Every day I spend at war with myself and that voice. That fucking voice. It won't go away. It's there all the goddamn time. Telling me you should eat, you shouldn't eat, you're fat, you're not pretty enough, you're not skinny enough, work off all that food you ate, throw up tonights dinner you don't want to gain weight. For a while, all of my life has revolved around thinking about food and calories and being a certain weight. I keep getting told that I have anorexia nervosa but I don't believe it! I don't feel skinny enough to have it, I don't even feel unwell. Mum keeps telling me that I'm sick and unwell and have a disease and illness and eating disorder and all I want to do is scream at her and say "I DONT HAVE A FUCKING EATING DISORDER", but I never do.
I go to the hospital every week for check-ups because they are so concerned about my medical health apparently but every fucking check-up they say the same thing "your weight has stabilised, your heart-rate is all good" and I'm just sitting there like no fucking shit it's all fucking fine because there is no problem but no they keep going on with this eating controls you and that voice is telling you not to eat. I just think it's the most bullshit I've ever heard, like fuck you, you don't know what goes on in my head and you don't know what I'm thinking your just mad because I'm losing weight in a way that is different and freaks people out.
This is how my day normally goes wake up, get coffee do absolutely nothing the whole day and don't eat until dinner-if I can get away with it, then it gets to dinner, I eat dinner and clean up the table then rush off to the shower and contemplate whether I should throw it up or not. I sit there tossing between do it and don't do it but that voice saying do it always wins. It's like I can't not do it like throwing up has become such routine that I can't stop and also I feel guilty if I keep the food down. Then I get out of the shower look at myself in the mirror and think hm you are still fat and ugly go do a workout to burn extra calories. I mean I never have any energy to do them but I do it anyway because I feel like I have to because if I don't, that bloody voice is screaming at me saying "YOU FAT LAZY SHIT IF YOU DONT WORKOUT YOU'RE GOING TO GAIN SO MUCH WEIGHT YOU ARE ALREADY FAT ENOUGH GET UP!" Do you know know what that feels like? It feels like shit let me tell you, especially when you can barely breathe because you have had nothing to eat and you almost pass out when you stand up too fast but after you do it and hop on the scales the next morning and the number is smaller than the previous day well then you think that was all worth it. Then that voice says good job for working out I told you it would pay off just make sure you don't eat today we don't want to put it back on. It's just this constant fight with that fucking voice and deep down you know you should eat but you don't want to but you do at the same time, then you start thinking about all the things you could be doing if you weren't constantly at war with yourself. I just want this voice to shut the fuck up sometimes.
