*my love from the star ost*
The person who calls out to you is me
My tears that fall without tact are love
"Is there a day beyond this night?" She hugged her pillow tighter, letting her tears stream down like a raging river. It was one of those cold nights again. The world was quiet and empty, and yet she feels suffocated as the voices in her head began to whisper all the thoughts she has been trying to ignore for the longest time.
How many more tears like today's are left?
I don't know love or farewells, will you tell me?
Raindrops keep turning into tears, blocking my vision
Where are the tears like today's going?
As the skies above cried with her, she realized just then than a broken heart can break into even smaller and sharper shards like smashed fine china resting on the hardwood floor. It would not stop breaking just as her tears kept falling. She felt a pang of pain in her chest, wincing at every breath she tries to inhale into her system. "What is this for? When will this end?" She shouted at her cream-painted ceiling in desperation, demanding for answers that may finally bring peace into her soul.
Love without tears is not love
All this time she tried convincing herself that love entails pain and that being in love meant falling into the cliff of the unknown. Love coexisted with grief and this grief has a gravitational force that pulls love down at times. She knew that even when she tried chasing love into the wilderness, she cannot make it stay if it is not destined to. All she can do is wave to it through a hazy window and wish for it to return if it must.
Now I know that farewells are love as well
When she got up, she decided to look in the mirror. She stared at herself with such disbelief. "If it was love, why are my eyes puffy and tired? If it was love, why does it hurt so much?" She assessed everything as she gazed intently at her reflection. Her skin was pale, her lips were chapped, and her eyes were red. It was true. If what she had was true love, why is she having all these sleepless nights with no one to talk to and no one to hold? "Maybe it is for the best." She combed through her dry, lifeless hair and tried to smile for the first time. She knew there is a lot of stuff she was made to believe in about love growing up. They always say that to love is to hurt, and that to be happy meant to be in pain. She knew they lied because as she looks at herself in the mirror, she loathes what she sees.
I need to leave you, I need to go without you
Why am I saying I love you even though I know this?
Her reflection says it all. To stay sometimes is not the best thing to do. She knew then she has to get up, pack her bags and never look back. All along, all she did was to save other people from drowning, not knowing that she is only pushing herself down in the process. She believes she is human too, and before she could save everyone else, she also has to save herself. "I love you so much, but I need to love myself too." She wiped the last teardrop on her cheeks and heaved a deep, weary sigh.
How much more? I don't know
Healing is a process and she knows that even when she tried to get a good sleep tonight, the pain will still linger like a bittersweet memory of lost love. She knows that time will not fly as fast as she thinks it could. She knows that it will take a lot of time, not just a day, nor a month, for her to feel free and fine. Sadness will always make its way to creep into her system no matter how much she tries to repress it. But right now, the only difference is that she finally acknowledges the emotion she is having. She finally accepts the fact that what she feels is valid. And she believes deep in her heart that soon enough she is going to be her old self again even when at the moment, soon enough feels like a lifetime away.
