Short Story Collection

Infomercial Madness

Phil Swift.

Vince Offer.

Billy Mays.

These Legends of Infomercials.

These Titans.

All of them used to rule their own areas, but after the death of Billy Mays, the mantle of Greatest Pitchman was left for anyone to get their grubby (or not so grubby) hands on.

Though many tried, and failed, after maybe one good pitch, the only two who have risen above are Vince Offer and Phil Swift.

Vince has the raw chaotic energy and ability to sell almost anything. With such claims to fame as the Sham-Wow and the Slap/Crank Chops, this man rose high, but he fell hard. His energy couldn't be contained within himself, which could be seen with his arrest of 2009 when he beat up a prostitute. They locked him away with chains inside a room lined with cheese graters.

Then, seemingly overnight in 2017, Phil Swift rose from the depths of hardware products. Bringing us the product line of Flex, which includes tape and seal, Phil keeps up a high-intensity energy in showing how each of his products works. That is, until... the extreme demonstrations. Such large-scale sightings have been cutting multiple different boats in half just to put them back together with Flex products and even creating a dune buggy with nothing but spare parts and, again, Flex products. One in particular can be seen as a sort of turning point for the Swift-Man himself.

The extreme bucket demonstration.

In the video, which still looms in some discreet internet circles, shows in gruesome detail as Phil Swift repeatedly stabs a bucket with both a knife and chainsaw. No one can go away not feeling changed after watching this poor bucket getting set so horrifyingly ripped from this plane of existence. Just for its body to be defiled more as Phil "fixes" the holes with Flex Seal Spray.

Phil reportedly had many other victims of this caliber before he stopped and disappeared. He went into some place that no other mere mortal would be able to cross into. Flex Land. Only the most devoted of Flexees can cross that threshold. However, Phil promised his followers and crew that he would come back if another would try to take the crown from him.

Today is that day.

Today the chains on Vince are set to break under the sheer might of his energy. The graters won't stand a chance against eleven years of pent up chaos. This will be the rise of the Offer.

But never fear, dear readers/listeners, Phil Swift will rise again to put the miscreant back into his place.