Destiny Destroyed

Part 1: Chapter 1 (1985)

MARCH 1985

I sit staring out the window at the pouring rain. I don't even realize tears are pouring down my face as fast as the rain pours down outside. My life is so messed up. Tears are common pouring down my face. Sometimes I'm aware. Other times someone will ask if I am alright. I just laugh. I am not alright. Maybe I never was. Most likely I never will be. I've accepted this. My family has not. I know that peace awaits me. I've seen it. I just haven't been able to reach it.

SEPTEMBER 1985

I wake to the alarm blaring in my ear. I roll over and whack the shit out of it. I get some satisfaction as it crashes to the floor. "What the heck Destiny," my keeper, also known as my thirteen year old sister says as she sits up in bed. I roll over and ignore her. I must have fallen back to sleep. Next thing I know is Faith is trying to wake me. "Meds and Shower," she says dripping her long golden blond hair all over me. "I'm not showering today," I tell her. She throws her hands on her hips and gives me the look.

I give her a nasty stare. "Shower or back to Meadow Crest," she tells me. I keep the nasty stare on my face, groan and climb out of bed. I make my way to the bathroom. Faith follows me with a bottle of water and my medicine. She watches and checks to be sure I swallow them before leaving me to shower. I wash my hair first and then the rest of me. I try to ignore the ugly scars on my wrist. When I look at them too long, my mind wonders to how I can finish the job. I glance around the shower and see there is no razor. A girl could only hope one day Faith would forget. I leave my under arms and legs unshaven. I'm used to it. I rinse and dry off.

I've been home two weeks. Two weeks of watchful eyes and babysitters. No items left that I can harm myself. I stand in front of the spot where a steamed-up mirror would be if it weren't for my hobby of hurting myself. I pretend to wipe away the steam from a mirror that doesn't exist. I stare at the wall picturing a sad, pathetic girl. Why couldn't I have just finished the job. I didn't want to be here anymore. My time here was over. I certainly did not want to go back to school. I managed to finish eleventh grade while I was at Meadow Crest. If I had tried harder, I could have finished twelfth also. Now I was stuck going back to high school. Maybe I'd get hit by a school bus. I couldn't help but grin at the thought.

A knock at the door brings me back to the present. I open the door and look at Faith, her hair dripping down on the blouse she is wearing. Her life sucks more than mine. Not a hair dryer in the house. No scissors in the house. No matches or lighters. No string or rope. Even the robes are without ties. No more lace shoes allowed in the house. No more eating meat if you need a knife to cut it. She even had to share a room with me and play nurse. I really made my parent's house a lot of fun. I wish I could feel a little guilty, but I can't. I can't seem to feel anything. I guess that is a big part of my problem.

I brush out my long dirty blond hair. I don't even feel the water as it drips down my back. I have on a black AC/DC t-shirt. I'm not sure why I have the shirt or where it came from, but I'm drawn to it. My hands caress the material of the shirt and a memory invades my mind. "Feel Destiny," he whispers to me as he takes my hand and places it on his heart. I can feel his heart beating fast under his shirt. "You do this to me. Only you."

"Mom wants us downstairs," Faith says pulling me out of myself. I blink and wipe at the tear that has fallen from my left eye. Where did it come from, I wonder? I look up to see Faith watching me with concern. I pull out a pair of denim jeans and slip into them. I secure a ponytail holder around my hair and head to the door. "Wait," Faith says. I stand and wait while she runs back to her dresser. She hurries back over and applies some blush to my cheeks. Then she hands me her lips gloss. I look at it and hand it back to her as I shake my head no. Defeated, she tosses it into her small bag.