I'm getting it in my head again
Feeling suicidal.
I could see it all.
Me stepping on the tracks,
The girl screaming
Her boyfriend stepping back in awe,
Then desperately gripping her with his arms and shielding her eyes from the sight of my mangled body.
I wondered how the driver would look.
From the shock in his face to his frantic hands desperately trying to stop the tram, to save me
To save himself from the despair and grief he and the passengers would be feeling
To save himself from the guilt he'd be feeling
I could see it all so clearly
Me on the tracks standing still
Numb
The way I'd felt the entire walk here
Past the school children and their teachers
Past the scared dog and his owner threatening him-
And like me the word HELP etched in his amber brown eyes
Past trees and grass
The birds that erupted from branches and flew away after I hissed 'fuck off'
Past the lovers in their world of words and technology
Towards the tracks
I almost didn't stop
But instead I reached the clearing and woke up
I'm scared
Scared of myself and the thoughts that consume me
Persuade my actions
Yet here I am
Walking away, still typing this
Going towards a place of treats and fufillment
I must remember to keep walking
Stay occupied
Even if I still feel as though I am trapped in this monotone world
