the moon is bright enough (LUNCH CLUB) DISCONTINUED

the fun chapter no one asked for

it's my birthday today (9th April (the same as our lord and saviour LilNasX and also tommyinnit)) so i made this chapter. It doesn't contribute to the plot at all. It's just for fun.

After this, posts will be once or twice a week.

-=-

So maybe Technoblade is going crazy.

So what if he is? It's nobody but his own business. It's his own thing, alright? At least the pigs understand. They oink at him and he oinks back. They get it. They know.

Oh, to be a pig. To be a pig in a muddy pasture, doing nothing but eat and oink all day. What a life. 

"So, I'm waiting for Charlie to wake up," Techno continues on with his story, kneeling on the ground with mud splatters on his robes. "And he gets up about fifteen minutes later, right, and asks me what happened to him. So of course I tell him that Schlatt knocked him out with a light-beam, and you know what he says? He looks me dead in the eyes and tells me, completely deadpan, 'He really knocked the lights out of me. You should brighten the mood, 'cos it got dark real quick.' I swear, I'll kill him."

Technoblade sighs and rubs his face, smearing mud across his cheeks, and a pig nudges his arm, oinking sympathetically.

"You get it, don't you?" He says as the pig shoves its entire face into the food basin. "I'm going to make a potato farm, one day, and I'll give you all the potatoes you could ever want. Wilbur called me crazy, but I'll show him." He gets to his feet so suddenly the pig gives a surprised squeal and falls backwards. "That's it! I should find Wilbur! I'll be back, little piggy, don't you worry."

He rushes out of the pen without looking back.

The pig watches the strange man leave, then returns to eating. It appreciates the company, but sometimes the human is too weird. Emotions are too sticky a thing, and for a moment the pig is glad it has no conscience, then proceeds to freak out.

Meanwhile, Technoblade sprints through the forest.

Wilbur has super senses – he's able to hear even the quietest sounds, which sucks for him when it comes to music-making because even the tiniest note out of place sends him spiralling.

Still, with this magnified hearing, Wilbur should be able to hear his footsteps. If Techno really wanted to, he could be silent enough to surpass even Wilbur's senses and it's hilarious seeing the man jump out of his skin. Huh. Now that's an idea.

For now, though, he actually wants Wilbur to hear him.

His footsteps fall heavy on the ground until a large barn comes into view. Then he slows to a stop. He surveys the area, making sure no one else is here. He doesn't have his mask, so he has to be certain he's alone before he begins his creeping around. He moves as fast as he dares, placing one foot after the other in carefully calculated spots. 

Wilbur probably assumes he'd enter through the backdoor. In most cases, this is true. Today is an exception.

He goes in from the front.

Wilbur sits at the foot of the wooden stairs, fiddling with his guitar strings. He keeps his head down, but Techno can see his eyes flicking towards the back of the barn. He looks confused.

Good.

Technoblade is about to take a step forwards when Wilbur's head shoots up. He stifles a gasp and swings himself back around, seeking cover behind the wall. Someone else must be here, but who? 

He really should've brought his mask.

He peaks back around, careful to stay out of view, as Wilbur sets down his guitar. He stands and does a quick survey around the room, thankfully glossing past Techno's hiding spot. He narrows his eyes and sits back down, though now on full alert. 

Well, whoever that was, they just made Techno's job a lot harder. What a douchebag.

He rolls his eyes, eying up Wilbur's position. He needs a way in without being spotted. If he goes in from the centre, it's much cleaner, but the wooden floorboards would creak, and he'd be easier to see. The planks along the walls would support his weight without creaking, but it has piles and piles of hay. It can't be comfortable to walk in that.

No pain, no gain.

He makes up is mind and is hyping himself up when a whisper –

"Hey, Technoblade."

He's barely able to stop himself from leaping six feet into the air.

Whirling around, prepared for a fight, Techno finds himself face-to-face with a certain blond. Any anger he previously had melts away and is replaced by a smile. Phil grins back, wide and pleased, and is about to speak again when Techno hushes him.

He gestures towards Wilbur and Phil nods. "I'll stay put," he mouthes.

Good idea. Phil can't move as quiet as Techno and they both know it. The latter peers back around the wall, where Wilbur glances in his direction with suspicion, before turning away. There's no possible way Techno can get in. Unless...

"I need a distraction," he mouthes, waving his hand towards Wilbur. He picks up a stone and shoves it into Phil's hands, then mimes running and throwing it.

Phil stares at him, bewildered. He stares at the stone for a solid minute then his eyes widen. He nods, then sprints around the barn and straight up fucking yeets the rock. It lands with an audible clatter against a broken piece of metal which has Wilbur on his feet. 

With Wilbur facing the other way, poised with his guitar as a weapon, Techno slips into the barn. He's dead silent as he creeps closer, closer, until he's right behind his victim. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Phil peaking around the doorframe. He shoots Phil a thumbs up, then he reaches over so that his mouth is right by Wilbur's ear and murmurs,

"Hi, Will-i-Am."

Wilbur screams so loudly it rattles the windows and brings his guitar down hard on Techno's head.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Wilbur gasps then picks up on laughter from just outside. "You bloody cunt!" He flings his guitar as hard as he can in Phil's direction, who guffaws, then doubles up with even louder laughter.

From on the floor, Techno begins to laugh, then grunts as his head pulses with pain. The things he does for the shits and giggles. 

Wilbur crumples to the floor, making tiny half sobs, half laughs, and rocks himself back and forth. "You guys are so mean," he whines, and through the pain Techno begins to cackle.

"I'm not Charlie for you to hit me with you guitar, Wilbur," he jokes, rubbing his head. "That really hurt, by the way. I hope you know that."

"You deserve it, you fucken– you absolute pig," Wilbur groans, head in hands. "That scared the shit out of me! Ohh, I'm never seeing you guys again." He swats at Phil when he approaches, then softens when he hands the guitar over. "I shouldn't have thrown it. It's fucked." He strokes his hand over the damaged instrument, mournful.

"I'll steal you another, no big deal," Techno says, sitting up. He fist-bumps Phil, then puts an arm around Wilbur. "You know, that could've knocked me out."

"I wish it did," Wilbur probably jokes, and gives a light punch to Techno's shoulder, who proceeds to cry out and wail in a very dramatic fashion. "Anyway, what brings you here?"

"I was going to tell you about my potato farm's humble beginnings but I got sidetracked," Techno smiles, ignoring the eye-roll he receives from the words 'potato farm'. "I've told you about Charlie already, haven't I?"

"Yeah, you sent your bloody pig over with a note. Me and Phil saw it last night."

Phil nods. "Your handwriting is awful, mate."

"Hey!" Techno furrows his eyebrows. "That was uncalled for."

"Your face is uncalled for," Wilbur replies snarkily, then shouts when Techno almost throttles him.

So maybe Technoblade is going crazy, but at least he has friends to go crazy with.