Free again

?

!!! TRIGGER WARNING !!!

May include mention of suicide.

I lay conscious on the bed that I have always laid in as a kid. I check my phone, convincing myself that I'm only looking at the time when I'm only checking if someone messaged me. I see a notification, and my hopes go sprinting high that someone texted me; but it isn't. It's a group notification from the family on my father's side. I still check the time, it is 3:28 AM. My brother is on the other bed next to me, playing on his phone or watching Netflix or whatever the hell he does every night. In the end, I open to see the message sent to my family to see that a group of friends of mine are talking but the group was muted so there were no notifications. I wanted to join in on the conversation when I see a name I wish I did not see. A name that as much as I want to forget, will always have this continuous and vigorous grip on my heart. Aches me as I see the name and makes me tremble at the sight of it. I instantly close my phone and go outside to my living room, taking my phone with me. I sit on the couch next to the window, I put my phone where the middle of my quiet chest is located. I breathe slower and slower letting the pain go through. Tears are stuck inside and they won't come out. I did not know why I was hurting. I always felt alone, but never lonely at the same time. No matter how many people I contact and talk to daily, I still felt the same alone-ness I always felt, if that's a word. Haha. I still feel loved by two of my closest friends, and I appreciate their company, but do they realize that I'm unstable? Will they realize that soon and I will end up alone? Everyone that loves me will probably hate me for this, but.. I always felt like this before everyone came. I'm still traumatized by too many things that I chose to ignore, but sadly they have come to life today to haunt me. I have already spoken with many friends and colleagues, in which they don't understand. And that is okay, they tried. I tell myself as I feel my own heart crawling inside my throat that everything's okay and gonna be okay, when I see the name that was much of a burden to me on my phone, sending a message to the group, tagging me since it was muted. I opened it and it was just a good night message. Was it the hurt that I chose to ignore? Was it my ignorance? Was it my false sense of security? Were it my insecurities? Was it the abuse? I don't know, and I will never know. I never understood my feelings. They jump up and down with nothing to convince them otherwise. I go back to my room one last time, and I go upstairs to get a view of the stars on my roof. I message two of my closest friends a good bye message as I leave my cleaned up of data phone on the roof's floor. I sit on the ledge and close my eyes, tears finally slowly running on my face. It was a simple push that I had to do, and it was all over. A 20 story drop would control my feelings for good. I can feel the vibration of my phone, assuming it was one of my closest friends calling me, which I chose to ignore. I finally push. I did it! I can feel the air passing through my hair and body as if it was a reverse vacuum. Everything starts to move slower by the second, as I close my eyes and see every single memory, every single face, every single person, every single choice, and everything that happened in my life in a montage I will never forget. A smile brushes on my face as I feel myself getting closer and closer to my feelings. And with that, everything went dark until a light came and took me up, to something close to peace, that I always wanted. No more hurt. No more pain. I'm free again.