Pink Hoodie TXT BEOMGYU

십삼

MIN YUJIN

🖌
091617
8pm
Writing about: The past weeks

Well, the past two weeks were HELL. Just like the very first time I took them, the antidepressants made me want to die. Literally. When I'd be near the road, I'd want to jump and get hit by a vehicle. If I'd be anywhere up high, the urge to jump would be so strong.

And then the insomnia got worse. Again, because of the antidepressants, hence my purchasing of the sleeping pills. I needed to take them EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. No exceptions. No amount of physical or emotional exhaustion could make me tired enough to sleep on my own accord.

And the migraines. The whole time my brain felt like it was being pulled apart, squeezed, anything pain inducing. I needed to increase my dosage of painkillers. Again, every day.

However the newest side effect that I hated above all was the feeling I was being followed. Even writing it now makes me shudder.

My brother was already familiar with the possibility of these things happening again, so he made sure I'd be picked up every morning by the boys going to school. After class I'd need to go immediately to the company building. He didn't say it, but I knew he wanted me to be around someone constantly so I wouldn't...die. Haha.

And it worked. I'd wake up, force myself out of bed early because I knew they'd be on time. Taehyun would be next to me the whole day at school, annoyingly sarcastic as ever. We'd eat with Samuel and Beomgyu for lunch and go to the company right after class. Sometimes I'd watch the boys practice, or I'd stay with my brother to do my homework in a quiet area.

The boys were very happy with the fact that I was showing up again. It was painful to see how exhausted they were. Yeonjun and Soobin would practice the whole day while the boys were at school, and then they'd practice late into the night. I felt it was too much, but they said it was a help that I'd cheer them on. So I did.

Hell indeed. It was so, so, so incredibly exhausting to get out of bed, be around people, all the while my head would be filled with a constant battle with myself. The familiar thoughts of self-loathing, doubts of my self-worth, and degrading comments. It wasn't easy to put up a front. Controlling my sudden impulses to be rude, snap, or just run away from all interaction was a continuing struggle. But I couldn't mess it up. I knew I'd hate myself even more for that.

And my relationships? Not much change except I did get much closer with Jungkook. Ever since that night, he started buying me snacks and checking up on me every once in a while. But, I felt like shit when Beomgyu stopped initiating conversations with me. It made me feel worse. I just didn't get it. I thought I was overthinking it, but I think I messed up after the night of the party. I don't know what I could've done, but I know I'm very much capable of messing up stuff.

Good news though, I woke up okay yesterday. I didn't dread going out. My head still hurt, but the urges and thoughts dulled down. I almost cried because of it. I was so happy. I am. That's why I can write now.

It's not easy having chemical imbalances in my brain. Being told by my own self that I'm worthless among other negative stuff. It's difficult to even try to get better. I hate the medication. I hate being depressed and not having a natural remedy. It feels so fake. But there are people I care about now, people I don't want to lose. And whether or not they care about me as well, I don't intend on messing up this time.
🖌

Monday–September 18

"Where are the boys?" I ask as I enter the van, noticing that only the driver is there.

He looks at me through the rearview mirror. "They have a dance workshop today."

WHAT?!

"Oh...okay. Thank you," I reply politely as I reluctantly close the door of the car because he looks at me expectantly. I stare at the entrance to the building longingly as the car pulls away.