Diary from an ordinary goth.

Realization.

Growing up, I was never one to believe in idealistic and perfect relationships. Having a family that was never truly stable took a toll on me over the years. Nothing stayed good long, and I was always finding myself feeling lonely or scared. Granted, my parents are still together, but the problems just continue.
I never thought that I'd ever come across someone that I would love so intensely that it would rattle my bones and make my heart feel as if it was going to rip out of my chest. I never felt electricity by someones touch, or melted when I looked into someones eyes.
I always had a wall up. No matter who it was, or how I thought I felt about them, I still kept my walls up. I would become dramatic and unrealistic when things wouldn't work out. For some reason, I always felt the need to hang on and fight for someone. Even when I realized I didn't want them anymore. I wanted them to want me. It was too desirable to me. It was something I needed. 
I remember staying up as a young teen, curled up in a ball, crying my fucking heart out over people I thought I needed in my life. I invested too much, far too fast for people I thought meant the world to me. It was pathetic. It was damaging. And it was idiotic. 
Looking back all I can do is shake my head and seriously call myself a faggot. Because that's what I have to do. I have to admit that I was a crazy teenage girl who needed severe mental help because she wanted to be loved in all the wrong ways, accepted by the wrong people, and had a knack of shutting the essential people out. My teenage years have really been nothing but a window in my timeline of moments I wish I could forget. 
I wish I could understand my mind better back then. I was just so hopeless and lost. I was the epitome of everything I never wanted to be. I'm forever cursed and littered with scars from moments I thought a cheap piece of metal could fix my melodramatic problems. I thought trying to find love in all the wrong places was helping my mentality, when in reality it was destroying it. Nothing I did was beneficial in the least.
Growing up with a father who was always drunk and picking fights, and a mother who was crying too often and stayed pent up and depressed wasn't healthy for my developing mind. Catching my father cheating on my mother and not knowing what to do was damaging to my trust. I thought when you married someone, you took a vow to love them not only endlessly, but with every fiber of your being. I can and will admit that my parents did not set a good example of love for me. But I will not blame them entirely for my ignorance about love and relationships. Because while I let everyone treat me like shit, I was preaching to my friends that they needed to be with someone who appreciated and loved them. I was contradicting and naive. 
I thought that everyone besides myself, deserved to be loved and cared for. I always thought such things from such a young age. There has only ever been one person to give my mind clarity, but the feelings got so intense I lost myself in them, and he became my everything very quickly. I would lay around waiting for a reply, no matter how short. I'd constantly refresh my chat's on the website just to check if he had even read it. Even if there were weeks between talking, getting something/anything from him meant the world to me.
I remember holding my phone to my chest once I realized I actually liked him and trusted him, and I couldn't help but to squee with joy and roll around in my bed. There was nobody like him. Nobody made me feel the way he did. He was special. He was unlike anyone.
Being so young I knew it probably wouldn't work out so great. But I ached for him on such a deep level, and he never left my mind. No matter the times we finally tried being together to only break up shortly after, or him blocking me out of his life. I only wanted him. Even if someone else grabbed my attention during his absences, he was always put as number one as soon as he came back to me. And I think thats what made it work. We always returned to each other. I felt he was my other half. He was all I wanted in life. Charming, sweet, caring. There was never anyone like him to me. No one made me smile like he did. Nobody made my heart race like he did. Nobody made me feel that intensely. Even for being so young, there was something special about him.
I remember hearing his voice for the first time and sinking into a puddle. It was nothing like I imagined but it fit him perfectly. It made my heart leap into my chest and left butterflies lingering even after he hung up on me and caused a small panic in my mind. He was the one person I never wanted to lose. I always wanted him in my life. 
From the moment we started talking, I knew he was too wonderful to push away. I tore down my walls a million times for him, which left me exposed and vulnerable. But it was the most amazing feeling to feel his acceptance over who I was. His opinion meant the world to me. If he didn't like something, I kept note. I would morph myself according to how and what we talked about. But finding out he loved me for who I was, was the key part of learning to accept myself as I was.
Before this boy, I would never have even began to dream about being intimate with anyone, or taking my clothes off to show myself completely vulnerable and exposed. He unlocked a part of me I had hidden away from everyone, and from that moment on I knew he was without a doubt, the one for me.
Meeting him after three years was the most joyous moment of my life, no matter how awkward I acted or terrified I ended up seeming. Having the door being thrown open and hugging his little sister was the first big part that told me it was real. It was happening. Walking to his door and shakily pulling it open was another. Taking my time to climb up his stairs, my palms shaking and my heart racing was probably the most terrifying part of that day. Knowing that when I would turn the corner, the love of my life would be standing there. I had to force the knot in my throat down, take a deep breath and force myself to go on. There was no running away, and I didn't want too. I shuffled across his floor and rounded the corner to see the cutest, most charming boy my eyes had ever fallen upon. Every nerve in my body was on end, but feeling his arms wrap around me made me feel more complete than anything I'd ever experienced. I knew I was home.
Even sitting awkwardly on his beanbag chair and keeping half my face hidden, my eyes unmoving from this boy. Everything fell into place.
That was the moment I knew I had to have him be mine forever. That was the moment I knew love existed and that was it. In that room. Even with all those people. That thick feeling of love surrounded me, and I never wanted to feel it go away.
Even to this day, only a few months later, I still feel that way. Every time I see him I can't help but to rush to his porch. I still throw myself on him as if I haven't seen him in years. I kiss him every moment I get and I'm initially his new fashion accessory since I'm always attached to his arm. When he looks at me, I see love. I see it in everything he does. 
When he cocks his head away from me and can't contain that cute half smile that he says he hates. When he cracks a laugh at the stupid things I may say or do, but backs it up with at least five kisses. When he wraps his arms around me so tight I make an obnoxious sound but he just smiles and kisses my face. When he looks at me while we lay in bed and tells me I'm perfect and that he loves me. Everything he does has only proven that he loves me.
The first weekend I stayed at his house and got terribly sick, and he was up with me to rub my tummy and get me water and hold me in bed. Hes only ever taken care of me. Love was never ideal to me. It was never something I believed in. But Brandon has opened up a million doors for me, and thanks to him I am allowing myself to feel, have hope, and live.
He is my blessing. He is my future.
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life staring into those perfect pools of shimmering green.