F O U R T E E N

Fourteen Mistakes

Look who's digging their own grave
Your lips trembled against mine, droplets of tears slowly sliding down your face. Your body shook profusely, uncontrollably; unable to gain clarity of yourself. Mistake number one.

That is what they all say
You could feel the stares, the judgmental comments. Words, thoughts and feelings all wrapped into one big nightmare. But you didn't even notice. Mistake number two.

You'll drink yourself to death
You stared at me, with those big doe like eyes of yours. Yet somehow they didn't look the same. Glassy, red and bloodshot, I should've known then. Mistake number three.

Look who makes their own bed
You did this to yourself baby girl, and I was a fool not to realise what had happened. I was too oblivious, too concerned about myself. Mistake number four.

Lies right down within it
The endless spiral of self hate and doubt tunnelled into your psych right down to your bones. How the fuck did I not see this baby girl? Mistake number five.

And what will you have left?
The walls you had built up had crumbled and broke apart into tiny little pieces. I should've known when you showed up at my doorstep drunk, you never drank. Mistake number six.

Living beyond your years
It had always seemed like you'd experienced much more then people of our age did; it just never occurred to me what those experiences may have been. Mistake number seven.

Acting out all their fears
Guess what happened baby girl? I fell for you, hard and fast and dangerously. Our relationship was always unpredictable and that scared me, oh god did it scare me. So much so that I never considered how you felt about it. Mistake number eight.

You feel it in your chest
Somewhere deep down I knew, I just knew that there was something going on. But I was too much of a fucking idiot to ask you, too afraid of what you may have said to me. I was too scared of losing you, and that was the problem. Mistake number nine.

Standing on the cliff face
You were always an adrenaline junkie, continuously wanting to try dangerous things. You were fearless baby girl. Until one day you weren't. Mistake number ten.

Highest fall you'll ever grace
Hanging precariously on the edge of fear and pain you contemplated the world, with me right by your side. Pondering whether anyone would truely miss you if you were just to fade away. Mistake number eleven.

It scares me half to death
When you revealed this thought to me I'll be honest with you baby girl, it frightened me. My grip on your body got tighter and all I wanted to do was kiss you senseless and tell you I cared. I never had the courage to do so. Mistake number twelve.

Look out to the future
I remember you fondly telling me that we'd travel the world one day, you and I. That we'd escape our dreary lives full of misery and heart ache and fulfil our dreams. We'd do whatever we please till our hearts content. I should've taken you seriously. Mistake number thirteen.

But it tells you nothing
You wouldn't understand what I wouldn't give to have you back in my arms. I would trade in the world for you, and you would never know that because I never told you how much I cared. Mistake number fourteen.

So take another breath
I'm sorry baby girl, I'm so fucking sorry I couldn't save you.