The Hidden Life of Amanda Harp

"He's crazy."

The sun is high in the sky and I can feel my tan skin burning. "Babe!" I call for Connor. He comes running. I have him the sunscreen. "Help?" I ask. He grins wildly.
He starts putting it all over me.
He even goes as far as rubbing it on the inside of my thighs, his hands closer to my core than they have ever been. His ocean blue eyes get darker every time they blink.
The only people we've ever made out in front of family wise is Mike and Colt.
"Distracted, are we?" he teases. I nod stupidly. He finishes with the sunscreen and puts it away, blows a nasty wet raspberry on my forehead and walks away laughing.
I watch him as he walks back to the water. I'm sitting on the beach with all the woman and all the males in the ocean. I'm staring after him.
"He's crazy." Mama Ava says.
"I know." I sigh, wiping his spit off of my forehead. "But he's my crazy, so it's okay."
I see him impersonating a dolphin to Mike and Colt and they're all laughing like idiots.
I sigh and lay down on my towel.
Sometimes when I'm distracted or I'm lost in my thoughts, a song idea will hit my like a boulder and every time it's happened, it ends up being our best-selling on the album and number one on iTunes.
I shut my eyes, and I let the heat lull me. I'm half asleep, thinking of Connor, when four words tap at my brain.
And then two more.
"Fuck!" I gasp, sitting up so fast that I knocked my sunglasses off of my head.. All of my family looks at me, the guys included.
"What?" Connor asks. I don't answer, I just jump up and go running to the boardwalk. I skip the stairs and go flying up to my house. I run to the kitchen and get out a notebook and a pencil. I start scribbling furiously and keep writing as I walk upstairs to my bedroom. I grab my blue guitar without watching where I'm going. I'm still writing. I walk down the stairs having my house memorized, and I head back outside. I walk down the boardwalk and plop down in my pocket on my towel.
"Oh, she had another one of those moments." Connor says. "Another hit for us!" he claps the guys on the back. The boys come over to me and start prodding me about the song. I ignore them even thought my anger is rising. When I'm writing songs they know not to mess with me because I lose my focus and forget what it was about and I get really pissed.
I finish one song nd start the other. The lyrics are flowing like magic. The guys continue to prod me.
Four more words cross my mind.
I fucking hate you.
Three hours pass and I finish the two songs. My anger is through the roof but I'm not acknowledging them.
"Mandy. Manny."
"Manny?" I snarl. "I'm busy. Fuck off."
The guys exchange looks and then they walk away.
"Someone needs a tampon." Connor says to the guys.
They laugh.
I start writing angrily. This will be my first anger song.
I go in the house two hours later when I finish writing the last song.
I work on the music for the first two and perfect them and put them in my fire box. I leave the other one to sit. I'll never let them see that, especially not Connor.
I go to the kitchen and start on dinner. It's raining outside. It rains all the time in Florida. Everyone starts coming inside.
"You need to apologize to Amanda." I hear Mama Ava say.
"No I don't." Connor scoffs.
"You were harassing her!" she scolds.
"All three of you boys were! When you called her Manny, which is a guy's name, she told you to fuck off and you proceeded to tell Michael and Colter that she needs a tampon! I would leave your ass for that!" Papa Grant says. He's Connor's Dad.
"Oh come on Dad-"
"No Connor." He says sternly. "You just got her back. Don't fuck up again. She might not be so forgiving next time."
Connor is standing in the kitchen in less than three seconds. I bet he ran.
I don't even acknowledge him. He watches me as I make chicken cutlets. I cut them angrily.
"Don't kill yourself now." He says cockily.
That's like a stab in the chest because he doesn't even know how many times I thought of doing that.
I scoff and roll my eyes. "I'm not in the mood for your sense of humor." I snap. He sighs.
"I'm sorry." He says.
"No you aren't." I roll my eyes. "You don't think you did anything wrong. You're only apologizing so I don't leave again."
"That's not true. I love you enough to apologize."
Enough to apologize?
That's such a minimal amount of love. I tighten my grip on the knife.
"Get out of my kitchen before I throw my knife at you." I hiss.
"You won't hurt me. I'm amazing."
"Get out!" I shout. He rolls his eyes and walks away.
"She's mad at me." He says to everyone.
"That's because you said you love her enough to apologize."
"So? I said that I love her." He points out.
"So? If I remember correctly, you apologized to Abby when Amanda brought her over." Papa Grant says. "You loved her enough to apologize."
Not that Papa Grant pointed that out, I'm pissed. I roll the chicken in egg and then bread crumbs and toss them on the skillet. I start cooking the potatoes and broccoli.
I'm muttering swears.
I'm finishing that fucking song.
I'll still probably never show it to him. That's evil.
I deicide to text Abby because I miss her.
Me: hi we havnt spoken n 2 months but what do I do when my bf is an ahole nd I want to lodge a kitchen knife n his throat?
Her text is immediate.
Abby: bitch! I was wondering when u were gonna txt me! I find anger sex works ;)
Me: I'm a virgin
Abby: no shit! Where r u? I wanna c u!
Me: at my place n fl
Abby: no shit! Can I come visit?
Me: idc
Abby: sweet where n fl
Me: Jacksonville
Abby: kk I need ur address so I can get a taxi
I text her the address and flip the chicken, ignoring the searing pain in my right forearm as the oil in the skillet pops and lands on my wrist. I stir the mashed potatoes and get out a big plate. Rascal barks and I fill his food bowl. I walk down the hall to my bunny's cage. Nobody has met Macy yet. She's brown with random white patches. She's so cute. I feed her and she eats. I give Rascal and Macy water they both. I finish dinner right as the clock hits five and I start setting the dining room table for everyone.
"Uh, Amanda?" Mike calls.
"What?" I snarl.
"Do you have a bunny?"
I pause. "Yeah, why?" I set the last plate down and walk into the living room. Macy is hopping around the house.
I walk over to her and scoop her up.
"Ah, what the hell?" I set her down. "Make sure she doesn't get killed or stuck." I go back to the kitchen and wash my hands and then I finish setting the table.
I put Macy back in her cage.
"Come eat." I say.
I have two long tables and each fit forty so I have eighty seats.
That's just enough for everyone.
"We need to start having holidays here." Mom frowns. "Are you staying here?"
"No, I think once my realitor will let me, I'm gonna move back to California."
"Are you moving in with us?" Connor asks.
"No." I admit.
"Why not?" Mike demands.
"I was going to, but..." I trail off. "I mean...I love you guys and all but...you are guys and I'm not and you have the sloppiest behaviors. I couldn't deal. I like living along anyways. I can walk around naked."
"Well you can do that at our house." Colter smirks.
"Not in your wettest dream." I roll my eyes.
"Want me to bash your head into that mirror?" Connor asks Colter.
"Relax. It was a joke. Grab a whiskey. Loosen your jeans. Take a midol." Colter says.
"Amanda?" Mama April asks carefully. She's Colter's Mom. "What happened to your arm?"
"Oh, I burnt it in the kitchen." I shrug.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Mom gasps. I shrug.
"I was too mad to care." I sit down at the table.
"You realize most relators want five years in mortage?" Mom asks.
"I'll just pay it all at once and start looking for beach houses. I love living right on the beach." I say. Everyone nods in agreement with me.
"So how many songs did you write?" Dad asks.
"Three." I admit. Everyone looks at me in shock. "But one of this isn't finished and I won't play it for anyone...ever."
"Why?"Connor asks.
"Because it's a hate song." I mumble.
"You wrote a hate song?" Colter asks. He laughs. "No way. About who?"
I don't answer.
"Who was it about?" Connor demands.
"Well I was mad..." I trail off.
"It's about me." He says. I sigh.
"You'll never hear it." I say. "It was really mean and...I won't ever let you hear it."
"What if I want to hear it?" he asks.
"Well tough shit." I shrug.
"Well at least tell me what it's called." He says.
"True Love." I admit.
"How is that a hate song." Colter scoffs.
"Don't judge my song by it's name." I say.
"I feel like it's kinda sarcastic." Mike says. I don't respond.
"It's not going to get heard my anyone." I say stubbornly. "Forget about it."
They give up. All of us chat about random things and when I finish dinner, I start cleaning.
Everyone done starts helping me.
"You should rest. You just made us dinner. Let us clean." Mom says. I laugh.
"No way."
"You are definitely my kid." She smiles. With everyone helping to clean, I'm done in under a half hour.
I decide to make some phone calls and get some things figured out. If we're ever going to finish this album I won't be able to live across the country.
"So when are you moving?" Connor asks.
"That's what I'm about to find out." I say. I dial my real estate agent.
He picks up on the fifth ring. "Yes, Amanda."
"I wanna move." I say.
He sighs. "I told you, you would have to pay-"
"I can pay it, I just have to go back to California."
"Why?" He asks. "You left the band."
"So? My family is there and so are my friends and boyfriend. I don't know anyone here." I say.
"You have a cell phone." He says.
"I know I have a cell phone, but I'm using it to call you and tell you I'm moving. How much money do you need?"
He starts explains how the money doesn't go to him and I listen intently.
I get bored eventually but I force myself to pay attention.
After nearly an hour long phone conversation we hang up. I leave and turn in the money and explain I'm moving and then I go home and drop down on Conor's lap.
"I thought you were mad at me." He says.
"I'm not. I was but I'm all good now."
"Will you please sing me the hate song?" He begs.
"No." I say. "It's not done."
"When you finish it?" He asks.
"Will that make you happy?" I ask.
"Very." He says.
"Then no."
I snicker at the outraged look on his face.
"I'm kidding. If I remember I'll do it." I kiss his forehead. The doorbell rings four times and then the person holds down the button and it rings nonstop. I walk over to the door and rip it open.
Abby stands there.
I look over her shoulder at the gate.
"How the fuck did you get passed the gate?" I ask. She laughs.
"Your whole world revolves around Connor. Of course the code is his birthday."
I step aside and she walks in the house.
"A puppy!" She says. She picks up Rascal. I take her to her room and help her unpack.
I go back to the living room.
"We're going to leave." Mom says.
"Okay. Why?"
"We have stuff to do. We can't stay here forever and you can't just leave. It's going to have to happen." She shrugs.
Nodding, I hug everyone goodbye. Connor holds me tightly.
"How long do you think it'll be till you can come back?" He asks.
"A couple weeks." I admit.
He frowns. "Call me every day. Get Skype." He gives me a long kiss. "I love you."
"I love you too." He kisses me multiple more times. Then stops, runs his fingers through my hair and turns to the door, and then he turns back around and kisses my forehead. I'm smiling because it's cute. We never kiss in front of people. The only times we have was at Prom and when we made up.
He turns towards the door again and then whips back around and pulls me into a hug. I hug him back. He lets go then and sighs.
"If you wanna stay-"
"I do but I can't." He huffs. "I love you."
I smile. "I love you too."
He turns towards the door again, and this time, he doesn't look back.
"Connor." I stop him. He whips around again. "Call me when you get home and call me when you land."
He nods and then walks all the way out.
I don't shut the door until everyone is gone.
"That was the cutest thing I've ever seen." Abby says. I laugh softly.
"I need to buy a new couch. Wanna come?"
"Sure." She shrugs. I look at Rascal.
"Don't destroy anything." I warn. I shut all the doors and the two of us walk out. We go to Ikea and wander around for a while.
"What if your new house is furnished?" Abby asks.
"Well then I'll throw out the shit I don't like or sell it and I'll put in my furniture that I do like."
She nods and we continue shopping.