Every attendee of the prestigious Maury High School must, indeed, feel joy when entering the building in the wee hours of the morning. How can one fail to smile at the lingering odor from rest rooms that open onto the corridors and the combative cries of “Yee” and “Yolo” filling the heavily populated halls? All students have naught but the highest admiration for their quarrelling melodramatic peers who set the standards for behavior. Without these honorable peers how would anyone struggling within their hierarchy learn that violence is simply the answer to all problems imaginable? These glorious acts of dominance and rebellion do not strictly fill the hallways, but also occur in other forms in both the classroom and cafeteria.
In the classroom no lesson goes uninterrupted by these highly intelligent young ladies and gentlemen. These paragons of person-kind participate in vigorous texting, effortless disrespect, and overall loud speech for the abundance of class periods. How anyone withstands a day at Maury without frequent homicidal and/or suicidal thoughts is truly a marvel deserving of an award, or a reality check. If high school teaches you anything it is the high art of getting through the nauseating pain of public institutions is to fake a smile and move on.
The cafeteria is, of course, a safe haven where the obligatory attendance of all students allows for a unifying milk and food fight on an almost daily basis. As unifying experiences go you can’t do much better than having all parties bathed in rapidly congealing milk. Students who are caught avoiding the food battles are given a second sporting chance at unity by being invited back to attend Saturday School. Students in the cafeteria learn another lesson about the several uses of sustenance: it is wonderful terror tactic, key weaponry that cannot be eliminated from the school, and of course it is comedic gold. In addition when the common street mantra “Yee!” fill the room all students are trained in the safety measure of running to the edge of the room to avoid milk or lasagna flying across the cafeteria. Ironically these “Yees” also serve as a warning at the sight of fights where students contrastingly run directly towards danger.
Common characteristic of the classiest Maury students include, but are not limited to: generally vapid thoughts, poor priorities and egocentrism. Happily, a large chunk of the Maury population is both inventive and eclectic in their thinking as they take hours pondering parties, drugs, sex and how pretty they are today. In addition to these reliably vapid “thot”’s, most students, they would rather invest hundreds of dollars into the newest pair of celebrity-endorsed foot covering. Michael Jordan sneakers are of course a superior investment to their own learning. That’s because, of course, no study time could possibly improve their future in the same way as a pair of Michael Jordan’s, which are made in the china’s finest sweatshops, everyone knows Jordan’s are the key for future success. Students are far too busy talking about hair, high school he said she said drama, than to actually attend school for the purpose of learning.
In every way we have seen the Maury student to be reliable. You can rely on them to meet your lowest expectation time and again as the student body is degrading to say the least. Maury students are all about choice. The current high school generation is perfectly able to abide by the lowly set standards but simply chooses not to. This student body is all about empowerment in the digital age. The generation has endless knowledge at its fingertips yet chooses to use these infinitely empowering devices to watch twerking videos. This is the generation that will never grow up.
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The Honorable Students of Maury High
HumorA Satirical Essay meant to bring reform to Norfolk Public Schools and other districts of education suffering from similar issues.
