Phoenix

Chapter 4 (Zach)

"Hey did you hear what happened yesterday?" Said a boy.
"No, what's up?" asked the other boy.
"There was a lunatic with some freaky powers in Soromoc!"
"The dark region? what part?"
"Rataq."
"That close to the border? Did they catch the guy?"
"No, they didn't, guards are still looking for him."
"There's no way that's true, you sure that's not fake."
"That's what this one guy told me."
"And where did he hear this?"
"Was camping on neutral land near Soromoc, a guard questioned him and told him everything."
"You sure this isn't a prank?"
"No this guys was dead serious, he was terrified when he was telling me. You know the stories people have been saying."
"You know some people have already speculated on what's happening."
"Really?"
"Some people were speculating that it was Shadow."
"Shadow? The character from that old fairy tale?"
"His description matched the one from the stories."
"Yeah right, those are just stories for kids, that shit isn't real."
"Come on don't deny that this doesn't interest you at least a little bit." Says the first boy. "This is more exciting than the weather."
"Speaking of weather, we're going to have to go inside, there's a massive storm coming soon."
"Oh, that's today? I thought it was tomorrow."
"Nope, it's today now hurry up, let's go."
The two boys leave and head to go inside, little did they know that I was listening. Interesting, wonder what that was about? I took what I needed from the market and started heading home. I started making my way through the empty market place and follow the old dirt trail that leads to the far side of town. To this tiny little small house near the ocean. I open the barely put-together door and tried not to trip in the small, dark, and messy house.
"Mom I'm home!" I yelled.
"Zach is that you?" She asked from a distance.
"Yeah, where are you?" I asked while I closed the door behind me.
"In my room." She responded.
I walk into her bedroom and it was very messed up, everything is out of place. There are clothes in odd places, there's dirt on the floor, I spotted one of the plants fell over. That will explain why there is dirt in here all of a sudden. My mother is lying in bed staring at the bare wooden wall across the room from her.
"Mom what happened here!?" I exclaimed.
"Oh, I was trying to clean up earlier." She responded, finally looking in my direction.
Her light grey eyes were staring back at me as she tried to force a smile. I've was noticing that lately, her eyes were getting more and more tired as well as grey. It's worse than I thought.
"It's so dark in here, how were you able to see anything."
"I've adjusted to the dark."
"Where's that damn lamp," I said as I was struggling to find the oil lamp in this mess, "Ah, got it."
I picked up the lamp from the floor and shook it for a little bit, there seemed to be some oil still left in it. Now I had to light it, knowing mom she probably lost the flint somewhere, luckily I always hide a spare. I head towards the dresser near my mother's bed.
"What are you doing in there?" She asked with a puzzled look.
"Looking for flint," I responded while taking clothes out of the drawer.
"Why would flint be in there?"
"Because I put it there."
"Why?"
That I couldn't answer, I couldn't say that to her face. I didn't want to hurt her any more than she is already hurting. Mom was out of it lately, she's given up, who knows when she has her next meltdown.
"I-uh, well, I-I uh" I stammered, as I frantically searched for the flint. The last thing I want to do is tell her why. "Ah! I got it." I said and I pulled the flint out of the old, worn down dresser.
I noticed the picture frame that was faced down instead of up that was on the top of the dusty dresser that was already having the paint peeling off. I was about to grab it when my mother put a firm hand on my arm to stop me.
"Leave it," She said in a cold tone, her eyes looking the most awake I've seen in a while. "I left it faced down on purpose. That was the one thing I did that wasn't an accident."
Shocked, I listened, if there is one thing I know about my mother is that when her eyes are awake, she is serious. They always seem to wake up around that picture.
"Mom, it's almost dinner," I said nervously. "Come on, I'll help  you up."
I helped my mother out of bed and walked with her to the kitchen and sat her down on one of the chairs. I went to go start dinner, I open one of the overhead cabinets and notice a small box. Curious, I pulled it out and held it in my hand while examining the exterior of the box. It didn't look like a present, it was a small brown box with a maroon bow attached to the lid. I opened it and looked at all the herbs, containers of creams, and a bunch of papers with writing on them. I pulled out one of the papers and studied it, this was a recipe. No, it can't be, can it? I took out another piece of paper, then another, and then another. They were all recipes, and all the ingredients were in this box. Fuck. Not again.
"Mom?" I asked still reading one of the papers.
"Yes," she answered while staring out the window.
"What is this?" I asked with a cold voice, as I held the box in my right and placed one of the recipes in front of her.
She looked at the piece of paper in front of her and stared at it for a while. I could see it in her eyes, the moment she looked at it. She got caught.
"Mom, what the hell is this?" I asked once again in a colder voice.
"I was going to get rid of that before you came home, but I forgot where I put it." She answered.
"Hide it? That's why you made the mess earlier!?"
"I was hoping to find it before you came back, but you showed up sooner than expected."
"Mom, you've been hiding your medicine from me? You were trying to get rid of it?"
"Zach it's nothing serious, it's just a couple of daily remedies that aren't that important." She said with her eyes were frantic and panicking.
"Nothing serious! Then why is this from your doctor!" I started to raise my voice.
"You know how paranoid doctors are!"
"Mom!" I yelled.
That was enough to get my mom to quiet down. She looked at me in shock, in all my years of living, I have never yelled at my mother. Especially after finding out about her cancer.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to yell," I said as I looked down. "Mom, why did you hide this from me and don't lie this time. I know that there's epazote here mom, did you forget that I'm studying science and medicine? I know what epazote is used for, I know the drug that comes from it."
She remained silent and just sat there looking down as if she were ashamed. I turned away from her, after realizing what was going on.
"How could you do this?" I said.
"I didn't want you to worry, I didn't wa-" She responded.
"How could I not worry!?" I turned around and cut her off. I was angry and she was going to hear it. "How could I not worry!? I'm your son and you didn't think to tell me that your cancer was getting worse! How could you leave me in the dark like this!? Why would you try to hide it!? And more importantly why were you trying to get rid of it? The doctor wouldn't even consider giving you epazote if it wasn't that bad!"
"Zach, you know the risks of epazote. I'm already in and out of it!" She yelled back.
"What?" I asked, completely baffled that she yelled. She's usually not like this.
"Zach, don't pretend like you don't know," She sighed. "I know you pretend to not notice it in front of me. But I'm your mother, and I can see right through your act. I know that I haven't been acting the same, I'm slowly losing my mind and I'm not the same person as before. If I take the epazote there's a chance that I'll get addicted and then I won't come back this time."
"But there's still a chance that it could save you!"
"It's too much of a risk, and there's no point in saving me. I'm a lost cause."
"No don't say that. There has to be another way! Why are you giving up? I'm not letting you give up!"
"Zach..." She said in a gentle voice.
She gently put her hand on my face and forced me to look at her. I know what was coming but I refused to believe it, I refused to give up. This was my mother, the woman that raised me, the woman that stood by me my whole life. Even after everything, we went through she still never gave up. She always managed to find another way to fight. So why is she giving up now when I need her to fight the most. Was she tired of fighting? Was that why she was giving up?
"Zach," She said again.
This time I looked at her and I couldn't stand the sight in front of me. Her eyes kept getting more tired and they were filled with tears, her pale skin was becoming ashy, and her hair was slowly turning grey and she was losing more of it. I hated seeing her like this. I don't understand how can someone so strong become so weak in such a short amount of time. She looked at me directly in the eye as she said.
"I'm dying..."
That was it for me.
"No," I said, starting to panic. "No, no you're not."
"Zach, it's true." She said in her still calm voice. "There's nothing that can be done."
"No there has to be something, there's got to be something we can do. You were just diagnosed a year ago!"
"It's already too late, the damage is done. You can't reverse it. I've accepted it and I know it's going to be hard, but you can too."
"No, no I can't, I won't!"
"Yes, you can."
"No, I can't! I already lost dad, I am not losing you too?"
She fell silent. She looked to the floor and clenched her fists. She started to shake and tremble and then she fell to the floor. I caught her before she hit her head and I sat her down on the chair and gave her some water. She eventually came to but she scared me when her voice cut through the silence like a knife. Her tone was so cold and sharp, she did not hesitate when she said.
"I've told you before," She said with her eyes alive again. "I've told you not to mention him in front of me."
"What? Why?"
"Just don't mention him." She said in a harsh voice.
This is when I knew she was dead serious. We remained in silence for a short while before I finally stood up and went to go put the box back in the cabinet and put the box away. I closed the cabinet door and started to work on dinner while my mother sat in the chair and remained quiet and faced the direction opposite of me. She's ashamed. I knew she was, my mother doesn't look at me when she's ashamed. We spent next couple of minutes in silence, she continued to stare at the wall behind her while I was in the process of making dinner. Once I finished making dinner, I served it to both her and me at we ate in silence. The tension was unbearable, I was purposefully eating fast so that I could get up and go.
"I'm sorry." She said.
I looked up from my food, puzzled.
"What?" I asked.
"I should've told you about my cancer, I'm sorry, you know I haven't been myself lately. I know that's not an excuse, I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I just want you to know the reason of why I've been acting up. I shouldn't have kept this from you and I shouldn't have snapped at you earlier." She said as she reached across the table to hold my hand. "I'm sorry."
I let her hand sit in hand for a while, not reacting to her effort on trying to hold it. I looked down and then back up at my mother, again with the grey eyes which are red from crying earlier. I sighed before I finally squeezed her hand.
"It's not fine, and it doesn't make it ok what you did. But thank you for apologizing. Just tell me next time please?"
"I promise." She said barely mustering a smile.
Things didn't magically feel  better but the tension that was there was removed, but now I know that I can't trust anything my mother says. I appreciate her apology but I don't forgive her. I can't. She lied to me about a life or death situation and she didn't think to tell me about it. What was going to happen when I find her dead out nowhere? She didn't even think about how this was going to effect me. I love my mother, but my trust in her is gone.
I put up a fake semi-smile. "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you," I said, still trying to put up the smile. "Remember when I said that my professor has recommended me to the university?"
"Yeah, I remember him talking to me one time about your potential."
"I got it, mom." I said now with a real smile. "I got the job."
"What?" She said with her eyes wide. "Are you serious!?"
"Yeah, I got the apprentice position."
She gasped and hugged me while crying in excitement. The job was to work under the professor as an apprentice and learn how to work as an professor, learning the ropes, working with scientists and doctors. It would pay a lot of money, which could pay for different types of treatments for my mother and the research into finding a cure.  Maybe things will work out. But I still couldn't help but feel like this was all temporary. I was happy that I got the job, and my mother was actually excited about it. But I couldn't help but feel that there's something not real here. I pulled away from the hug and put my jacket on. 
"Wait where are you going?" She asked.
"I have something I need to take care of at the university."  said as I was putting on my shoes and scarf.
"Wait you're starting already?"
"No, Mr.Phillips wanted to see me to get me settled before I start on Monday."
"Oh, okay," She said, almost sounding relieved. "Be safe, don't forget about the storm."
"I will," I said as I turned around to walk out the door, questioning her tone of voice.
I open the door, and a strong wind blasted in my face and the table cloth off the table.
"Don't worry, I got it" She said.
I turn around and am about to head out the door where yet another blast of wind to the face was awaiting for me followed by the loud noise of whirling wind.
"I love you," Said my mother.
Do you actually? Would you lie to me if you truly did?  Was what I wanted to say,and I didn't feel like saying it back, instead I closed the door behind me and pretended that I didn't hear her. I left the house and fought my way through the wind and onto the trail that would lead me into the middle of town where I could make my way to the university.
I should've told my mom I loved her right then and there.