Not So Naive 1

Chapter 1

Just like everyday, I am lying in my bed, half past midnight, having the same thoughts run over and over in my head. It has become my everyday routine to think about Ethan Miller just before I fall asleep. The distance that he created between us back then still hurts me badly. It's been over a year since we did not contact one another but it feels like it just happed yesterday. The pain is unbearable and is just not ceasing. The thought of being soo distant and away from him is making me tremble and grief stricken. It is disturbing my mental equilibrium. He is like a drug. The moment his effect sways away i feel like I need more of him. Little of him just does not seem to be enough. I crave for more and more of him. I thought he felt the same way about me. The things he said to me made me feel like I was wanted. It made me feel alive. I felt like I had a purpose to live after all. But I guess I was wrong. I was just an object with whose emotions he played with. He said that we were connected but he did not mean the connection between our souls and heart, i guess he was refering to the connection between the common life events we experienced. He said that I was amazing and like non of the other girls he ever spoke to. But that again was a lie. I was just a weird freak who he was ashamed to be with and wanted to get rid of as soon as possible. For some time I believed that he thought that I was someone special. I thought that his heart would tickle just the way mine did when we spoke to each other and had those long lengthy conversations. I thought that I wasn't the only one who felt these things about him and he felt the same way about me, but no I was soo wrong. He never meant a word he said to me. Everything he said was a BIG BIG LIE. He making me fall for him he just left me hanging. I cried for hours..days..months. The pain was just unbearable. While watching romantic movies I would think of how he and me could actually be a thing like those couples in the movies. But that could never happen, it only existed in my dreams. He and I could never be a "US" in reality. For some time I thought that maybe there was a 0.001% possibility that we would become a thing....a "US" but I was wrong. How could such a thought even arise in my head. How could I be this dumb... even chickens were way smarter than me. Many a times I felt the urge to end my life but then I thought about my family, friends and all my loved ones who actually cared about me. He didn't but they certainly did. They were the ones who were there with me throughout my life, in my highs and in my lows..in my ups and in my downs. I had to live for them. First I thought i was  just obsessed with him but then I realised it was love. I knew this was not right and I had to surpass this difficult stage in life but I just didn't know how too. What could i do to kill my pain..kill my love? Maybe i could hear some songs that would motivate me to get rid of all his thoughts. How about Black Pinks "Kill This Love"? I thought of different ways to get rid of him and his thoughts but I couldn't. So here i am, all tucked up in my bed thinking about him and how we used to be. Now I know all his true colours and I know the real him that he was managing to hide soo well all that time but still even though I managed to unravel that mask he had been putting to conceal his true nature I can't get over him. It's still very hard for me to move on. He was my first love. I hate myself for being soo vulnerable. And I hate myself more for falling for a guy like him. I know I have to get rid of him and his thoughts somehow. That will do good. But how? The fact that he has done this to me, hurt my feelings...my ego...my emotions ..my heart. It just boils my blood. It just hurts soo damn bad. I don't know what will ease my pain. I just don't know. I have to try something. Something is better than nothing right? After thinking enough of him I finally fall fast asleep.