Almost Had You

Almost

From the first moment I lied my eyes upon you, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I just knew it the moment our eyes met and you smiled. I knew right away that you were it for me. There were no reservations or second thoughts. I saw you and in an instant I  knew it  in my bones, my soul had known. I had that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, like when you're swimming and you want to put your feet down on something solid, but the water's deeper than you thought and there's nothing there. I knew I was falling for you and I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I grew up feeling clueless yet that feeling was something entirely else.

"What are you thinking about?" I was staring at you for so long that I didn't realize you were taking to me this whole time. Your eyes narrowed, those ocean eyes. I blushed turning away to staring at the glittery evening that rusted with dawn as I passed my hand from the window feeling the chilly wind leave goose bumps all over my skin.

"Nothing." I lied.
You shook your head your, eyes narrowing like they do every time you smile as you intertwined our hands over the console between us then averted your gaze back to the road. That day was the happiest day of my life, we were at your mother's birthday when you asked everyone for their attention. My heart raced in my chest like a kid at Christmas Eve. I swallowed the tension rising in my chest. You took out a beautiful ring from your pocket suits and my breath hitched. I looked up at you with teary eyes as your mother clapped. You said it was a promise ring. We were still in high school and so young and in love. But you wanted forever and I never wanted anything else.

I glanced down at our hands with my ring there, shining so beautifully. I glanced one more time at you from the corner of my eyes.

I was scared to tell you I was thinking of how much I loved you. I was scared if I told you how much I loved you that you'd run away. I never thought I was capable of loving someone that much, with everything in me...until the day I met you.

I wasn't looking for anything at all when I met you. Actually I wasn't planning on falling for anyone at all. The day my parents left me, I started to believe that love was a lie we made. A lie we wanted so hard to believe. Chose to hang on to. The only thing I believed in was 'Almost'. They almost loved me and I almost believed it. I almost learned how to forget about them. I almost moved on.
My mother was 18 when she got pregnant and my dad didn't want the responsibility so he just asked her to abort me. At least she was decent enough to refuse. She took care of me until I was 2 years old then sent me to live with my grandma. She was the mother I never had. I grew up getting used to not having anyone that loved me other than my grandma and it was enough.

But then I met you. And that was it...I guess things just happened. Meeting you was like listening for a song for the first time and knowing it would be my favorite. I think that's how the best relationships happen. You're not looking for anything and then suddenly you realize, you have something.

I plugged in my earphones, coffee in one hand as I walked through the old bookstore at the corner of my high school scanning for books. My gaze dropped to 'All the lights we cannot see' and I almost laid my hands on it just as another hand pressed over mine at the same time. I yelped almost dropping my coffee in the process as I my eyes your eyes, the deepest blue eyes. Those eyes you would melt in. Your face was sculpted like art. And I loved art. You were a leather jacket with your raven hair all over the place. I managed to pull myself out of my daze as I pulled the book towards me with a smile but I was surprised your hold didn't loose.

"Umm...my book, please?"

"It's not your book." you shrugged and I never hated boys with leather jackets more.

"Yet." I argued as I pulled it closer and you pushed in your direction. Your hold was strong that you pushed me towards you, I was five inches apart. Your eyes were challenging and I loved a challenge. I didn't let the book go. I didn't know I wouldn't let you go either. I figured I needed to act smart to get it back. I remembered the 'Fault in our stars' and how I cried when he died.