Pouring Some Of My Feeling

I dont know what to do

Everything I do is always wrong. I'm never right. Nothing ever goes right. Sometimes I think it has to do with who I am but then again i will never know. Mom had me at 18 so I always sit in the dark and wonder if I was just a mistake. It sure feels like it since as the oldest I'm always the one that is never noticed. I wonder if I just left one day will I even be missed?

       I dont even remember the last time I heard my mom say she loves me or that I matter. I dont think I ever heard it once. I guess that one of the parts of being the first child. You dont get a share of the love. 

After all I think I play the strong one to much. Since i always feel weak at night. Every night weaker then the next. My parents really try to make my so called home seem the happiest it can possibly but my home has been broken for so long.

    I been broken for quite a bit. Nobody ever notices cause nobody is really ever around. I know something isn't right with because I dont feel okay. I dont remember my self ever feeling happy. Not even as a child. I feel pretty dead inside.

     My sister started cutting herself and my mom took action on it real quick. Now my sister does what she wants because she can possibly feel left out or depressed.  In middle school I used to hurt myself all the time because I felt so left out. I still do hurt myself when I cant handle what's going on but my mom never noticed. She never realized.   I been so close to taking my life and shes never once realized. Could it be that I just really dont matter. Less then a year ago I nearly almost overdosed. I was not myself for weeks and not once did she mentioned it. Not once.

     I just dont seem to make then happy. I just dont seem to ever be enough. My graduation ment nothing to them. They attended cause I nagged about it not because it mattered. Me graduating honors was nothing. My moms comments felt like nothing. I just never seem to be good enough. I just dont make enough. Dont do enough. They just wont ever notice. I try so hard and I just cant ever do enough. I just am not.

     How normal is it for me to sit every night and cry myself to sleep. To wonder what I'm possibly doing wrong. How to put a smile on my face. How to make it look like I'm okay. Like nothing is never wrong.

      I just hate who I am. I hate how i look like. I hate that i cant ever make anyone happy. I hate that even when i admit I'm not okay. I feel like I'm just being dramatic, like I'm just doing to much but yet again I'm doing to little.

     If maybe just for once I could go to sleep feeling like I'm someone with a meaning. I wish I wasn't so broken.

I just hurt so much. Throwback to when i was younger, the way they treat my siblings now will never compare to what I dealt with. I remember one day my mom tied my mouth shut with a sock so I wouldnt cry after she had just beat me. When my dad threw away all my toys one day. When they would make me spend countless hours with my head in a book reading cause I wasnt good enough. Cause no matter what I was never doing good in school. All the thoughts of me running away or just dying one day because I couldn't deal with it anymore. How do I manage to still be here today.

How I feel so untalented because when i had a hobby or wanted to participate in something it wasnt something productive and was a waste of time. Yet now my siblings get to participate in anything they want. How bad is it that I wish i had a brain tumor some kind of deadly cancer so I can find an escape out of this world.
  
I can never face my demons or fears because I feel so weak. I'm just so tired of all this.

How will I ever have a child of my own if I'm scared to ruin them like I'm ruined. I dont want someone to have to take painkillers hoping they will numb the pain.