A Letter to My Toxic Ex Best Friend

A Letter to EMP

Hey.

We haven't talked in a long time, at least not like we used to. I've been catching myself thinking of you more frequently than usual as I've been building a lot of new relationships. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget you or what our relationship was. No matter what, we were there for each other until you decided you were done. Even after that point, I was still hanging onto nothing. You always said you were trying to salvage what was left of our relationship, but truthfully you were trying to demolish what pieces you had left. Of course, I can't pin all the blame on you. Every conflict has two sides. You may have seen things differently than I did. I don't think I'll ever be able to understand why you did what you did. You were my best friend for twelve years of my fourteen at the time, and it was painful to see you go. We became friends at two years old in the kiddie pool at the swim club and reconnected there the next year. From then, there were lots of positive memories like all the birthday parties and camp and my very first sleepover. Sometimes I sit and think to myself if I should regret all of the time and energy I spent those twelve years all for it to go to shit. Then I remember that I would never know how much of a fake bitch you are if it hadn't gone to shit. All of those memories will always have a special place in my heart. But at some point, I had to learn to push those memories aside and look at you for who you truly are; a girl who wanted popularity so badly that she gave up her "best friend" to be friends with someone just as fake as she was. I see now that all of this was for the best. I found out who my true friends were. I took them for granted. Whenever I was asked who I wanted to bring out to dinner or have over or any other type of plans, I would say you. You were my priority and no one else would come before you.  Part of me thinks it was because you may have been my first love. I'll never be sure, as I never knew I was bi for sure until last year, and that was much too late. I have friends that dealt with all of my bullshit throughout middle school, and are still dealing with it now. I could never ask for better people to be by my side. I wouldn't trade my friends for the world. The one person that I know will be reading this right now probably wouldn't be in my life if you hadn't left, and I am so happy you did. She is probably one of if not the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so incredibly grateful for her. Jenna and Isabella have been there for me for almost ten years each. So what if they haven't exceeded our twelve years. The ten years that they have been there have been a thousand times more amazing than the twelve we had and they stuck with me at my worst. I've only known Mia for almost three months, but those three months have felt so much better than the last two years of our friendship. Sure, WE were toxic for EACH OTHER, but the toxicity started with you. I was so worried about losing you. We went from facetiming every single day, texting all day, and hanging out every weekend to being complete strangers. You were the one person I wanted to be with on my birthday in Washington DC in eighth grade. You said no. I still forgave you and begged you to be my science fair partner. To no surprise, you bailed on me there too. That's where my friendship with Isabella and Jenna began to grow stronger. Isabella always listened to my rants and stepped forward to be my science fair partner along with Jenna. Jenna stepped forward to invite me to her hotel group on top of the science fair since she had extra space. I can't ever repay them for how much they helped me through middle school. I hated those three years with every bone in my body. You were part of the reason I tried to stay positive for the first two. But when Daniela came along, I knew it wasn't going to last much longer. Daniela had always hated me and I never knew why. You never seemed to care that she was going to give you an ultimatum, and just chose her anyway. I never asked you to choose. I didn't hate her for no reason. I didn't call her a bitch in front of you and never apologized. When I came to you about that, your response was "I can't control if my friend calls you a bitch". I had to find out from one of your friends that you were talking shit about me behind my back. It hurt. Not once did I ever think that you would turn on me like that. We had been friends for that long, and it all ended over a girl who is rude and a fake ass bitch. I couldn't have imagined betraying you like that. Now your family who I considered to be my second family treats me like a stranger. I don't even know how I'm supposed to react to that in public. All I know now is that I have my family, and I have three other great ones standing behind me no matter what, even though you're a part of the theater family. Isabella's parents treat me like a second daughter, and Jenna's parents do the same. Taryn treats me like a second sibling, and our families act like we're all related. I don't care if you ever want to be friends again. I almost made the mistake of letting you back into my life towards the end of freshman year. Thank God I didn't. My mental health was stronger than ever coming into this year. Yeah, this whole quarantine thing has taken a toll on it. But if I had continued to be friends with you, I'm afraid I wouldn't have much of myself left. You would have turned me into one of those fake girls that acts like they're friends with everyone when in reality all they do is talk shit about everyone. I loved you with every piece of my heart, whether it was just as a friend, or as more. Again, I'll never know for sure. But I do know one thing Elizabeth Marie Perrone. I can NEVER repay you for what you did. You made me who I am today. I should be grateful, really. The awkward, goofball, sensitive bitch I am is because of you. I have the best friends I could ask for, and I love acting and NJDFL more than my own existence. I'd probably still be doing cheer if it weren't for eighth grade. So for all of that, I thank you. However, I will NEVER forgive you for all of the pain you caused. My mom often threatened to take away my phone because of how distraught I was from our arguments. Losing the friendship we had happened quickly. Quicker than I ever would have imagined. You can blame it on me all you want. But I know deep down that if I did anything wrong, I would have apologized for it and we would be friends today. As much as I've heard rumors about you saying it was because of something I did, I'll never believe it. The Lizzy I know would have come to me and talked about it. She would have never just let go of our friendship. In reality, you changed. Change isn't something we can control. One of my newest friends, Morgan, wrote me a letter saying goodbye since it's her senior year. She explained to me that time is a strange gift we've been given. I think that time and change go hand and hand. We grew apart in a way. It damaged me. I won't ever be that same, optimistic, bubbly girl I was from ages 3-13. Who I am today is definitely not what I was before. I'm better. I'm learning I'm worth more than you ever made me out to be. I'm learning that I'm good at things that I put my mind to. I'm learning that I'm likable to people who don't have opinions about me before they actually talk to me. I'm learning about me. I've changed for the better. I can't say whether or not that's the same for you, but I can say confidently that the girl in the old pictures of us isn't the same girl I sit next to in Mr. McGuirk's fourth period English class. I'll miss the memories we made, always. But I've made such great ones with my real friends that at this point, the ones with you shouldn't mean shit. I'm sorry that I wasn't enough for you, and that I let you down. But I'm not sorry for finally letting go of our friendship. I'll never trust you again, and I'm making a promise to myself to never let you worm your way back into my life no matter how much you beg and plead. I'm awesome, and you don't deserve me. You can keep your fake friends. You can keep your popularity. But you can't have me, and that's all that matters.

Megan