JOURNEY || JinKook ☑️

THIRTY FOUR - SHY

Jungkook

When we got hurt, we usually make an emotional shield to protect ourselves from further pain. We tend to shut ourselves from love. Not because we are numb or insensitive. But we are afraid to be left alone, to feel another deep pain or to commit the same mistake again.

Sometimes, we tend to be distrustful. We don't want to risk our emotions to a person. We tend to ignore that feeling. We thought that it's not love. We thought that we are not capable of falling in love. We thought that we already have that emotional shield that will protect us from falling in love. No love means no pain, no loss.

But sometimes, avoiding love will hurt you more. You know that you regret the chance of not taking the risk but you still keep on denying that you regret it. However, there are things that we have no control of. Things that we cannot avoid. Things that are inevitable. And one of them is pain. One of them is getting hurt. One of them is loving and losing.

But you know, I cannot blame you. It's really hard to lose someone because of death. It's different when your partner cheats or you two just fall apart. I know I can't speak on your behalf. I don't know what you've been through and what you're going through until now. But finding joy isn't over after a loss. Life still goes on. Life has so much to offer for you. Your loss must have weakened your energy or your feelings or your will to fall in love again, but life doesn't end there. Happiness doesn't end there.

I'm not saying this because I want my love to be reciprocated. But I just want you to appreciate life more. I want you to find joy and to get back your energy through loving and enjoying the presence of the people around you.

Making a mistake or using other people to safeguard you from getting hurt isn't right. Because you're probably intentionally or unintentionally hurting other people. It hurts me that you need to do something like that just to prove to yourself that you don't like me. You could have said it to me directly. But in the end, your act just hurt both of us. I don't know what to feel now. I'm sorry if I can't answer your question right away. But I do trust that you will finally realize where you really stand. I don't want a forced one. Or a maybe. Or probably. Or possibly. I want you to be really certain. Because I'm sure of what I really feel for you. And I hope you will realize what I am to you.

Jinnie

Jin did not come to my apartment the next day after our argument. I know I handled things differently. He only gave a letter to Soobin asking my son to give it to me. Soobin did not ask me why.

He said Teacher Jinnie told him that he's already doing well in school. Soobin told me that his Teacher Jinnie still brings him food every day and that Jin is still nice to him. Which I think is a good sign that Jin did not close his door for me.

Jin said everything right. It pierced through my heart. It's weird that he understood my feelings. He understood everything. And he is right for saying that it's not easy to put his belief and trust in me. Perhaps, he's thinking that I'm only using him. And I can't blame him. I've been so insensitive.

Honestly, it's embarrassing to cry in front of him. Or in front of people. I'm a man and supposed to be tough and brave. But men are human too.

I apologized to him and asked for a second chance but he did not give me a concrete answer. It's true, it's so hard to regret something. I should have taken the risk. The risk of letting him know that I like him instead of making a mistake that leads to us almost falling apart. Almost. Because I think there's still a chance.

"Aren't we going home, daddy?" Soobin asked from the backseat. I promised that I will treat him to ice cream as long as he will wait with me. It's been two hours. I can't blame him for whining.

I did not answer his question. That's the same question he's been asking for two hours now. Kids have little patience. I can't believe I know that. Jin taught me a lot of things and one of those is understanding the kids more. Especially my son.

"Are we really going to wait for Teacher Jinnie?" He asked again with a pouty lips.

"Ice cream baby. Ice cream." That's all I need to say for him to stop whining. It feels as if Jin is purposely making me wait. Or I'm just getting impatient?

At last, I saw him coming out of the school gate. Even from afar, he looks undeniably handsome. Or maybe, I just miss him? It's only been a week but it feels like I haven't seen him for ages.

"Daddy, go out now. Teacher Jinnie is coming." Soobin said excitedly, even tapping the flowers I bought.

I grabbed the bouquet of flowers and hopped out of my car. I already noticed Hoseok nudging Jin's side. Jin stopped, he looked at me but he's not smiling. He doesn't look mad either. Just civil.

"H-hey!" Lame. I never thought I will stutter in front of Jin. I've been a rude guy from the start. I always look tough and arrogant. Even cold-hearted. Perhaps, because Jin has a strong attitude. Someone who can stand for himself. Brave enough to fight for what he thinks is right.

He smiled and at my age, I felt like a teenager again. I can't believe at my age, I can still feel giddy over a handsome guy. Hoseok waved goodbye and winked at me. He knew why I'm here. Or more of, he understood.

Jin looked over my shoulders. "Is Soobin there?"

I nod.

"Is that for me?" He looked at the flowers in my arms and how stupid that I forgot to give it to him.

"Yes, of course." I gave it and Jin gladly took it. He even smells it.

"Thank you. They are pretty." He smiled thinly and looked at his watch. "So, you waited for me for two hours?"

I nod again. It seems as if all my words are trapped inside my throat.

"Soobin must be really bored," Jin said. I don't know if he meant that he wanted to go home or he wanted to go and check on Soobin.

"Well, he is." I laughed a stupid laugh. I keep on chewing the insides of my cheeks. I'm nervous and it's crazy.

We stared at each other for a while. I can sense that he wanted to laugh at how weird I looked like. I keep on rubbing my hands on the back of my pants.

"Jin.."

He raised his brows to acknowledge.

"Maybe... you want to have dinner with me? I mean us... I mean with me and Soobin?"

I just realized that it's only 5 in the afternoon.

"I mean... I know it's only 5 but maybe we can spend some time in a cafe or shop or-"

He did not wait for me to finish. Instead, he walks past me and to the car. He goes in, closes the door and wears the seatbelt. He looks at me and smiles.

Yeah. A 35-year-old can be shy around a younger guy at times.