Sometimes
Sometimes I like to think about the world, myself, sometimes. But I can’t always fathom why I’m here, or what reason I’m still living. I can look back now and really regret things, and really love things I’ve done. But then again I always ask myself why I did those things, and if I had done them differently, where or who would I be today? I’ve struggled, more than I can bear sometimes. I hated it. Somehow I’m still here though, alive and breathing. But I can’t figure out my purpose, never have, and I probably never will. I think of myself as different, I want to say things and think things differently aside from others. I don’t want to be the type of person that just seems to fade away into memory when I die. I want to be remembered. Though, sometimes I lose the desire to live so easily. I’m happy, but then again I’m miserable. I’ve convinced myself at times how easier life would be if I had never lived it at all. My mistakes break me, I feel that’s all I do. I have a way with words now, I’ve figured out how to keep my feelings hidden so easily, I don’t put effort into doing so anymore. And when I do say things, I would say them and people wouldn’t believe me.
At the moment I’m curled up alone in the girl’s bathroom at school, in the dark. It’s easier to think in here, no one talking to me. Of course the occasional group of girls coming in talking gossip, distracting my thoughts, but it’s better than being forced to talk about it. I’ve always hated school in my own little way, maybe it’s the social part of it, wanting to be liked. It’s not as easy as I hoped it would be. I pulled my sleeve up an glanced down at my watch as it clicked to twelve o’ clock.
I wiped away the tears that had managed to trickle down my face. When I was young, I used to cry. A lot. I cried over every little thing, and I had issues, believe me. But the day my parents came up to me and told me “You really are a crybaby, you are, and stop your crying before I really give you something to cry about!”.
Ouch.
But after that part of my life I resorted to anger, I hit things, punching and screaming. Till I got in trouble for that, then it became so much easier to hide my feelings. And it is, because no one ever bothers to ask. I mean, it’s not like I don’t want to talk about them, but it never really helps me anyway, and I don’t know how to describe them.
I gathered my things and stand up from my dark corner, hooking my bag over my shoulder, I glanced in the mirror before I stepped out into the hall. My shoes seemed to echo as I walked back towards the lunchroom. Matching up to the pound of my heartbeat, I could only hear myself for a moment, a short moment were everything was quiet and I could steal a happy memory form the past, if any came to mind. But my thought was cut short by the pounding of footsteps rattling down the hall behind me, not one person, but two. “Annabelle!” one of them called, Erica. She had just come here this year and I smiled at her, she was incredibly skinny, and at times I envied her for not having to worry about fitting into clothes every now and then. Then, Roxy came into view; I did my best not to frown when I saw her, smiling back as Erica came to a halt in front of me. Tracking behind her Roxy skid to a stop clearly out of breathe. “Where’d you go?” A look of concern covering her faces “Lunch is over everyone’s heading back to class”. I nodded “bathroom”, she seemed odded out by my simply response. Roxy, after she finished wheezing, stood straight and pretended to stretch “That wasn’t too hard, oh hi Anna!” I made a face and we all came down with a case of the giggles. Roxy was suddenly serious “are you alright?”
“I’m fine, you, on the other hand, look like a tomato.” Her brows furrowed
“No, really?” suddenly my smile faded and I glanced at my watch again: 12:03
Sighing my face became bored, this was one of those times I couldn’t help but think that the only time people are going to care about me is if I’m crying my eyes out. If anything, this was the most I’ve talked to Roxy all week, and its Friday. But then again her and her new best friend Kelsey had been hanging out all week. I sort of regretted meeting Kelsey, she was nice, but also the reason Roxy and I never talked anymore. I plastered on the best smile I could “I’m fine. Okay? Now isn’t your next class all the way across campus, you better get or you’ll be late.”
