"Calum, hurry up! I have to piss!" I heard Luke complain from the other side of the door. I smirked, even though he couldn't see me, into the mirror.
"Sorry mate, can't do. Guess you'll just have to piss yourself." I heard him whine from the other side of the door. I let out a small chuckle as I walked over to the bathroom door and slowly, very slowly, unlocked it. As soon as it was fully unlocked Luke shoved the door open and threw me out of the way.
"Ow, you Asshole." I groaned, rubbing my head that I'd hit on the wall. I gripped the door handle and stood myself up, walking out to give Luke his privacy. I let out a deep sigh of relief as I fell backward onto my bed. We'd just worked an hour on writing a song, an writing the music, then a half an hour practicing it. I was exhausted. I knew it was worth it though. Just five hours ago I got a call from a music producer who'd seen our YouTube videos. He thought we had immense talent and we're going somewhere. Although, he asked us to write our on song and perform it for him. I'd never performed in front of anyone but the other boys, and let me tell you i was petrified. I personally hated my singing voice and didn't think I was very good at playing the bass. I was shocked when the other boys even let me in the band.
At our high school, I wasn't the most liked. At all. A lot of the kids all ignored me, or worse called me names when I was alone. Everyone knew not to mess with me with the other guys around. They'd made that mistake before and Luke clobbered the guy. They didn't hesitate to call me names when I was alone though. From how long it's been going on you'd think I was use to it though, right? Wrong. Every single time they did it, it hurt me so bad. My self esteem is already low enough. I don't need them telling me I'm ugly, fat, worthless, bitch, wannabe, Asian freak and even worse things. The worse part? I was starting to believe some of it.
"Hey, cal?" I shot my head up to find a shirtless Luke standing in my doorway. I bit my bottom lip softly at the perfect sight. Damn he was beautiful. Yes, I'm gay. No one knows though. They can't or they'll kick me out of the band and possibly hate me. Luke probably wouldn't even look at me the same if he knew I'd been crushing on him for the past few months.
"What?" My tone was filled with annoyance and sleepiness. Michael had left already to go be with his girlfriend, and Ashton had fallen asleep in the guest room upstairs like he often did.
"Can I borrow some clothes? I spilled chocolate milk all over mine." He said sheepishly as he made his way further into my room. I chuckled and sat up.
"Oh come on, Luke. Again?" This had happened just last week. He smiled sheepishly, tugging at his lip ring softly. I shook my head, laughing, as I stood up and made my way to my closet. I pulled out my Nirvana shirt and two pair of sweatpants. These skinny jeans were honestly hurting me and last time I fell asleep in them my legs hurt all day. I held out the shirt and grey sweatpants to Luke who took them with a small 'thanks'. He struggled to slide off his jeans right then and there, causing me to blush as I quickly looked the other way. We'd all seen each other naked so it shouldn't have been a big deal to see him in his boxers. Well, unless I'd had a huge crush on him. And I did. I tried telling myself that he's straight and he'd never like an ugly, fat, untalented guy like me but I couldn't contain the feelings.
I turned around as I heard the springs in my bed go down to find Luke laying in my bed. He looked so cuddly. He had a cheeky, adorable grin on his face, which I returned. It soon faded though as I realized I still had to change by pants. This should come across as no big deal since I've seen all the other guys completely naked and they'd seen my completely naked before but a few days ago, I felt the need to feel pain. I needed to punish myself. That day, I'd turned a half an hour practice into two hours since I kept messing up. I wasted their time because I couldn't get it right and I needed to be punished for that. So I did something I never thought I'd do. I cut. I didn't cut on my wrists though. I didn't want anyone to find out. It was just a few small but kind of deep cuts on my thighs. But if I changed my pants right here in front of Luke, he'd see them.
"I- uhm, I'm gonna go to the bathroom." He raised an eyebrow at me. Shit, he's suspicious.
"You were just in there though?" Shit, I forgot about that.
"I gotta go again." I lied. I never had to go to the bathroom. The first time I just went in the to look at my reflection and see if all those awful things were true. Some were.
Luke just nodded, although I could see the suspicion in his expression. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in once I reached the bathroom. I closed and locked the door before slipping off my black skinny jeans in ease. I lifted the edge of my boxers slightly to reveal six slightly faded cuts. I ran my finger over them lightly.
I'm just a Fuck up.
I bit my bottom lip, holding back tears before releasing the end of my boxers and grabbing my black sweats. I pulled them on quickly before walking back to my room. Luke was fast asleep. He looked so cute. His hair slightly in his gentle face, eyes closed lightly and his knees pulled up to his chest as he lay on his side. I felt a small smile tug at the ends of my mouth as I looked at him. I pulled the comforter over him and walked downstairs to the living room. I curled up on the couch and soon drifted off to sleep with a tall, blonde, blue eyed angel on my mind.
-
I woke up to the sound of voices. I could hear Luke's deep voice along with Ashton's and a voice I didn't quite recognize.
"Yeah, Calum's our bassist. He sleeps the longest out of us three, but Michael tends to sleep later than Calum even." I woke up more fully at the sound of Luke saying my name. I slowly sat up and stretched my arms with a yawn.
"Calum? Oh well, he's pretty good. He tends to mess up quite a lot though. He's been having trouble focusing lately it seems. He's usually so into the music and so on time but lately? He's been a tad off." A frown fell onto my face at Luke's words. He's noticed. They were going to kick me out of the band for being off focus and messing up so muc-
My thoughts were interrupted as i felt and strong pair of arms wrap around me as i was tackled back onto my back. "You're awake!" Ashton exclaimed as he cuddled me. I pushed him off and sat up again. A look of jealousy lay on Luke's face.
No, he doesn't and never will like you as anything more than a bamdmate.
"So, you're Calum." I then knew who it was now. It was the music producer. The tone of voice the man used was not one that made me feel good about myself, for he used a tone of disappointment.
I nodded, a frown falling upon my face at his disappointed tone. Was he unhappy with the way I looked?
"May I have a word with calum? Alone?" My heart stopped and so did my breathing. What did he want to talk about that we had to be alone?
The other boys nodded and left to go make breakfast, leaving me alone with this man I'd never met. He sat next to me on the couch with an unamused look on his face.
"Calum, I think the band would be better off without you. From what I hear, you're not a very good bassist and you've been off and not into it. I just think they'd be better off without you. Also, you're not the skinniest and you're not too pretty either. I don't think teenage girls would be very interested in a fat, ugly Asian boy." My heart shattered. Had Ashton and Luke asked him to do this? He was right. No one would like me. I nodded slowly. I was so shocked at him getting right to the point. They wanted me out of the band.
"Calum? Just think about your friends. Its for their sake." I sighed sadly and nodded. It was true. They'd be better off with a different guy to replace me.
"Yeah.. I guess." I rubbed my face. I was so stupid for not quitting already.
Fat.
Ugly.
Not very good.
Out of focus.
All those things were true. I was fat. I was ugly. I was just a burden to the band. They deserved better.
