I can feel myself losing my mind again. I haven't experienced this feeling in such a long time, it was 2017 to be precise, the Last time I felt like I was going crazy. I'm not going crazy crazy because I can still pretend to be okay: smile at my sister, laugh at my brother in laws lousy jokes and play soccer with my nephews. But I feel like I'm in a parallel universe where everything is in slow motion, something is pulling at my brain. sucking it, sucking the life out of me. after I make my enthusiastic appearance to my family and fake being OK for 5 minutes I go to my room and clutch my head, and bang it on the pillows, why is this happening to me again? I was so ok a few months ago, Albeit not where I wanted to be at 29. I was starting a new degree, I was going to gym every day, I was looking at life differently. I was not happy but I was OK. I went to the clinic today, to pick up my medication. On my way there I was wondering whether or not I was voluntarily meeting my death half way. While I was reading up about covid - 19 and hypertension risk-It mentioned that the high fatality rates associated with hypertension were maybe due to the ACE medication I was taking. Apparently ACE increases ACE2 in your lungs which the virus binds to when it infects you, thus the higher mortality numbers in older patients; many of them take these pills. Some argue that the isn't enough evidence or data to support this, so we should just continue taking our medication. What choice does one have anyway? Either you stop taking your medication and die from a stroke or heart attack or continue, catch the virus and die anyway.
While I was in the hypertension queue today I surveyed everyone there and wondered if they knew how fucked we are. I doubt though, because they seemed nonchalant. going on about their business while I could feel the first drips of sweat on my forehead. slow build up into a drowning river of anxiety.
It's so funny how someone could be having the worst day of their life and on the other hand someone else would be having just a pretty normal dull day: picking at their nose, doing groceries for their pets and shit like that, while you are on the verge of a panic attack.
Today kind of reminds of the day they told me I had polycystic ovarian syndrome and that I will probably have "difficulty" having kids. which is code for; you have a hostile uterus and should probably not try to have kids because it's going to be a long long road which will probably fuck up your already fragile mental health, which by the way is hanging on by a thread. I didn't feel much when they told me that I probably won't have kids because I was exhausted, grief and her friends; depression and anxiety had taken all my strength. The slightly over weight nurse who told me the news while the doctor read my file avoiding eye contact didn't seem to care either. She had a slightly amused look on her face and for some reason I can't seem to forget it. I remember thinking how weird it was to tell someone that they were likely not to have kids and would probably have a future filled with pain and complicated health conditions while at same time wearing an amused smug. Like, it was super weird. I of course consoled myself by concluding that she was probably infertile too, and had depression, hypertension, muscles fistulation with raging tinnitus accompanied by long hours of insomnia. she had to be in exactly in the same boat as me. Otherwise it wouldn't make sense.
Where was I? Yes.
Today reminded me of that day for some reason. After I was told the news by my amused infertile nurse I left the hospital and everything was exactly the same as before: Bleating taxi horns hailing passengers, kids coming back from school laughing at each other, people going on with mundane every day activities while I was on the edge of tears thinking about how fucked up my life was. Nothing had stopped. No one had noticed, no one ever really notices. Just like now, nobody cares, everyone is suffering silently.
