed a few pounds. When she felt as if she would never live up to society's standards set for her, she would listen to Ephiphany by Jin, or Lie by Jimin. They helped her realize that she should love herself, and she was the one she needed to care for. The quote "Nobody is born ugly, we just live in a judgemental society," by Kim Namjoon stuck with her. She still had days where she felt hideous, but when she listened to those songs or read that quote, the lifted her spirits at least the tiniest bit.

She found a real friend. They helped her. Still depressed, but now she wasn't alone. Or so she thought. It was a dream. Dreams like this kept her from sleeping, depression-induced insomnia. She listened to 'Winter Bear' that night. She slept in minutes. A record for her.

When many of her family members caught Corona, she listened to Butterfly. The song about losing someone you care for. Honestly, it helped her realize that she wasn't alone in her situation to find someone to talk to when she usually would've just cried. 

She loved BTS. She felt like she had a safe place to turn. Something that would have her back when nobody else would. They made her feel worthy to live, and that she had the strength to go on. Lyrics she could relate to. Or, ones that motivated her to do better. They're the reason she is currently pursuing her dream of music.   Once she was asked, "If you had one sentence you could tell BTS, what would it be". She answered with no hesitation.

"Thank you, you've helped me through a lot, I love you."
Or in short,
"You saved me."

You might be wondering who 'she' is.... she, is me.