HI, it's been a long time since I attempted writing anything, much less my favorite characters.. please don't slaughter me.. I just finished my reread and I can't sleep so here we are.. very loosely based off of this song by MUNA, one of my favorite bands ever. I say loosely because i'm sorta a shit writer and can never seem to capture that deep emotion that Katie (the lead singer and writer of most the songs) can and I will never be able to write these characters in the heart-wrecking and beautiful way Kelsey chooseitwisely does (THANK YOU FOR WRITING MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS)!! Apologies for my writing and lots of grammar issues and run on sentences and too many commas and not doing this characters justice.
-Cause the world could be burning and all I'd be thinking is "How are you doing, baby?"-
Walking the streets of New York was always a different experience. The city Keely had learned to call home was so similar in some aspects but there was also always something new to be discovered. A new tiny record shop to lose herself in, a new coffee shop, multitudes of new people to watch passing on the street. Despite the new experiences it always managed to carry a familiar feeling with it that made it home. Sometimes she thinks that is why she has never felt the urge to leave; that and the endless touring keeping her away. She was sentimental to this city in a way she had never felt about her hometown, the memories she had tied to it made for interesting reflections and if there was one thing New York was especially perfect for, it was long walks lost in thoughts.
She had never been so conflicted in her entire life. Keely knew that she had been the one to suggest to Seth that they attempt to be friends again but it was so fucking hard when they had never been just friends in the first place. Their relationship had jumped so quickly from hatred to love and back into a confusing mix of the two. How was it possible to brush that aside and start anew? He was always there haunting her thoughts in the back of her mind. Every action she took, every decision she made had his influence written all over it. Whether that stemmed from how closely their minds were intertwined for so long, thoughts melding together into one and knowing what the other's next words were going to be long before they exited their mouths, or from how she had idolized him for so long, she didn't know. Either way, he was always there even when she wished he wasn't.
There'd been so many years since the split and she still had not been able to find a way to block him out of her mind. The drinking didn't work, she still tried to use alcohol to cope but oftentimes it just made it worse. The voice was always there, husky and smooth at the same time, persistent in it's quiet background lurking. She knew it wasn't actually him, but rather the image she had built up in her mind of him to cope with the separation. Either way, it was like he had never left her brain and it was only spurred on the poignant memories that caught her at every corner she took. New York was filled with these pockets, old stomping grounds and shops that had been pushed to the back of her mind only to be dragged into the forefront as they flashed by her in the window of a taxicab. It didn't stop there though. They followed her around the world, throughout all of the countries they toured, hotels they stayed at and bars they had once frequented. He had stared back at her through the eyes of their shared friends for so long and sang to her from the radio when songs they once sung together played in her life without him.
Keely's world had never been without a Seth, but it had become painfully obvious that the Seth in her mind was not real the moment he had appeared behind her in the studio. The Seth in her mind had been put there to cope with not being able to share her life with him. Things she would once have normally shared with him, simple everyday experiences and thoughts were projected onto the image of him in her mind. The real Seth, the physical flesh and blood Seth, was someone that she did not know one hundred percent anymore. The years spent apart had changed them both. She had shut as much out as she could, willing feelings to go away, blocking everything out and learning how to cope in a world without him by her side. It fucking hurt. Him entering back into that world shattered her reality.
It had taken so much out of her to break down those walls and admit to not only herself, but to Nick too, that she still loved him and always would love a part of him. But she thought she could do this. The only problem was that every day he was here those walls kept falling. Each day she thought she had reached her breaking point until it would all crash around her again. Blocking him out didn't work. Especially since she realized that even though this physical Seth was separate from the entity she had created, he was still the same, still her Seth. He was a complete enigma that she would never completely understand and she wanted to, god she wanted to. She wanted to know every thought that floated through his brain and be able to communicate what was happening in hers with a single glance again. She wanted to know if she consumed his mind in the same way she did his. Did he think of her without meaning to? Hear her voice in his head? Did he regret the way things had played out and would he go back and relive it all again no matter the pain it had caused?
Staring shocked at the ground Keely came to a realization. She'd thought that maybe this would work, maybe they could be friends. She did love Nick and she did believe that he was good for her like everyone kept telling her, but it wasn't the same. It could never be the same. It wasn't the all consuming love that had been burning Keely up from the inside out since she was eighteen. It could never be the same and she knew that it was partially, okay, mostly her fault because she had never let go; but how could she let go? Everything was about him to her and she was stupid to try and think otherwise and force them apart. The world could be burning and completely falling apart and he would still be the only thing on her mind. She was stupid not to realize it and part of her knew it had always been true and she had pushed him away in some stupid hope at self preservation. Nick didn't deserve to be treated this way, he deserved someone to feel the way that Keely felt about Seth, the way Keely would always feel about Seth. He was the all consuming wildfire in her heart soul and mind that she would never get enough of. She would never be satisfied living a life without him.
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okay I know this is endlessly cheesy I just really can't help myself. I don't even know if this makes sense cause I just write it in an hour and didn't read through it and blughhhh. if anything I hope you enjoyed the song if you stumbled across this.. I am now too tired and need to sleep.. we will see if I decide to take this down tomorrow or not.. hope you're all staying safe.
