Honey Bear

    My hand is on her tummy, I feel the kicking of our baby girl. I look up to my wife, her smile is from ear to ear. I've never felt our babies feet before.
    "Wow." I said, looking into April's eyes, "Does it hurt when she kicks?"
    "Not normally, sometimes when I don't expect it. She's been kicking a lot lately, just about every ten minutes. She's quite feisty."
    "She is our girl April, more importantly, my girl." I chuckle and sit on the couch with her.
    "My two little troublemakers." She smiles at me, "I've been thinking Babe... What about Addison?"
    "Addison?...Addison." I whisper to myself, "I love it." I said holding her hand. "I love you."
    "I love you like a bear loves honey," she said, then I kissed her on the forehead and walked over to the kitchen. I grab a dish and lather it in soap, scraping old alfredo sauce off the plate, and wiping it down with a sponge. I place it in our drying rack and continue dish by dish. "Honey, what would you like for dinner?" I asked as I placed a cup on the rack, "I was thinking about caesar salad, with my extra creamy sauce and maybe extra tomatoes?" I look over my shoulder and see her still on the couch where I left her. Why isn't she answering me? I put a second cup into the drying rack and dry my hands with the dish towel hung next to the cabinets. "April?"
    I walk through the open doorway to the living room, I look to our green couch. "April!" Our couch is stained with blotches of a dark crimson blood. My wife is laying on the couch doubled over in pain. "April, April, honey look at me, look at me." I say. I look at her eyes and they are turning glassy. She's not moving. I reach for my phone in my pocket with one hand and hold her hand in the other. It's not in my pocket. I run around my living room, searching the coffee table and t.v stand. I run into the kitchen searching the counters and then I see my phone on the table. I snatch it and dial 911- "Hi, hi, my wife, please... Oh my god... my wife. She's pregnant and she's not moving and she won't look at me... and there's blood everywhere.. on our rug and our couch. Please help me!"
    I hear the sirens coming, I run over to my front door. I leave a smear of blood on the handle as I whip it open for the paramedics.
    "She's in the living room. I don't know what happened." I say, " I don't understand."
    "Sir, It's okay. It's okay. I'm just going to need you to back up," one of the paramedics say. I watch as they cart a stretcher over to my wife and lift her up. I watch them shine a flashlight in her eyes. I watch them as they strap her in, and cart her out. "Sir, would you like to sit in the back with your wife to go to the hospital?"
    "...Yes, yes, I'm sorry." I say, as I run over to the back of the ambulance and climb the step and sit on the bench inside. Oh god, April... April. I stare into her eyes. They've looked like jolly ranchers to me. I look into them as we drive. I remember how she used to look at me when we first got together. Her eyes still light up every time she sees me. They never seemed to stop. She used to have these ginger bangs that would get in her eyes, I would brush them out of the way. I miss her bangs.

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    "Sir, excuse me? Sir." The doctor says, "Mr. Sands?" She had a pen and a clipboard in her arms.
    "I'm so sorry." I say, finally snapping back from memory lane. "Thank you for getting her in so quickly, doctor.."
    "Dr. Gwen Heathers." She said, shaking my hand, "This isn't going to be easy Mr. Sands, Your wife is struggling carrying the baby and I understand that she is due in just three weeks?" she said, holding the pen to write down my answer.
    "Correct, she is due in about three weeks. Everything has gone smoothly up until now." I say, my hands are shaking. I'm watching her jot down what I'm saying. "There hasn't been any signs. She's been eating right and I've done my best to keep with her needs."
    "Mr. Sands, there is no doubt in my mind that you're a good husband. But you need to sit down. This isn't going to be a quick in and out. I need you to try and stay calm, and try and relax. You should get yourself a drink. There's a Dunkin Donuts in the food court."
    "Oh no, no, I'm okay. No worries."
    I heard a slight beeping sound, and then a voice over the intercom "Dr. Heathers come to room B306 immediately." That's my wife's room. That's her room. I nervously thought to myself.
    "Stay here Mr. Sands," she said, as she ran to my wife's room. I stood there and watched her run. I didn't move a muscle.
    "Hey kid, here," an old man said, handing me an unopened coffee, "She's right, you should sit. You're going to get knots in your back." I took the coffee from him, a fresh dark roast from the Dunkin that Dr. Heathers told me to go to. I watched him sit down in one of the comfy chairs, and sat in the one adjacent to him.
    "Thank you for the coffee." I said, taking a sip from the cup. I began tapping my foot, "I can appreciate a good dark roast."
    "Me too, doesn't get enough credit nowadays. Everyone likes the fruity tutti drinks." He said, putting down the newspaper in his lap. "Albert, nice to meet you."
    "Cal."
    "What are you in for?"
    "My wife."
    "Oh.."
    "Yeah." We both drank a fresh cup of coffee in peace, finally setting aside the tension in the room.

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    My empty coffee cup was set on the table next to me when Dr. Heathers came back.
    "Mr. Sands, I need you to come with me." She said, and I got up from my seat and I walked with her. Hours had passed since I had last seen her. We walked together for a bit, then she opened a door to an office. "Please, take a seat."
    "How is she?" I said, I had my hands folded in my lap and my feet were tapping on the floor. "Please tell me she's okay."
    "Mr. Sands are you the father of the baby?" She asked.
    "Yes, of course. Me and April are married." I answered.
    "So you are the legal guardian?" She asked, "You have first say of both April and the baby?"
    "Yes, I do." I answered, my jaw was tight and my shoulders were tense. I felt my teeth grinding together.
    "Mr. Sands... I don't know how else to put this. I need you to make a choice. We have to start emergency surgery within the next hour. Obviously the goal is to get both Mrs. Sands and your baby through the surgery.." She took a breath, "..but if I am being honest, there is no chance that will happen.. You have to choose between your wife... or.. your baby." I felt the whole room fall. I felt everything go dark, and every sound repelled off of me. April or Addison. Fuck. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. Tears began falling down my cheeks. "... and your wife, well even if she does make it through the surgery she could suffer. We think she may have cervical cancer. It's already heading onto stage four, and she might not be able to fight it. I'm sorry nobody caught it sooner, Mr. Sands."
    I couldn't move my hands. I couldn't move at all. I stared at Dr. Heathers as if she could wish this all away with the flick of the hidden wand in her pocket.
    "I love them."
    "I know Mr. Sands. Nobody can make this choice for you." She said. I wept from the other side of her desk. She handed me a box of tissues.
    "I can't.. just.. chose." I cried. I wiped the tears with the back of my hand.
    "I'm sorry Mr. Sands."
    My dad's voice snuck into my head, "A mother cannot handle the loss of her baby. A mother cannot handle the loss of her baby. A mother cannot handle the loss of her baby." He would say, as he would catch me from the stairs watching my mother weep at the kitchen table. She would always be holding a grainy picture of my younger sister's ultrasound. "She will never forget carrying her in her belly for all these months. She will never forget her baby girl."
    I remember when my Mother was in the hospital with Alzheimer's for the last time, she would tell me about how she used to imagine going dress shopping with her. She would tell me that she couldn't wait to teach her how to do her hair and her makeup however she desired. She was finally going to have her partner in crime, her little girl. She even had a little baby's dress hung in her closet for years, even after she lost her. I don't think she was ever the same again, even in her last moments as I held her hand she told me to love my wife like no other, and kiss my baby girl on the forehead every day in the future.

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    "Save my A... Save my Addison." I said, trying to choke back the tears. I sat in Dr. Heathers' office, in her guest hair as she got up.
    "Okay," She said, and she left me there. I cried, wiping my tears every few minutes. A mother cannot live with the last of a baby. A mother cannot live with the last of a baby. A mother cannot live with the last of a baby. I got up, and walked to my wife's room. I waited outside, still wiping the tears from my cheeks.

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    "Cal, you can come inside." She said. I walked into the room and held my wife's hand for the last time. She took a couple of shallow breaths.
    "I love you April," I whispered. "I love you like a bee loves honey." I squeezed her hand tight as I watched her breaths become fewer and fewer. I place my forehead against her chest and I can barely hear her heartbeat. "I love you. I love you.... I love you." I let go of her hand a few minutes after I watched her last breath.
    I sit in her room, even as they wheel her out. I sit there in the chair. I remember the way she threw cake in my face at our wedding. I swear she was trying to smother me and take my money afterward. I remember when I would pick her up and run around the house yelling, "This is my world!" as I raised her in the air. I remember when she would roll over every morning, stretch, yawn, and give me a kiss, and saying, "Hello Bear."
    That's when I saw her. Addison. My baby girl. Dr. Heathers brought her in and placed her in my arms. I looked at her. Her bright, Jolly Rancher green eyes staring right back into mine. They had her mother's twinkle. She had her mother's smile, and her wild hair too. I brushed her hair down a little, the tiny ginger curls were soft against my hand.
    "Hi baby Addy. Hi baby girl." I said holding a finger out for her to grab. Her tiny baby fingers latched onto mine. "I love you little girl. I love you like a bear loves honey."