Love and All It's Done to Me

Go to church

I put you on a pedestal higher than God...
I guess that was my bad for expecting him through you, the love and devotion and the majesty of Father
when you are merely his son, my equal, flesh and blood
breath blown into lungs made from dust his feet grazed, but how could you understand
How when you don't believe or trust in hands strong enough to hold entire galaxies but delicate enough to string the stars up one by one to create nightly light shows put in place beautifully and with reason
Each tear you drew from me was captured in a bottle for safe keeping it was recorded and logged for later dates and as the weakest parts of me were shown behind closed doors my God took that bottle and created the fiercest tidal wave known to me making me stand straight
head high
as to not drown in you
For if I try to please a man or be only pleased in him I should not be a servant of Christ, I should not know happiness in things that have an expiration date
and just like spoilled milk I was tossed down down down into darkness
when you were through with me
surrounded by orange wrings and apple cores twisted together by the blades of disposed goods I am unrecognizable

In the stillness there are miracles
Brokenness and growth I prayed
I prayed and attended
Listened
Tuned my ears to voices of angels and called to the Lord for healing
For repentance
For forgiveness
To forgive
Not just from you and your retreating feet but the hands of uncle who had my wetness on his fingers by 11
The heart of father who loved but didn't care for me, couldn't
Tried but wouldn't be who I needed. Ever
The back of mother that turned to me when I needed her most, when the world she tried to shield me from showed face and mask she wore was scarier than it all
From the burn of ice on my thighs as 3rd degree meant more than questions to me

And I crumbled
Cradled my belly as heart wrenching, agonizing, lonely, broken, scared sobs filled my first apartment on my 19th birthday
I
Cried
In the arms of my sister soul mate I cried until my eyes couldn't open any longer
Until dehydration took over my body
Until my throat was raw
I cried for me as He healed... I heaved all pain from within me and I slept
I rested
And I could breathe
The pressure released from my spirit and I could breathe
I rested
Laid my head on that red church pew as hands were laid I got patched up
Stitches
scar tissue being scraped away by scriptures
Sanctified and saved in the sacred sanctuary of head, body, and soul
I am loved by more that a measly boy

I know my God
My god loves beyond any measure and more than I could ever imagine
My God tests but never tempts
My god threw me in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane and demanded me
Swim.
Told me to get back to shore knowing that the tools I needed to get to land were not physical
In my humanity I couldn't grasp that with my hands sewn together and the faith of a mustard seed I wouldn't drown
That when I opened my mouth to breathe the sodium on my lips was not engulfing me, trapping itself in my lungs but falling from my eyes
Baptized in my tears and my mother's, and her mother before her
As I sat In us... I saw him

My God.