𝑺𝑲𝑰𝑵𝑺 𝑳𝑰𝑳 𝑷𝑬𝑬𝑷

★︎𝑇𝑊𝐸𝑁𝑇𝑌 ★︎

☹︎𝙑𝙀𝙉𝙐𝙎☹︎

some days went by, maybe a week. i dont know. ive been excused from school due to athena. i was too high to face reality. gus kept stopping by but i didnt wanna talk. he almost cried when i told him to go away. i didnt want him to see me this way. i felt terrible for telling him to leave.

but im not his responsibility. he cant save me like he thinks he can. phones been off for days and i havent eaten anything. i cry and throw up constantly until i felt nothing anymore. until i was distracted from the hole in my heart.

my poor brother keeps trying to comfort me but scared ill hurt him. that makes me feel worse. the only people i have and they feel like their walking on a tightrope to try and help me. ive been hearing dad defend me being locked in my room, janice again.

i was too exhausted to fight with her. she didnt deserve my time anyway. i did feel bad for pushing the people who care away. i just needed to be alone.

"baby. baby, please open the door. i know you wanna be alone but please.. just open the door. i need you." i heard gus's little voice call, i was crying in the bathroom feeling all my emotions hit me at once. maybe if i didnt reply he'd leave. he deserved better anyway. im not what he needs.

"venus, youre not okay, i know that. im not either just let me in." his voice only made me cry harder, i dont know why but it hurt me even more to hear him begging me.

𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑑𝑎𝑦 𝑔𝑢𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢'𝑙𝑙 𝑏𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑚𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑒 𝑒𝑓𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑙𝑦. 𝑂𝑛𝑒 𝑑𝑎𝑦, 𝑚𝑦 𝑠𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑡 𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑒𝑙.

"please," i couldnt. i couldnt let him in. as much as i wanted to, i just couldnt. "okay.. i get it. ill leave you alone, princess, but i love you venus, just come back to me soon, okay?" he sounded so hurt. the tears just wouldnt stop. the guilt wont go away.

in a fit of anger, guilt, sadness i started throwing shit. i put my fist through the wall screaming. time was on a loop, time felt forever here. everyday felt the same with a new fight between guilt and numbness. i felt so guilty for athena's death but i felt so numb from it.

i felt so guilty. its my fault. because i couldnt watch over her. i couldnt protect her. i couldnt protect her from our father. i couldnt protect our mother. our family. i was so useless. i am useless. my body shook in rage, the crying had stopped and i felt numb again.

my head hung between my hunched knees. my hands bleeding from the destructive mess i made. my hands slid up my face as i rocked myself again. i dont know what to do. i dont. im so lost. im so lost. im trapped in my own heartbreak.

ive been trapped since i was little. since the pills. the abuse. ive been stuck on an endless loop my whole life. im never getting out. its never going away. im never gonna get better. i prayed to god to help my sister and he ignored me.

im convinced there is no god. if there was why was it me? why was it athena? my mother? brian? gus? why us? why didnt he save us? i know im not his favorite but my sister needed help more than i did. i just hoped he'd listen and he didnt.

𝑤ℎ𝑦?

i needed to shower. i ran the water making sure it was hot. i needed out of these clothes. i put my face under first ignoring the stinging from my hands while i watched the blood run into the water. my body still shook. life felt like a game. and mine is almost game over.

im tired. im so tired. im so tired of feeling like this. im so tired of relying on the drugs. im so tired of feeling like i dont belong. im tired of holding the weight on my shoulders. the weight of everything. im fucking up my life and everybody else's.

ill be the cause of my own demise but i cannot be anybody else's. i felt glued to the shower's walls. as if i left this wall id crumble again. one chip and id be completely broken. that'll be the end. i tried to hold on. but it felt like everything was slipping. a slope.

"hey, venus, can you open up?" i heard dad call.

"im in the shower." i responded.

"okay, kiddo, just come here when youre done." i heard him walk away but i was stuck to this wall. my clutch. i took a deep breath and turned the water off just getting out in my towel. i looked in the mirror seeing the bags of pink under my eyes.

my lips looked dry and my face pale. my hair a wet mess. i tried to dry off quickly and avoid the mess in my bathroom to get dressed. i opened my door to see a flower. gus mustve left it for me. i picked it up, a red rose. i tried to find some water to put it in but ended up putting it in the sink.

i stumbled to dad's room knocking on the door. he opened it with papers in his hands. he hugged me tightly.

"come sit down," i followed him to the bed where it looked like he was reading a letter. there was one with my name on it. he handed it to me. "an officer dropped these off." i stared at it. athena.

"dad.." the guilt had came back in such a quick moment, i didnt wanna take it. he sighed and nodded.

"i know, ve, i know," he hugged me again, i knew i had to read it but i couldnt. not now. "im here for you." i nodded, ian then walked through the door and instantly hugged me.

"im so sorry, venus." he said and the crazy thing was he was crying for me. i looked at him with tears of my own along with disbelief and held his hands.

"its okay." was all i could say. its not okay. i felt so bad for him. the only sibling he ever had and she's the most fucked up person. ill do better for you ian. i will.

"i just need to go for a walk." dad nodded and kissed my head. i let go of ian so i could get my shoes on, i turned my phone on to let jax know that i was coming. he said thatd be perfect since he's with a couple people.

so i left.

𝑠𝑜𝑜𝑜 𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑛 𝑛𝑒𝑥𝑡 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑗𝑢𝑠 𝑔𝑒𝑡𝑠 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑠𝑒 😔