Unspoken

Anonimous confession

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You were so cool,the coolest out there, you stood out from the crowd and your charisma naturally drew people in, around you, giving you attention, listening to your every word and hanging onto them as they poured from your mouth. You were something of exceptional and I was always afraid and in awe of you.

What was so special about you, oh so captivating, I could hardly describe, I still don't know how to put into words more masterfully than this: you were the embodiment of all the things I admired and wanted to possess, that I lacked and tried to emulate. You were so effortlessly cool that I was jealous of your success, of the many friends you could make outside of your life inside that little classroom that brought us all together, of the bonds you could make with such ease, which I was always struggling with and failing to form, because I wasn't like you. I couldn't be like you and I was disheartened.

I felt very much like a loser but not in your presence, never in your presence. You were my anchor, and your words were reassuring to me, I felt more than I was when I was with you. You, you, you..

Why were you having this effect on me? It's so weird to think of it again now, as I realize all the complications of my feelings from back then. You made me feel such contradictory emotions. You were a rival and a friend, I envied you and was ashamed for being such a fake friend, or so I was reprimanding myself because true friends must not be jealous of one another, isn't it so?

You were a prodigy and I.. well, I was always a step behind and it hurt but at the same time I was so proud of you, as a friend and as I stood next to you, I felt like we could be equals but looking back on it now, your smile was maybe a little more condescending than I thought at that moment, as I was blinded by affection: maybe you didn't see us as equals, as I always stood one step bellow you, falling behind..

I always saw you as a goddess,always standing above me but you chose someone else and it hurt because I realised that you were never meant to be mine,not as a lover,not as a friend and that I had kept helplessly hovering around you,hoping foolishly,blinded by my selfish thoughts of what ifs: what if I was more to you?

I wasn't so special, after all, as much as I would've liked to think back then, and it's not solely my insecurities speaking, but for a moment you made me feel confident and greater than I really felt in my life, and even a little bit unique, special, standing out from the crowd because I was your friend and saw myself as someone you could confide in, although you never did, though you were having it rough on your end as well. Only once I remember your perfect exterior cracked and you broke down crying (as I did many times) and I was there to comfort you (you did too, a few times, but you also used it agains me, plenty of times).

You still confuse me to this day but one thing I'm sure of, I don't want you back in my life, I saw your true colours and I was disappointed. After all, you're not as perfect as I thought you to be, as I hoped you were. We were so different and I was naive enough to think that we might get along for a long time but as it happens, we only needed a little more freedom, a little more space to grow and we fell apart.

I was greedy and wanted more than just the label of "acquaintance" but as I was vying for attention,you were complete and exquisite and independent, not in need of a friend or of a potential someone special.. You were what I wasn't,what I wish I was,you were fierce and intelligent,brilliant so, you were acing in everything you did and you do still. I wish I could tell you how much it all meant to me,but thank you nonetheless,for teaching me lessons about myself that I didn't learn yet,years after we turned from being almost friends to less than acquaintances,thank you for the mark you left on me although you'll never know. You'll never know...

Now,we're almost strangers exchanging greetings cordially with a smile (if barely any) and pass each other without locking eyes, forced in each other's space for brief moments. The "perks" of living in a provincial town. Not anymore (and I think it's for the better).

I still admire you, though you'll never know,still thinking of what it might have been and knowing that you probably don't spare me a thought from that mind so beautiful that had me captivated for a long time. You unintentionally made me feel like I was unworthy of your attention, but I was too eager to indulge in the perfect image I'd constructed of you, I failed to see the cracks in the beautiful façade.

In the end,we were just two persons brought together in each other's space by destiny or causality,forced to know each other.I was never meant to be more to you but for a long time I couldn't help rolling the thought in my head.

What if,what if....

Still..no, I spared you so many thoughts, when maybe I should have focused on other things- on me; and although I don't regret it, it's all in the past. I was still attached to that image of you I held so high in my imagination, but now, I'm moving on and I'm hopping to become someone you can hold high in your regard as well. I'm becoming the person I've always wished to be, when we were sharing dreams of a greater future.

Still, I can't help but hope that you'll still remember me sometimes and think that I made a lasting impression on you, however faint it may be.

I loved you.