Destiny Destroyed

Chapter 5 (1985)

The next morning, I decide to wear a faded blue skirt. I couldn't remember the last time I bothered with what I wore. The skirt is a bit lose now. It still looks good though. I find a short sleeve white blouse and black ballet flats to go with the outfit. I ask Faith how it looks since we don't have any mirrors. "You look beautiful Destiny. Do you want me to do your hair and makeup," she asks clearly excited about the turn of events. I tell her yes. "Keep it simple though," I say as she goes to work on me. Faith pulls my hair up into a loose high ponytail. Then she pulls a few strands out and curls them with her fingers. No curling irons in this house anymore.

I tried not to roll my eyes when her and my mom gushed over me. I get that it was the first time in over two years that I cared about my appearance, but it was too much. I was even more annoyed once I got to school and Ryan saw me. I had to listen to him ramble on about this being progress and all. I was glad he didn't mention Eric or bother to pry into why I took more care in my appearance today. For the first time since I started school I couldn't wait for lunch. I tolerated the teasing easier than usual. I just ignored it. I was in a good mood for once and I liked the way it felt. Ryan waited as I slipped into the bathroom before lunch.

I stared into the mirror at the girl looking back at me. I looked normal for once. I don't look like a crazy person. I took out the lip gloss Faith gave me that morning and quickly applied some. It gave my lips a slight pink tint. I stared at my lips. "You taste like strawberries," the voice in my head says. I blink. "That's my new favorite fruit. I can't even look at a strawberry or smell the scent of strawberry without thinking of you." I blink again. I close my eyes and try to picture Seth as he says those words to me. I don't understand why I can't remember, yet these images and voices just come out of nowhere.

"Destiny you alright in there," comes Ryan's concerned voice. "I'm fine. I just need another minute," I say closing my eyes. I try to remember something more about what I just heard, but there's nothing. "You need to come out now or I'm coming in," Ryan says as he opens the door and steps inside. "Are you alright," he asks me. "I'm fine. I get these brief memories at times." He comes closer. I know it's not appropriate for him to be in here with me alone. I wonder why he doesn't think of that. "What kind of memories," he asks. I shrug. "I can't make sense of them. I think it's just normal stuff that Seth said to me. It's nothing earth shattering. Just words and pieces of a sentence."

"Can you tell me what he says to you in these memories." I sigh. "What does it matter Ryan. He's dead. I don't understand what it is I'm suppressing. What happened that was so bad we decided to end our lives. I don't get it. I was not that person. I wasn't someone who wanted to die. How did I become that person? I glance down at my wrists and shake my head. "Why would I do this," I ask holding out my wrists to see the ugly scars. "Did I love Ryan that much. So much that I can't live without him. I just don't think I did," I say wiping away a tear that has managed to escape.

"Let's go get some lunch," Ryan says reaching out to take my hand. I follow him out of the bathroom. My good mood is gone. Ryan drops my hand as we exit the bathroom. I miss the contact immediately. It's not like I really like Ryan. He's become more like a friend. Since I don't have any, he just kind of ranks up there as one. Don't get me wrong, he's very good looking and if he was interested, I probably wouldn't turn him down once I graduated. I just missed having someone hold my hand or touch me. I know I sound so needy and pathetic. I mentally slap my face a few times as I grab a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch.

I follow Ryan back to our normal lunch table and am shocked to see Eric sitting there. It's apparent he was waiting for us. Waiting for me I imagine. Or at least I hope it's me and not Ryan. I sit down in my usual seat which happens to be next to Eric. I look over to see Ryan holding back a smile. I turn to Eric and say "Hi." He is already smiling at me. "Hi yourself," he says. It's obvious he's flirting with me. "You look pretty today," he tells me. I can feel myself blush. "Thanks," I say before turning my attention to the grilled cheese sitting on my plate. I take a bite. The sandwich tastes good to me for a change. I can feel my mood improving.