The wind whispers |kellic|

What a waste of a perfectly good clean wrist

TRIGGER WARNING: this story contains suicide and selfharm.

Kellin's POV

The wind pushes me a little closer to the edge. It whispers little nothing's to me.
"Die"
"Jump"
"Fall"
It whistles all of these in my ears.
My eyes find their way shut and I start swaying back and forth.
I pull out my phone and plug in my headphones.
I like to drown out the world with my music. I press shuffle and the first song that comes on is disasterology by Pierce the Veil. I feel the familiar sting of tears starting to form in the back of my eyes. Before I know it the tears are streaming down my cheeks.
"Oh what a waist of a perfectly good clean wrist"
The lyrics buzz around in my head as warm tears saturate my cheeks.
I let the wind sway me as thoughts of Vic wash over me. I pull out the note he left me after he had taken his life.

Dear Kellin,

My one and only, my best friend, my love, my husband. I'm sorry it has to end like this.
I can't handle this anymore. The depression is eating me alive. Nothing helps, the pills, the therapy. I was going to do this a long time ago, but your love, your love kept me going. I was never strong, I was never ready to keep living. I lived for you. Everything I'd do, I'd do for you.
Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life, I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with you, I wanted to grow old with you, and adopt 2 little boys, but in the end it was all too much. How could I be a good husband or a father when I was so depressed? I couldn't do that to you. I'd only bring you down with me.
This is so selfish of me, but it's for the best. I want you to know none of this is your fault. You did everything you could and more. You waited for me while I was on tour, you arranged our whole wedding by yourself. You quit Sleeping with Sirens for me. You spent the majority of our relationship mending to my needs. I was selfish and I'm sorry.
I love you so much, I do, I really do.
Do you remember at our wedding when you got really horny and you made me sit on your lap to hide your boner? That was so funny. Or when I first met you? You were in the washroom backstage on my tour. You were puking your guts out after 3 nights of partying and drinking. I went and checked on you and we sat there for hours talking about stupid little nothings. I fell inlove with you that day, I fell inlove with your laugh, your smile, the way you'd crinkle your nose whenever I'd make a stupid joke, the way you're eyes lit up when you'd smile.
Ever since then I've been head over heels for you. I'm so sorry I had to do this. I just can't bare this sadness that's been eating at my soul for as long as I can remember.
I love you, and I always will. I'll be watching you from wherever I end up.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Love
Always
Vic

As the note ends I realize my tears have smudged the ink a little.
The song changes to yeah boy and doll face, and I fall into a heap of sobs.
"I love you too Vic."
My voice cracks.
"I fucking love you" I croak out before falling into my loud sobs again.

"And are the doctors dancing in
While the ambulances sing?
Another boy without a sharper knife..."
I was there.
I was in the other room when you had decided to slit open you're beautiful tan skin.
I found you, there was blood everywhere. I grabbed you and rocked you in my arms. I checked your pulse and there was nothing. Your skin had lost any colour in it. There you were, your lifeless body resting in my arms as I cradle you trying to comfort what ever was left of your soul. For a split second I swear your pulse came back and a single tear dropped from your eyes, and you mouthed the words that meant everything to me. 'I love you'
After about on hour of holding your limp body I called the police.
Your funeral is tomorrow but I don't know if I can handle it. I still haven't accepted the fact that you're gone.

A croak raises in my throat as I hear the song playing.
"Darling you'll be okay"
Your voice echoes in my head. Your face flashes before my eyes.
I gather my thoughts and calm myself down. I pick up a rose and tear the head from the stem. The red petals juices spill over my fingers as I squeeze it.
I stand up, my knees almost buckling underneath me.
I look of the edge of the building I've found myself standing on. I sigh and take in the hundreds of feet I'll have to plummet to my death.
I can't do this without him.
"Life is fragile, you can end it at any minute"
I take a few deep breaths and just sway to your voice.
"You were my soulmate, you were my everything! My soul was only ever whole with you here! Now I have nothing!" I scream at the top of my lungs.
And with that I jump, I don't fall onto the pavement, instead I fall into your arms.
It's over, it's all over.

__________________
Authors note
This story may seem as if, if you kill yourself everything will be better but suicide Is never the answer.

Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.