Choose You

My Cry for Help

It's April second in the year 2020. I am sitting on my - well I guess Alex's balcony - away from the inside prison that I have called a home for months now. I'm away from my husband. I've found a small piece of freedom for me to just.. be. 

Alex will blame my period for the way I am feeling and thinking. Truth is, maybe it is partly due to the hormones. But, I believe these hormones are just breaking down the wall that I keep up to keep the emotions that I keep hidden from my husband to the point where everything that I keep from him all comes pouring out. I mean, I either have to be crying or yelling for him to hear anything I say to him anyways. 

I have considered cutting for weeks now. I have considered what my family would do if I were to kill myself. One time a while back when we first moved in, I felt this alone that I showered by myself, which is a rare occasion, and by the time I had finished, he hadn't stepped foot out of the office where his screen is plugged in. So, I decided I could use a bath. I sat there for what felt like forever and, yet again, I never saw my husband step foot out of the office and I will put money on that he didn't leave his gaming chair, either. During that time as I was lying in the water, I truly considered how hard it would be to cut my wrists and bleed out. I wondered how long it would take my absent husband to find me there, dead. I wondered if he would come out if I screamed or if he would even know. I'm that alone now.

As I sit out here, I try to wrap my mind around all the thoughts I have had these past few days. I have been watching the show Outlander. I have been throwing myself into the show to escape my current situation and the depression that threatens to take my life day after day, minute after minute. The show has two characters who meet when Claire time-travels on accident. They end up falling in love. Claire says that it's the most powerful thing she has ever felt. They have a sort of passion and connection that I just don't feel. I don't know if I have ever had that sort of connection with Alex now that I think about it. 

One night after a fight, I asked Alex if he thought our relationship has continued because of the sex. He said he had wondered the same thing the past few days, but came to the conclusion that there was more to us. I hoped to think the same thing, but these days, I can only see the intimacy in bed, nothing more. These past few days I haven't even wanted to be touched by him. I actually started bawling because I hated where I was so much. I don't want to look at him. I don't want to touch him. I don't want to hug him. I don't want to kiss him. God knows I don't want him in me, either.

What upsets me so? God... where to begin...

Like I said, he doesn't hear me. I can ask him to do something, but in his mind it means when he happens to get off his games long enough to do a task as simple as taking the trash to the dumpster. This means that I end up taking the trash to the dumpster. I end up putting his dishes in the dishwasher even though he knows I want him to put it in there right when he is done with it with the exception when the dishes are running. He knows where the dishes go. He could put up dishes and put up his dirty ones. He just wants to get back to the losers he calls friends. Yes, I call them losers. I tell it to his face. I call his friends pathetic and they pretty much are.. sorry that's rude. I tell him all of the time that he wastes his life away. He used to tell me that he wouldn't play as much and that we would do things together. I knew it wouldn't last. I tried to convince myself. I tried to make myself believe that maybe games could be beneficial somehow. But, I can't bring myself to that conclusion. I think they are pathetic. They are wasteful. They are the reason that he forgets things. He uses them as an excuse. I think losers play those games. They are what I call LMNs - loser major nobodies. I used to say MLN, but I like that it's alphabetical. I don't see much in those that do play games. I don't even like when my dad wastes hours of his day playing Madden, nevertheless the godawful games Alex plays. My dad doesn't play with people that I know of, thank you Lord. Alex's friends are on that computer. They don't talk through anything else it seems. I question if that's even really friendship. Basically, I married a complete king of the losers... 

Worst part is for me .. I blame myself for everything. If the dog has an accident in the house... it's my fault. I should have been the one watching her. I should have known... even when Alex is watching her. I blame myself because I should have known he wouldn't watch her... he wouldn't care. When I feel this alone.. it's my fault because I was the fool that believed him when he told me he would be better and change. I was the stupid child that moved to a whole nother state without knowing anyone but her pathetic husband who doesn't do shit. I am the most basic housewife. I cook. I clean. I take care of the girls. I pleasure my husband when he wants it. The only thing that's different is I have school, but it doesn't take much of my time, yet. I have no friends. I have no one, but my dogs. They are the only thing that keeps me here on this earth. God.. I'm starting to tear up. I'm not even crying over my husband. I cry over myself for being so stupid to put myself in this position that I can't get out.

It's so bad that I have hoped he would be deployed. I have hoped that maybe he will get lost in battle and I will have to start a new life. I will have to hit the restart button and begin becoming someone else and live a life I actually want. I know that's terrible.. to want something to happen to my husband.. but I do. I want him to leave. I want to leave. He's turned into what my mother and father were to me. If he wasn't paying for everything.. I wouldn't be here. I would have left. I would have divorced him and left for a new life somewhere else. It's gotten so bad I have pictured of going overseas and starting a new life that way. I don't even think I would miss anything... maybe some food. Every time I see him it breaks my heart. 

He comes out every once in a while. I'm usually watching my show. He tells me to continue playing it, but I don't want to. Outlander was supposed to be a show for both of us to watch, but he went and played his games and hung out with his friends instead, so I don't want him to have any part of it. I want it to be mine like his games are his because it sickens me to see him. I literally physically gag when I look at him on his computer with his headset on laughing with his friends. God.. more tears.. pathetic weakness of mine.. still caring. Either way, it makes me feel miserable. He gets to make this thing that I love so much partially his and gives me hope that he wants something to do with a thing that matters to me, but then minutes later he's back to his friends.. his real life.. his real love. 

I have no one. I have my dogs. I have my misery. Part of me hopes for better. Part of me hopes for him to change and for me to maybe find the person that I wanted.. the person I married... the man I saw a future with. Some will say it's just the first year or the age, but if this is how everyone feels during their first year of marriage... I think there would be more divorces than half of marriages. This is miserable. I hate myself for falling for this trick. I hate myself for giving myself to someone else when I knew I would regret it later. I knew I was stupid, but I hoped... what a stupid thing. Hope. It just ends up lowering your standards that much more everytime... until you finally give in and kill yourself because you finally realize that you have nothing to actually look forward to. 

I cry... I cry for help... I cry for myself... I cry because I just don't see what else is left to do other than ending it all. 

Stupid period, right?...